Page 74 of All My Firsts

He was still the same Xander. The same guy who taught me how to trust myself again in so many ways. I stared at him while he looked out his bedroom window, leaning against the windowsill. His bedroom still held hints of his childhood. Trophies, plaques, and awards for his years playing football lined the walls and shelves. Then I noticed a gaming system gathering dust under the TV cabinet, which took me by surprise. That was a side of him I never saw. A gamer?

I walked to it and examined the array of games stacked on the shelf, long abandoned. They were games from a while ago, nothing from recent years, so he must have played as a younger child. I felt him come up next me, also looking, but not touching them.

“Bryce and I used to hide out in our rooms and play a lot when things got bad downstairs.” He got quiet again, contemplative, thinking. “The loud sounds on the games helped.” All I found myself capable of doingwas nodding.

I really didn’t know the man I was in love with.

And I knew I should be angry about the secret he kept from me, but that would make me a hypocrite. I did the same thing numerous times. I knew better than most how hard it was to share a dark past. I didn’t blame him for not telling me. But the news was ... unsettling. His anger issues were a bit more than I had thought. Going to jail for beating someone up so bad they were hospitalized for a weekwas no joke.

But maybe the scarier part was that I understood that as well.

He had returned to looking out the window, the snow maybe giving him some peace. I came up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist, my head resting on his back. I felt him relax into me immediately, gripping my hands with his. He slowly spun himself around, sitting himself on the window’s edge, both at eye level now. He pulled me closer, in between his widened legs.

“Why do you still have those games here?” I questioned. Xander was quiet for a bit, his hands wandering along the backs of my legs whilehe thought.

“I think,” Xander started, then paused. “I think I keep them as a reminder. Kinda like a ‘where there’s a will, there’s a way’ reminder. For a while, Bryce and I had no idea what our lives would be like.”

His voice cracked as he said that, showing yet another side of him, a sensitive side he never allowed anyone else to see. At school, he was always the tough frat guy others were a bit intimidated by, mostly due to his size. He played it up, although it wasn’t all for show. Hewastough, toughened by everything he had been through as a kid. But he was also vulnerable from those sameexperiences.

And now he’d shown that side of himselfto me twice.

“I get that,” I replied, “but look at the two of you now.” He nodded but was still quiet. “Ya know, I don’t like that I had to tell you about being forced to be with Max. But I do feel better now that you know. I feel freer, like I can breathe,” I confessed as I smiled up at him.

I was graced with a dimpled smile. “Yeah, it feels better now that you know. It’s been hanging over me this whole time. But I wish it had been on my terms,” Xander said, anger still tinging his voice.

I was going to move on from this today. All of us had pasts, secrets we would rather not divulge. But ours were coming out because they had to, not because we wanted them to. I would try to see beyond the secrets, the anger. He deserved that.

“I get it, but Max has a way of screwing everything up, so welcome to my world.”

And there we were, full circle. Right back to the real problem at hand.

Chapter 20

We were heading back to school early. All the information had been given to the detectives and agents, and nothing more could be done. They interviewed me twice about the three years Max and I spent together in Texas, almost a total of fourteen hours of interrogation. It was exhausting, but I knew how necessary it was to take down the Marcellos.

I texted Becca, telling her we were heading back. She was full of questions I didn’t want to answer. Her texts wouldn’t stop coming in, incessantly begging for something. Finally caving, I told her that there was a big problem with Max. I explained it was better to deal with it at school rather than at Xander’s home so that it wouldn’t involve his mom. That seemed to satisfy her, maybe because of the issues she was having withTy herself.

“Do you have my number, Lanie?” Bryce asked as we packed up the Jeep. “You need to call me if there’s anything suspicious or if you two have any issues when you get back to school.” Bryce was being as supportive as Jane, even though I still felt unworthy of it.

“I do. Thanks, Bryce, for everything.” Reaching up, I gave him a hug. I’d given up on trying to not have them help – it was futile. “I’m lucky to have you and Jane helping us through this crazy shit I’ve caused. I hope you realize how grateful I truly am for both of you.”

“Lanie, I don’t think you realize how quickly you’ve become a part of this family. I see the way Xander looks at you. You’re it for him, and that means you’re family, kiddo. I’ll do anything to keep you safe. Hey, I need to keep my brother happy.” He moved his mouth close to my ear before saying, “Don’t tell him, but, yeah, he can kick my ass.”

Bryce still had his arm around my shoulder, mouth by my ear, when ... our special “brother/sister” bonding moment gotinterrupted.

“What the hell am I interrupting? Dude, you seriously look like you’re about to fucking kiss her!”

“Well, bro, make sure you’re keeping her satisfied and I won’t have to step in.” Bryce cackled. He knew he needed to take off running after that comment. And he did, heading inside his apartment. Xander was barely one step behind him the whole way, cursing underhis breath.

I heard Xander catch him, and it sounded like a few brotherly punches were thrown. From the laughter combined with their shouts, it sounded like it was more of a goodbye for them than anything else. They eventually came out, arm in arm, a small tear in Bryce’s shirt the only sign of their scuffle. The smiles on their faces were contradictory to the noises that came from inside, but I was getting used to what being around brothers was all about.

“Remember, Lanie. I’m your backup when this douche doesn’t treat you right.” Xander’s arm around Bryce’s neck squeezed harder as they laughed.

“Well, I guess you’re SOL then, because I’ll never not treat her right, dude, so be on the lookout for your own perfect woman.” They hugged it out, and Bryce came and hugged me goodbye as well, whispering in my ear so Xander couldn’t hear him.

“Take care of him. He may not seem it, but he’s scared, scared of you getting hurt. Call me if you need anything.” He gave me one last squeeze and let me go.

We piled into Xander’s Jeep, said our goodbyes to northern Virginia, and started our trek back to school.

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