Page 47 of All My Firsts

I looked at their body language and tried to decipher for myself the duration of some of the relationships between the couples that walked on by. And now I could be considered part of one of these couples. What did people see from the outside when Xander and I were together? I knew we were not officially a “couple,” but more and more it was feeling that way.

“Hi, Lanie.”

The bench shook when his large body plopped down next to mine. Looking over, I became abit nervous.

“Hi, Logan.” We sat there for a few minutes, staring ahead, neither looking at the other. The silence became a bit uncomfortable, but not enough for him to start talking. I felt it wasn’t my place to start this conversation, so I let him take the lead.

“I, um, have a lot I need to say to you. I hope it all comes out right.” He was wringing his hands together, obviously very nervous. “I am sorry, first and foremost. That’s what needs to be said. I am sorry. I never should have touched you the way I did that night. You don’t deserve that, and I’ll forever be mad at myself for doing that to you.”

He was trying to keep eye contact with me, looking up every few words, but it seemed unless he kept his eyes focused on the ground between his feet, he would lose his trainof thought.

“I got too drunk that night – many nights, actually. It’s not an excuse, but it’s a reason for my behavior. I wasn’t in control of my actions that night because I had too much to drink. And I’ve been doing that too much lately, I think to try to forget afew things.”

There were unshed tears in his eyes when he looked over again. The faintest hint of a blue bruise remained beneath his left eye, which meant he had a constant reminder every time he lookedin a mirror.

I felt he could use a hug, but that wouldn’t be a possibility from me for quite some time. Besides, I could tell he wanted to finish with what hehad to say.

“I was hoping there would maybe be more than a friendship between us, Lanie, but I know now that isn’t in the cards for us. I’m not gonna lie, it hurts, and I still care about you. But I can be satisfied with you being happy. So, if us being friends can make you happy, then that’s what I’d like. If we can work back toward that, I want us to be friends.” He rubbed his hands along his thighs, the anxiety of the moment reaching a threshold too great for him to withstandmuch longer.

“Logan, I’m thankful for your apology. I’m more thankful for the sincerity of it. I’m sure we can work toward being friends again, and I’d like that, a lot.”

I reached out and put my hand on his leg, knowing I couldn’t do much more than that. He put his hand over mine and squeezed it, looking at me as a tear spilled over and slid down his cheek, and he quickly wiped it away with his arm. But he smiled, and I smiled back. This would have to be slow, he knew that, but we were taking thefirst step.

“Everything good here?” I startled at Xander’s appearance over my shoulder, but Logan seemed to expect himto be there.

“Yeah, Xander, everything’s good. I think according to Becca, the three of us are supposed to all head over to meet them for dinner now or something.” As he stood up, he looked unsure about following through on those plans at the moment. I stood and moved toward Xander.

“I think dinner together should work, don’t you, Lanie?” Xander grabbed my hand while talking, a point not missed by Logan, who was now staring at our entwined fingers. It made me feel good but uncomfortable at the same time.

These lines wereso blurred.

“Absolutely,” I said, a bit too chipper. “Tell them we’ll be there in a few, OK?” Logan took off for the cafeteria, hands in his pockets and shoulders slumped a bit, but I was sure he was glad that was over. “So, I guess you were aware this washappening?”

“He came to me about it, actually.” Xander’s expression was unreadable. “I wanted to punch him the second he showed up at my door, but I heard him out and he sounded sincere. So hopefully he can straighten himself out. You and I both know we all come with baggage, right?” He was handling this much better than Ianticipated.

“Yes, Xander, you’re right, and thanks for being understanding. I hope things can work out with Logan. But I do want you to be with me while I’m around him for a while.” I squeezed his hand, and he squeezed mine back.

“Lanie, I won’t let anything bad happen to you ever again.” His expression when he said that literally took my breath away. His eyes portrayed a promise I couldn’t believe. It sounded like a forever promise.

Not only were the lines blurred – we had raced past them.

Chapter 13

Xander and I were hiding out in his room, doing couples things without letting others see us. We cuddled together in his bed, watching a movie. We both knew we weren’t going to see each other for the long holiday weekend starting the next day.

“I’m going home with Becca for Thanksgiving, I forgot to tell you.” I murmured my words into his chest. He pushed us both to sitting and gave me an incredulous look. I was confused.

“What’s wrong?”I asked him.

“Nothing.” It didn’t seem like nothing, but he effectively changed the subject. “Have you heard anything from your dad about Max since he left?”

I didn’t want to answer his question because it would reveal another secret. So I did my best at deflecting as well.

“Xander, how often do you talk to your mom? Like, do you talk to her every day, or once a week?” But my deflection only led to more questions insteadof answers.

“Have you not talked to your dad? It’s been almost two weeks.” As soon as he said it, he saw the impact his words had on me. I tried to pull away from him in the bed, but he resisted. His hold on me was firm but gentle as he wrapped his arms around me and rolled us onto our sides. He lowered his voice an octave or two when he talked again. “Um, well, my mom and I talk a lot. Usually it’s every day if we can. I take it that’s not the case with you and your parents?”

All I did was shake my head a bit. I didn’t want to talk about this, but Xander wasn’t willing to let it go.

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