Page 69 of All My Firsts

He bolted to the kitchen, leaving me by the front door, and was at the phone in a matter of seconds, clearly thinking it must be an emergency. Then I thought maybe it could have something to do with his dad and the jail. I didn’t want to eavesdrop, but I wanted to make sure he was OK with the call. Tiptoeing down the hall, I tried being as quiet as I could. When I peeked around the corner, I saw him sitting at the island, phone in hand. A mask of rage was covering his face.

His words were mumbled, and he was obviously trying to keep the content of the call private. All I could make out were “How did you get this number?” and “Who the fuck do you think you are?” My mind stayed on the idea of his father, immediately thinking it was someone harassing him about their past. I started toward him to comfort him, andhe heard me.

Xander’s head jolted up in panic at the sight of me in the room. The rage that had been covering his face melted into sympathy, then morphedinto hatred.

And that’swhen I knew.

He found us.

Max found me, Xander, andhis family.

“I don’t give a fuck what you say, dickhead. You can threaten us all you want, whatever. You will not get close to her again. Do. You. Hear. Me? Never again.”

As he slammed the phone on the table, I jumped, startled, but completely understanding of it. I, myself, was unwilling to believe the truth of what was playing out right before my eyes.

How did Max do it? How did he find me? First, he had Karl following me, and then this. These weren’t normal tasks that an everyday person was capable of doing. I always felt there was more to the Marcello family than what met the eye, but this was proof. I was dealing with the devil.

I looked over at Xander, his head in his hands. The anger rolled off him in waves. This was all my fault; everything happening was because of me. The guilt filled every cellin my body.

I was frozen in place, not knowing what to do or what to say. I stood feet away from him, wanting to reach out but not finding the strength to do it. Looking around the room, I realized that everything looked the same yet felt as though everything had changed. In a matter of minutes, it felt as if our world, this perfect little world we had created for ourselves while here, was crumbling around us.

And then a thought struck me. What if he wasmadat me? What if he blamed me for Max finding us, finding his family? I’d understand. Anyone would. And then I knew what I needed to do. I spun on my heel, about to make my retreat, when Xander looked up. The look on his face did nothing to help me understand what could be going on inside his head. The rage in his eyes was contradicted by the tears spilling ontohis cheeks.

“Lanie ...” He started to stand up from the chair, but I put my hands up to stop him. I didn’t want him coming close to me, potentially changing my decision. He looked hurt, dejected as he stopped where he was standing.

“Xander, I’m, uh, I’m going to head back to school alone. I think Max is more dangerous than we ever realized, so you should stay here to keep an eye on your mom. I don’t want any of you in danger because of me.” He once again started toward me, looking distraught, the anger completely gone. “No, please don’t.” I shook my head as my voice cracked, my newfound strength threatening to dwindle. “I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to any of you. I’m sick about this, and I can’t take this anymore. He’s ruining every part of my life and yours. Every good thing in my life will be gone because of him.” I was pacing. I was shaking. The fear of losing Xander, losing everything, was crippling me. Whatever control I thought I had over this situation or my emotions was gone. I was furious – furious that I had to once again change my life because of Max.

But Xander simply stood there, stoic, still.

And that enraged me even more.

I didn’t want him to be OK with this. I wanted him to blame me, to be so mad at me for bringing this into his world that he would walk away. Because that would be better. Anything would be better than him being dragged down by Max with me. I wanted him to tell me to get out, that he didn’t want to ever see me again because of the shit I had brought upon his family. Because I didn’t deserve him and he didn’t deserve what I had doneto his life.

I ran up the stairs, knowing that if I didn’t get myself out of there as quickly as possible, I would lose my courage. Through my tears, it was near impossible to find my bag. I wasn’t even sure if they were my clothes I was tossing inside.

I heard the stomping of his boots on the stairs, surprised he hadn’t followed meimmediately.

“Jesus Christ, Lanie, what are you doing?” he asked as he entered the room. He attempted to pull the clothes from my hands, but I resisted, yanking them back and shoving them inside. I was aimlessly searching for my things around the room, back and forth to the bathroom. All the while, he was leaning against his dresser, arms and ankles crossed.

His calmness put me more on edge.

My bag was overflowing as I tried to close the zipper. I gave up and threw the strap over my shoulder, ready to make my exit.

“Are you done? Are you ready to stop and talk to me, or at least listen?” Xander’s tone wasn’t as calm as his body language let on, his frustration coming through. I turned to look at him, and he assumed this was me giving him permission to go on.

“Lanie, I’ve known pretty much from the start this is what we were going to be dealing with, but you’re worth it. Why don’t you understand that? I’m not going anywhere. We’ll always have issues to deal with in a relationship, babe. We can’t walk away every time things get a little tough.” He stood there staring at me, almost looking defeated. “You haven’t had people stick around to help you; you’re not used to it. But that’s not how it works around here, not how it’s going to work with us.”

He pushed away from the chest of drawers and approached me, footsteps slow, eyes on mine. He reached out, removing the bag from my shoulder, letting it hit the ground with a thud. I didn’t put up a fight. He grabbed my hands, entwining our fingers, and pulled me closer.

“Let me be here for you, birdie. I’m not perfect. I get mad, but I’m working on it. I’ll always be the best version of me that I can be for you.” His words struck a chord. I needed to stop pushing him away. He tilted his head while waiting onmy response.

I nodded, finally understanding I would have support. This time, I wouldn’t be alone.

I would never bealone again.

The tears were escaping quicker than I could wipe them away, my cheeks damp. “But Xander, your mom, your brother, it’skilling me.”

“I know, baby, but they love you, too.”

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