Page 1 of All My Firsts

Prologue

This damn conversation. To say I’d been dreading it would be an understatement. It had been hanging over my head for weeks, and I couldn’t avoid it anymore. I knew he’d fight me on my decision; most likely he would feign ignorance about the original arrangement. Begging wouldn’t work with him. Nothing worked with him. I would just have to do it.

I had just gotten back from the park, where I’d beensitting in my car, people watching. I did that a lot. Sometimes it was to find people I wanted to be like, people who appeared carefree and were living what seemed to be their best life. Other times, I yearned to see people like me, trapped, so I wouldn’t feel so alone and isolated. That day, I was doing it to take my mind off of what I needed to tellMax. While I made the call to him, I was watching a happy couple eating ice cream together. Oh, the irony.

Max wasn’t happy about having to leave work, but he promised to meet me at the house.

As I waited for him by the pool, I was hoping to avoid the eyes and ears of my mom, who was inside. It was our typical location to hang out anyway, far enough away from the main house, affording plenty of privacy. Max never wanted our time together to be under the scrutiny of either of my parents. Even though he had started working for my dad, it hadn’t helped their relationship any. Everything was a façade with all of us, and we were always walking on eggshells aroundone another.

The sweat was dripping down my back as I sat in the lounge chair, the early May sun scorching us already. I didn’t have a suit on because I never felt comfortable going in the pool when Max was around. Instead I saved my swims for late at night when I knew I’d be alone. Daydreaming in this pool, wishing my life could be different, was a favorite pastime of mine. The visions of me heading off to college, escaping the home that had become more of a prison, and starting over. And that was the plan I had conceived. Took me three years to do it, but the time had come.

I just needed to make sure Max didn’tfuck it up.

I heard the footfalls of his approach but chose not to turn my head to see him coming. With my nose still in my book, I pretended not to hear him until he announced himself. It was what Ialways did.

“Lanie,” he barked.

And even though I expected it, I still jumped. I closed my book to find him glaring down at me. His crossed arms were further proof he was annoyed with havingto do this.

“What is so fucking important I had to leave the office? Why couldn’t we talk about this over the phone or tonight?” The edge in his voice made me nervous, but if we stayed outside by the pool and didn’t go into the cover of the pool house, I should be OK.

“I talked to my father, Max. Didn’t he tell you it was OK to come over?” I whispered. The bravado I felt before he arrived was dwindling, but I needed to maintain some of it. I neededto do this.

“Yes, but that still doesn’t answer my fucking question. I’ve got shit to do, Lanie, and not just foryourdad, but my dad, too.” His eyes avoided mine whenever he spoke about anything related to “work” and the expectations his father put on him while he was employed by my father.

My father was a congressman in Texas, had been for the past fifteen years. He was well liked in our state and quite successful. However, a few years ago, the Marcello family contacted my father for some favors, one being to help Max with a political career. He’d been working in my father’s officeever since.

At the same time, Max and I conveniently started dating. I was only sixteen at the time. Max was already eighteen. His parents wanted him to work while taking online classes for college, preferring him to advance politically as quicklyas he could.

“Um, well, I’m sorry, but this couldn’t wait until tonight.” I straightened myself on the chair, hoping to remain strong. “We need to have the talk about me going to college. Max, it was part of the deal; everyone said yes, that I was going to whatever school I wanted to once I graduated high school. You can’t keep me from going.” I tried to make my voice as forceful as possible, but that was a first for me. I had never stood up to him before. Not once in the two years since we had been thrown together byour parents.

He put his hands in his pockets and looked off into the distance. If he wasn’t such an asshole, I might have enjoyed some of my time with him. He was handsome, and on occasion we had a happy moment. But his demons got in the way too often and made him ugly in ways that were indescribable.

Like atthat moment.

His silence was bone chilling and starting to scare me. I saw the dark clouds shadow his eyes, as if his soul was being taken over by some outside force. He took off his suit jacket, taking care to fold it and place it on the chair next to me. Then he walked two measured steps to bring himself up against my chair, his long leg lifting over so he could straddle the bottom half. I found myself scrambling to the top of the lounger to put as much distance between him and me as I could, fearing what his next move might be.

“I love the fear in your eyes when you have no idea what I’m going to do,” he snarled. His hand reached out, close to my feet, and grabbed the book I’d been reading. He flipped through the pages a bit, laughing while doing so. “These stupid books you read – why do you bother? If you go away to school, you won’t have time to read these, ya know.” As soon as he said that, he tossed it over his shoulder, directly into the pool.

His eyes never left mine as he did it, studying me formy reaction.

“Hmph,” he let out. He seemed to be a bit upset about my nonreaction, but I’d trained myself over the years, learning the hard way. “Are things so bad here you can’t wait to get away? I thought we came to an agreement and things have been better?” As he said this, his hand made its way to my foot, pulling my one leg toward him. He probably thought he was caressing me as his fingers dug into my calf, not letting go. The bruises would be there by the next day. He tilted his head at me, as if waiting for me to give him an answer.

“Well, um, things ... were better, I guess. But we still argue a lot.” My voice had gone weak, as quietas a mouse.

And then he slammed my leg against the chair.

“That’s because you don’t do what I need you to do! I always have to force myself on you, Lanie! What guy wants to force his girlfriend to have sex with him?” He shot up and pushed me so hard the entire chair slid back, scraping against the cement. It stopped when it hit the bush behind me. He started pacing. “Fuck! Do you really think I want to be forcing you to do those things?”

I wouldn’t voice my answer to that question. No answerwas needed.

Cowering against the back of the chair, I was hoping this would be over soon. I knew I should have just sent the “yes” to the college without having this conversation. What was he going to do, physically stop my parents from taking me?

He started raking his hands through his hair, the frenzy in full effect. I had to brace myself for what wascoming next.

And as if right on cue, he stalked toward me. The rage in his eyes made my stomach curl, and I knew what he probably wanted to do but couldn’t out here in the open. But he still came at me, his hand coming right for my face. My cheeks were in his grip, his mouth centimeters from mine as the verbal assault continued.

“I don’t want you going to school,” he spat between clenched teeth, “because I don’t want anyone looking at or touching what ismine. You are mine, Lanie. Do you understand me?” The spit coming from his mouth as he snarled his words was settling in the corners of his mouth, making me want to gag. The tears forming in his eyes were real, and his emotions were real, but for all the wrong reasons. “I will go crazy if you aren’t here. Don’t you get that?”

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