Page 8 of All My Firsts

I stopped.

Tilting my head up from my crouched position on the ground, I looked into the deep blue eyes of Xander as the first tear escaped my eye.

“Lanie, it’s OK. Standup, please.”

I used the back of my hand to wipe it away, hoping he hadn’t noticed. I didn’t need him to know I was already crying.

“No, I want to get all of this back on the tray for you.” I went back to the scattered items on the floor, gathering them back to the tray. “I’m sorry I did this. It was careless of me to not see you coming. I’m so sorry. Thank God all the food is wrapped up. It’s all still good, so ...”

“Lanie,” he interrupted calmly, “please stand up.” I had to look at him to understand why he was being nice at a time like this. “You’re shaking, and I need you to calm down. Come into my room until you do.”

He saw the panicked look come over my face.

“It’s a safe space, I promise. I’ll leave my door open, but it’ll be out of view of anyone else and you can have some privacy.”

My head snapped up to look around, and I only then realized there were other people in the hall. They weren’t necessarily paying attention to us, but if I made more of a scene, they were bound to.

I looked up at Xander, and his eyes were warm and full of what looked like empathy. As I stood, I tried to pick up as many of the thingsas I could.

But as I did, I wound up dropping mostof it again.

And I was close to my breaking point.

I involuntarily let out a small whimper before more tears started escaping down my cheeks.

Xander reached down and grabbed me by the arms with firm hands and pulled me to standing, bringing me close to him, closer than I had been to any man other than Max in years. It was so sudden I didn’t have time to pull away.

I was shaking, but I didn’t think it was from fear.

And I had a realization. Strangely, rather than being consumed by fear and anxiety, a tranquil feeling overcame me. It was like a veil of comfort just from his touch. I looked at him with confusion, my eyes wide, wondering how this could be happening.

This should not be happening.

People don’t make me feel comfortable; they make me nervousand scared.

But he was different, and I’d known that for a while. I still didn’t know why, and I wantedto find out.

“Come on, Lanie, let’s get you in my room for a minute.” He was guiding me and I was letting him, like I was his puppet, completely underhis control.

And I felt safe, like he said.

He sat me in his desk chair while he went back out to the hall to get the rest of the mess I made. He placed his food tray and books on his desk and turned to look at me – study me, actually – but didn’t say anything. Yet it wasn’t uncomfortable.

How was this any different from what I felt the need to escape in my room? But I was calming down in Xander’s room, actually enjoyingbeing here.

Again, it didn’t make any sense.

“Thank you.” It was all I could get out. I was confused as to what I was feeling. Yet, at the same time, I couldn’t take my eyesoff of his.

I felt compelled to keep looking, and he wasn’t looking away.

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t say you’re sorry again, and you’re welcome.”

He chuckled as he said this, pulling up another chair. He sat across from me, at eye level, but not so close we were touching. For the first time in forever, I wanted to scoot forward. I wanted our knees to touch, to see if that calming feeling would exist with as simple a touch as that.

Or would there be something else as well?

I think I wanted that, too.

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