Page 75 of All My Firsts

“Lanie, oh my God, come over here. I missed you, goddammit!” Becca dropped her bags in the middle of the floor, swooped in, and picked me up in her arms. “We cannot go a full month without seeing each other ever again. That was awful. I needed you for many reasons, and texting did not make the cut. We’ll need to make other arrangements over the summer, you hear me?”

She was her typical whirlwind self, and I couldn’t be happier to be back in her presence. Amazing that I fought befriending this extraordinary person in the beginning. She’d become a lifeline for me.

“I missed you, too, Becca. So much. And I have a lot to tell you. Like, a lot, and not justabout Max.”

She stopped, frozen mid-step, and stared at me. The look in her eyes was full of curiosity and hope, and I knew she was wondering about Xander and me. All I did was give her a small nod, and it answered most of her questions.

“I knew it! No more friend zone! Finally, he sealed the deal. Like, did he really seal the deal though?” She then gave me the “other” look, with a raising of the eyebrows as she dug her elbow into my side. All I could do was blush.

“I knew it! That’s awesome, Lanie. I’m happy for you guys. Like, really happy.” At this point, my face was buried in her hair as she hugged me again, but I loved it. “I can’t wait to see you two as a couple. You’ll be so cute together. He’s hot – like, super hot. And you’re going to make so many girls on this campus jelly as hell! Do you realize that? Xander James is off the market!” She was bouncing around the room at this point, seemingly more excited about my relationshipthan I was.

“How are you and Ty doing? I know you weren’t too happy in your text. Did you see him after that at all?” I wanted to shift her attention from me to her. There was still so much to tell her, and unfortunately, she knew all the good already, but noneof the bad.

“Oh, you know, same old, same old. We saw each other some. But he isn’t the same guy at home that he is here, and I can’t figure out why yet. He really doesn’t want me to see him at his house much. He’d rather come to my house, which is fine, but it’s harder at my house with all of my brothers and sisters. We don’t have much room. His house is better – he only has his one brother, and he’s not there much, so I don’t understand what’s going on. I guess it’s that his parents don’t really like me?”

Her eyes conveyed her true emotions. She was more upset about this than she wasletting on.

“Well, I’m glad you’re back, too. I missed you a ton. Are the guys back also? Xander and I wanted to talk to all of you about the shit that’s going on with Max.”

Becca looked over and knew immediately something was off. “What did the asshole do this time? Christ, you have to get him out of your life for good. He’s ridiculous.” Her exasperation did little to make me feel like sharing what was really going on. But she was right about all of it.

“Well, I’m ready to tell you guys everything about him. Xander’s going to help me, but I only want to do it once, so I wanna wait ‘til Ty and Logan get here too, ifthat’s OK.”

She came up to my side, smile wide, full of encouragement. A far cry from the Becca of just a moment ago, as she’d realized the gravity of what I said. “Of course, Lane. I’ve waited this long, so I can wait a little longer. Are you sure you want to do this? I mean, I don’t want you to feel like you have to tell us something you don’t want to.”

I hated that the mood shifted so severely, of course always because of me.

“I want this to be over. We were happy a few minutes ago, and I want more of that. I need the darkness from my past to go away, and I think I need to admit it’s happening to let it go. Maybe I should do that with professionals, but for now my friends willhave to do.”

Xander had suggested that I seek a counselor. Considering it was what I had chosen as a career path, I agreed it was a good idea. Once the semester got underway, I was going to the mental health center on campus to set up an appointment for a consultation. It was a bigstep for me.

“OK, then. That’s what we’ll do. We will be here for you, we will hear you, we will listen, and we will help you heal.” She grabbed my hands and squeezed. She pulled away, then and reached for her phone. “Ty says they both should be here by five. It’s already almost five, so let’s go keep an eye out for them. Where’s Xander?”

“He was at the gym. I’ll go see if he’s back, and we can meet up with the guys when they get here.” I was getting nervous again. Telling Becca that me and Xander were now a couple was the easy part.

Xander gripped my hand as we walked toward Ty and Logan’s room. We could hear Becca’s screeching down the hall, so we knew the guys had arrived. I knocked on the open door as we walked in, and the three of them turned and looked immediately at our interlocked fingers.

Becca smiled warmly.

Ty responded with a look that suggested he had won a bet.

Logan’s eyes darted away, but then they returned to me. He seemed to be trying to stay neutral, trying hard for my sake to not show his true reaction. He smiled, but it was forced, not real.

“Hi guys, I missed you so much!” I ran up to each of them, giving them tight hugs. Logan clearly wasn’t sure how to respond with Xander watching. His hands were high up on my shoulders as I hugged him. The room got awkward after that, a few moments of silence following the hugs.

“OK, this is exactly what I don’t want,” I said. “I need us to be friends still. So, the real reason me and Xander are here is because I’ve decided it’s time to tell the three of you a lot more about my past. I have some demons, one in particular, that are continuing to create havoc in my life. You all escaped his wrath the weekend youwent home.”

At this, all eyes landed on Logan, and he became even more uncomfortable, which I was not intending.

“He’s not a nice guy, and unfortunately, he was my boyfriend back home. He, um, him and me, we were, um ...”

I froze.

I started wringing my hands together and sat down on one of their beds, feeling like my legs were goingto give out.

I lost the abilityto breathe.

Did I really want to do this? There was no going back once they knew. And what I had to tell them was ugly.

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