Page 28 of All My Firsts

Chapter 8

I don’t know how long we sat there, silent, him holding me. He continued to rub my back, maybe to let me know he was still there. I felt like it could also be to keep me awake, to encourageme to talk.

And I wanted to. I was trying to work up the nerve. But I felt if I started, it was all going to come bubbling out, and I needed to be sure I was ready for someone to knowall ofmy darkness.

I didn’t want Xander to see the real me, the one on the inside. The real me might scare him away. But the silence was hurting. I needed sounds, words, something. I somehow found my voice, though it was hoarse from all the crying. I pushed myself out of his arms and turned toward him, surprised atwhat I saw.

“Why doyoulook sad, Xander?”

He sat up a little straighter before answering me, seeming to be looking for theright words.

“I’m sad for what that piece of shit put you through tonight, claiming to be your friend. No friend would do that.” But he no longer looked sad. His hands rolled into fists at the mention of Logan. He took a minute to calm himself down before he could continue.

He looked at me, then bent his head over his knees, trying to gather his words as he stared at the floor.

“My shit happened a long time ago, Lanie, but I’m in a good place now. I don’t know, maybe you hearing about it could help you realize there’s hope.” He stood and paced a bit. “If I’m going to tell these stories tonight, though, I need another beer.” He chuckled as he said this. I was glad to hear the laugh, happy he returned from that angry place. “Are you thirsty for anything?”

“Do you haveany water?”

He nodded as he went to his fridge. He came back with our drinks and settled on thecouch again.

He pulled my legs up onto his lap, getting me comfortable, while I was lying on the couch facing him. He pulled my sneakers off and started rubbing my feet. This seemed intimate for two people who didn’t know eachother well.

He settled in and popped open his beer, taking a long draw on it. Looking over, he appeared ready to start his tale.

“Not too many people have been told this. As a matter of fact ...” He took pause, lost in his own thoughts for a moment. “I don’t think I’ve told it to anyone. The only people who know about it are the ones who lived it. So, yeah, you’re kindof special.”

I got the feeling he was saying this to make me feel more comfortable. Regardless, it worked, and I laid my head back and looked at this beautiful creature, amazed at how he was capable ofcalming me.

He was leaning back on the couch, which looked ridiculously small with his six-foot-three-inch frame hanging off it. His legs were basically on the floor they were so long, his head leaning on the back cushion, his eyes staring up at the ceiling. His one hand held his beer while the other lazily rubbed my foot. I could get a good look at his profile from this angle, and it was that of a model’s. The angles of his cheekbones and jawline would be sought after by many professional companies for sure. His dark hair, a tad long, just below his ears, gave him the allure I’m sure most of the girls were attracted to.

I guess myself included.

And that scared me for so many reasons.

Xander turned his head and looked at me. I don’t think he intended his look to elicit what it did, but the heat of his stare would have brought me to my knees if I were standing. And that was exactly why I was scared. I felt as though I couldn’t trust my own feelings.

I was just attacked. Andhysterical.

Yet a simple look from him was making my breathing hitch. It made no sense. Thankfully, he started talking again.

“Lanie, when I first saw you earlier this semester, I saw a darkness behind your eyes that I recognized. I knew you were living through something I was very familiar with. Then, when I would see you struggling with your emotions in crowds, and you trying to deal with handling your new friendships, I knew there was a connection. I’ve wanted to reach out to help you. I know how it can feel – near impossible to come up from the depths of that despair you’ve been feeling. I know because I was there, but I survived it. Not only did I survive, but I’m thriving. It’s not easy. I won’t lie and say it is, but it gets easier.”

He stopped at this point, seeming to need a moment to gather his thoughts. During his pause, I thought about what he said.

That was where I felt I was, at the bottom, with no one tohelp me up.

“There’s something else I won’t lie to you about, especially considering what I learned about Logan tonight and what he did to you. I’ll admit, I did think you were together. I thought the four of you were a neat little package.”

None of that surprised me. Considering the circumstances of the past week between him and Logan, I was surprised when Xander accepted his apology. Now this.

“Wanting to help you is only part of it. I’m attracted to you, like, big time.” A big smile spread when he said this, his dimple deep. “And I feel like we have a connection beyond our, I don’t know, past shit we’ve both gone through. But I also know with the demons you’re fighting, you’re in no position to be in a relationship, let alone start a new one.” He paused for a moment. “I didn’t need Logan to tell me about your ex. It was evident you had a past, but knowing it’s due to a crazy ex, well. Let’s just say it’s info that’s good to have. But I wanted to be honest with you about how I feel. I felt you deserved that.”

My heart was racing. I didn’t know how to respond. I wanted to do something, say something. He deserved it after that. And I thought I had feelings for him as well. I knew I was past denying that.

The silence was lasting too long,even for us.

“You don’t have to say anything.” His eyes focused on me while he spoke. “I can see the wheels spinning in your head. It’s OK. You’ve had a rough night. I wanted you to know, that’s ...”

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