Page 26 of All My Firsts

I couldn’t let someone else dothis to me.

I wouldn’t. I found new strength.

And I started fighting back.

I pushed as hard as I could with both hands, trying to gain leverage, but his hard chest wasn’t giving an inch. His large hands were roving over my body, trying to keep me still, to keep me from moving. Both his arms wrapped around me, holding me tight up against him, and my labored breaths seemed loud in my own head. I wanted to move my knees, my legs, but they were pinned by his, our limbs an entangled web.

I wasn’t getting anywhere, his large frame too strong for mysmall body.

I started feeling the hopelessness settle in.

Then I realized I was screaming and crying. The next phase for me was to shut down because I knew I wasn’t going to be able to fight him off.

“What the fuck are you doing, Logan? You sick motherfucker!”

I felt myself being lifted off Logan by strong arms while Logan’s body was being dragged away from me. There were so many bodies, arms, and fists flailing, it was hard to distinguish who was doing what. I knew it was all happening fast, but it felt like it was inslow motion.

I was pushed aside, I don’t know by whom, and wound up on the floor. I felt a new set of arms wrap around me and knew immediately it was Becca. She was saying soothing words in my ear, but I couldn’t discern what they were. Everything was a blur. I continued to see punches being thrown, then Logan being dragged outof the room.

“What happened, Lanie? Are you OK?” Becca was looking me straight in the face now, concernin her eyes.

I was getting kind of tired of people having to look at me with concern intheir eyes.

We were sitting on the small couch together, and I was trying to catch my breath. The tears were still coming, and I was trying to form into words what had happened when Xander walked over, his hand covered in blood.

“Lanie,” Xander’s voice boomed. It was full of concern but tinged with anger. “I need to know you’re OK after what I saw him doing to you.” His hands shook as he stood there, the fury rolling off him. “He was assaulting you, and fuck, you couldn’t get away. I saw it happening from across the room and got to you as soon as I could.” Becca’s eyes grew larger and larger the more she heard what Xander had to say. She couldn’t understand the words coming from his mouth.

“Logan was attacking you, Lanie? Oh my God, that can’t be. Are you sure? Why would he do that? Helikes you.”

I stiffened in her arms. She backed away, obviously feeling the change in me.

She didn’tbelieve us?

“Becca, why don’t you go with Ty and take care of Logan? He’s a mess anyway. I’m shutting down the party. I’ll take care of Lanie.”

She looked at me, then at Xander, and shook her head, not sure what to make of this situation. She stood up andwalked away.

I think that broke me more than I was expecting it to, new tears forming. Xander looked at me but stepped into the centerof the room.

“That’s it, guys. Party’s over, nothing to see, everyone out!” he yelled at the top of his lungs.

I startled at the anger in his voice. Everyone who was still in the room scampered about and was gone in a matter of seconds. I guessed they heard something in his voice as well.

I watched him as he locked the door after the last person was ushered out. He kept his hands on the back of the door, his back to me, for much longer than he should have. I felt as if I could see the anger emanating from his body as he stood there, calming himself, physically shaking it away.

Was he mad at me?

Did he think I brought this on myself?

He continued to grasp the knob, his knuckles turning white. Eventually, his hands were gripping his hair, his fingers nervously running through it. It appeared as if his hands were trembling. I continued to watch him from the couch, cowered inits corner.

As I waited, I saw the transformation in his body; the anger finally dissipated. I still didn’t know if he was mad at me or not. The anger that emanated from him a moment ago, well, it scared me.

And I was starting to feel like I wanted to leave the room.

But then he backed away from the door and slowly turned to face me. What I saw in his face, his eyes, surprised me.

No, it nearly broke me.

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