Page 76 of All My Firsts

So dark and ugly.

Becca came over and sat next to me, wrapping her arm around me for support. Ty and Logan both had looks of concern on their faces, eyes bouncing back and forth between meand Xander.

Xander cleared his throat in preparation to talk. I knew he was going to do this – it was the plan all along for him to take over if I couldn’t go through with it – but I just didn’t know if I wastruly ready.

He first looked at me, and my slight nod gave him the permission he waslooking for.

He started by taking a very defensive stance, his arms across his chest, his legs spread. It seemed having to tell this story put him in a very protective mode.

“OK, guys, listen. This guy at home, Max, well, she was actually set up with him by her parents. It’s a fucked-up situation, right? He repeatedly abused her. He beat her, molested her.”

Xander had to pause.

He ran his hands through his hair, making himlook crazed.

“He raped her. All under the watch of her parents. She had no one to turn to, no one to trust – no one, that is, until us. She has nowhere to live anymore but her dorm room, but I’ll be working on that. I’m not entirely sure of the plan yet, but I’ll figure something out. He knows about me, and he knew she was with me over break, so he has connections. So if you care about her at all, you’ll help her in any way you can. And you’ll help me carry out whatever plan I come up with to help her against this guy. And yes, she and I are together, Logan. Not you and her – her and I. Very together.”

I was stunned into silence by Xander’s speech, as was the rest of the group. I wouldn’t have been able to say it any better than he did. He walked over, grabbed a hold of me, pulled me against his chest, and kissed me gently on the lips. The group was still grappling with what they just learned as I silently thanked Xander with my eyes for doing whatI couldn’t.

“I know, babe,” he whispered in my ear.

I looked around the room briefly but couldn’t hold eye contact with anyone. I knew they were going to think differently of me now.

I was afraid they’d all change the way they saw me now, as a broken person, someone who needed to be taken care of and coddled. That had always been part of why I never wanted to share.

Becca had tears in her eyes. I looked at her and shook my head, begging her with my eyes to please notmake me cry.

“Hey, Lane, I’m going to shed a tear or two for my friend who has been to hell and back. But you’re so strong, girl. Come here.” She wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug and held on, her tears flowing. This was a lot of information for them to process at once, I understood that. “It all makes sense now, Lanie, everything. I’m sorry. So sorry for pushing you.”

“Please don’t be,” I pleaded in her ear, my tears barely holding back. “If not for you pushing me, I don’t think I’d be where I am right now. I need to thank you.” I pulled away and kissed her on the cheek. Ty grabbed me by the hands next. He pulled me into a hug. He didn’t seem to be able to say anything as a small sob escaped from his chest and he clung to me. He pulled away, then looked at Xander.

“Dude, I’ll do anything you need. Anytime, anywhere – against that asshole, just say the word.” They fist-bumped, andthat was it.

I then looked at Logan, who was fiddling with a loose thread on his comforter while sitting on his bed. We all sat in an awkward silence for a few moments while we waited to see his reaction to the news he seemed to still be processing. I looked at Xander, hoping he wasn’t getting angry while we waited for Logan’s response, but he seemed relaxed.

Finally, Logan stood up and walked toward me. He was so tall I needed to crane my neck to look in his eyes. They were full of remorse and what appeared to be anger, though his movements were slow and deliberate. His one hand gently came up to my face and cradled my cheek, and I froze, hoping this would end well. One lone tear escaped each of his eyes, cascading down his cheeks. He opened his mouth to speak but clamped itback closed.

He looked to the ceiling, as if trying to summon the right words to say.

When he opened his mouth to speak again, all that came out was, “I’m sorry, Lanie, for everything.” He leaned in and kissed me on the forehead. He walked over to Xander, shook his hand, and walked silently out of the room. Once in the hall, we all heard a loud thud, which I think was him punching the wall. Then we heard the ping of the elevator.

Ty moved toward the door.

“I’m going to catch up with him, make sure he’s OK.” He left the room, giving Becca an apologetic look. She tried to return the focus to what Xander had said to the group.

“Xander, you have to know we would do anything to help Lanie against that douchebag.” She turned her attention toward me. “Honey, I’m so sorry you’ve had to live the last few years dealing with the likes of that guy. You won’t ever have to deal with any of this aloneever again.”

Xander came to me, sensing I needed him. He had an uncanny ability to know exactly what was bothering me. Either that or I was more of an open book than I knew. But I could tell he was a bit upset himself.

“Lanie, you know my priority is you and only you. Logan is going to have to figure his own shit out. I’m sorry if he still has feelings for you, but I don’t have time for his pansy-ass outbursts because he doesn’t get what he wants. I did my best to let him dohis thing.”

I understood Xander being upset. But was it fair? This was such an unusual situation. Anyone in it would act like Logan was; at least, that was what Itold myself.

“Xander, you handled that with dignity, and thank you for that.But I think his response goes beyond how he feels for me. I think he’s struggling with our whole semester together and a lot of moments that finally made sense to him. Everyone handles things in their own way, and he has to find hisright now.”

He calmed a bit and accepted that from me, acting more like himself.

Becca was still sitting quietly. I moved to stand by her. “I know you probably want to go find Ty and Logan, and it’s OK if you do. Iunderstand.”

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