Page 87 of All My Firsts

I stood there too long. She looked up from her screen and pulledout one bud.

“What’s up, Lanie? What’s wrong?”

I must have looked odd, standing there by the door, hand on the knob, staring at her.

“Nothing. I’ll see you tonight, Becca. Love you.” I didn’t wait to hear her response. I tore open the door and escaped out the side stairs so I wouldn’t have to go past Xander’s room. I’d already taken too much time getting downstairs, and I needed to send anothertext to Max.

Me:

I’m coming now

I had no idea where to go once outside. When I reached the bottom, I opened the door slowly and peeked around its protective barrier. Expecting to see multiple of his and his employees’ cars taking up the parking lot waiting for me, I was shocked to see nothing out of the ordinary.

But it was dark, so dark.

And eerily quiet.

I hadn’t stepped outside yet, and I was waiting to see what was out there when I heard footsteps coming down the stairs from up above. This door and these stairs were rarely used, so it unnerved me to hear someone else here with me.

But I felt him before I heard him, the hum in my bones, the shot of electricity that went straight to my heart. And my heart swelled at the thought of him coming to get me, to stop me from leaving.

“Lanie!” a loud whisper came from above, Xander running down the stairs two and three at a time to get to me. “You can’t go out there. Please don’t go out there!” He was jumping down the stairs, trying to get to me as fastas he could.

I stood, frozen with my hand on the knob, the door slightly ajar as he rounded the last step. He wouldn’t come any closer, though, keeping his distance as his pleas continued.

“Lanie, please, go back upstairs. Do not go out there. Whatever he’s told you, don’t listen.”

My breaths faltered when he said that, my body tensing up at the sheer notion he was aware of what was happening.

“What are you saying, Xander? I don’t understand. How could you possibly ...”

When I finally looked at him, I saw the torment in his eyes, in his stance. His hands were in balled fists, the anger rolling off of him in waves. His breaths deep and loud, measured but sporadic, as if he were preparing himselffor a fight.

I was torn. It would be easy to go to him, seeking that refuge I always hadin his arms.

Just let go of the knob and run to Xander!my mind yelled at me.

“Xander, are we ...”

His face answered me before I even finished my question. His hardened eyes staring at me while he gave a tiny shakeof his head.

There was no change between us. We were over.

My eyes found the floor, unable to continue looking at him, seeing what I wanted but was no longer mine to have. I tried so hard to keep the tears at bay. I wanted to appear strong, unaffected by his decision about us.

Instead, while I tried to keep the tears stifled, bottled up in my throat as they burned and threatened to come out, they exploded in a sob, echoing in the hollow of the stairwell. I refused to look at him. Refused to see if my devastation affected him or not. Instead, I turned my attention back to the door, the knob in my hand. Knowing what was waiting for me on the other side of that door made it near impossible for me to finish pushing it all the way open.

But my pain and heartache didn’t warrant what that monster could have in store for Xanderif I didn’t.

Without warning, I pushed the door open and ran outside atfull speed.

At the same time, I felt the text hitting my phone and was confident it was Max demanding my presence. The moment I looked up while running, I saw him and Karl exiting a car up ahead.

The months that had passed since being in Max’s presence had allowed my mind to heal, to forget the torturous pain he had put me through for years; the healing process was crazy like that. Yet, at first sight of him, it all came crashing back. The nausea rolled up from my stomach as I moved my feet forward. Fear of the first thing he would do to me once I was in his grip took hold, and I almost stopped and turned around. Somehow, I kept moving, my determination coming from somewheredeep inside.

But as I got closer, I made out his features, his expression. It made me falter for a split second, seeing the sick, smug smile on his face under the glow of thestreetlight.

It was the face of someone who felthe had won.

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