Page 61 of All My Firsts

What was he doing? Were his eyes closed? Was he looking at me? I had no idea if I should say anything or be the first to move. Was I supposed to thank him for whathe just did?

And then the panic set in. And then the panic about the panic. Because he was going to think I was panicking for all the wrong reasons. Because I wasn’t.

He did it.

He got me to enjoy a sexualexperience.

But I’m such an idiot because I was still panicking.

“Lanie,” he said against my shoulder. “I can feel the wheels turning in your head. What’s going on, babe?”

I didn’t quite know how to answer his question. Rather, I didn’t want to be having this conversation right then. I wished I was more normal. I wished I knew how to have a sexual encounter and how to act afterward, like other college-aged girls did.

“That was amazing.” I pushed against his chest slightly, sitting up but still avoiding eye contact. “But I have no idea how to do this. I don’t know what to do or say after something like that.” My eyes bounced around the room, searching for something, anything, to focus on. I couldn’t look at him. Suddenly, his warm hands found my cheeks and stilled my head, forcing our gazes to connect. My embarrassment skyrocketed as my eyes shifted tothe ceiling.

“Hey, look at me.” He paused, waiting patiently for me to find the courage. Once I did, he continued. “There are no expectations, no right or wrong here. We just do us. We do what feels right for us.” His dimpled smile calmed me. “You don’t understand how happy I am that I made you feel good, that I could do this for you.”

I had to look away again. “That’s what I can’t do, Xander.” I buried my face in his shoulder, eyes squeezed tight. “I can’t talk about it. It makes mefeel ...”

He rubbed the back of my head as his arm wrapped around my waist. “Hey, it’s OK. Then we won’t talk about it.” I felt his arm stretching behind us, then felt my shirt being pulled over my head. I raised my arms as he carefully put the shirt into place. He readjusted us on the couch so we were now lying chest to chest.

There were no more wordsthat night.

But more was said in the way he held and caressed me than any wordscould have.

Chapter 16

There was sweat on my forehead when I woke up. My heavy lids were slow to open. It took a moment to realize there were multiple limbs intertwined with my own, which explained the extra body heat. Once my eyes focused, I saw his toned torso up against mine. It made me think of the activities from the night before. I had to chuckle, knowing they were what mademe so tired.

I didn’t want to leave Xander’s side after our night, so we slept in his bed. There was no discussion about it as we walked up the stairs. We went straight to his room, both knowing we needed to stay together.

Consent and control. That was what he knew I needed for last night to work, and he allowed for both. You wouldn’t think either of those things would be sexual turn-ons, but damn, it worked for me. I mean, he did plenty of other things that got the deed done. But if not for those two things, I would not have been able to open up tohim at all.

Xander returned the most important first I’d had taken away from me.

And, actually, last night was arealfirst. I’d never climaxed from someone elsebefore him.

I shifted and realized I was awake before he was, loving that I could steal some moments to stare and admire. I noticed how the straight line of his jaw, while relaxed in sleep, hid his deep dimple. And his full lips were slightly apart as his even breaths warmed me. We were so close. But then I felt a small shift in his body, his hips turning toward me.

“Good morning, beautiful.” He hadn’t even opened his eyes yet.

“Good morning, handsome.” I leaned over and kissed his nose. One of his eyelids slowly lifted, a bright blue eye showing through an open slit.

“How is it that you’re more beautiful when you first wake up? You amaze me.” This man, he had my heart fluttering and butterflies in my stomach already.

“How is it that no one has stolen your heart before me? How am I the lucky one?” I shotback at him.

I turned over onto my back as he pushed up on his elbow and laid half his body on mine, looking down at me. That gave me a close-up look at the tat on his arm, making me wantto see more.

“I knew I was waiting for you.”

Yes, I was definitely falling in love with this man.

“And I could get used to waking up like this every day. I think we take my mom up on her offer, and when we get back to school, you’re sleeping in my room every night. I’m not letting you go ever again.” He relaxed his body on mine and held me, nuzzling his face in my hair. “What do you wanna do today?”

“For starters, I want to look at your tattoos. I’ve wanted to see them up close since you ran up on me at the pond months ago.” Pulling the blanket down, I sat up a bit. I rubbed my hand along the muscles of his arm. Reaching down, I skimmed my fingertips along the hem of his shirt, teasingunderneath.

The feel of his taut skin and ripples of muscles made my stomach flutter like it was full ofbutterflies.

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