Page 7 of All My Firsts

Needless to say, he had not stopped texting me. He called as well; I didn’t answer. Dealing with his incessant messages was getting tiring, yet I thought blocking him would make it worse. That would be like poking the bear.

“No, I’m good. It’s nothing. But remember, keep me looking natural, nothing too crazy. I don’t like a lot of coloron my face.”

“Don’t worry, Lanie. I know you don’t need much makeup; you’re naturally beautiful. I don’t even think you realize how pretty you are, even as you walk around in your jeans and hoodies. Most guys on this campus are checking you out all the time, at least while I’m with you.”

I stared up at her in disbelief as she said this to me because I knew she was wrong.

I was mousy, boring, and nothing to look at. It was the exact reason I stayedcovered up.

I’d spent years being told how grotesque I was. Max would tell me daily, forcing me to cover up my “hideous body.” The constant reminders were enough to ingrain itin my mind.

Becca, on the other hand, was stunning, with her raven curls hanging down her back and her deep green eyes. I paled in comparison when I stood next to her, my light hair and light eyes fading into thebackground.

“I know you don’t want too much eye makeup, but one time pleeaase let me do a smokey eye on you. Your blue eyes will pop out of your head if I do, and they’ll look amazing!”

She continued to work in a companionable silence until there was a knock on our door. I was sure it was the guys, and that excited Becca. She made it no secret she was starting to have feelings for Ty, and I was pretty sure he felt the same about her.

I, on the other hand, still got uncomfortable when they were in our room. I tried to appear as though I was adjusting to it, and I think I was starting to. But I wasn’t quite there yet. I was fine when we were out in public, but close proximity still set the anxiety in motion. However, tonight I would have to make it work until we wereready to go.

“Hey, girls. Don’t you both look amazing?” Ty said with ahuge smile.

But he was looking at Becca as he spoke upon entering the room. Logan followed, a couple six-packs of beer in his hands, a can already cracked open.

It appeared we were pregaming before our big night of bowling. He put the beers in our fridge and then sprawled himself all over my bed, making himselfcomfortable.

“Oh my God, this bed is amazing. Lanie, isthis yours?”

“Yes, that’s Lanie’s bed,” Becca said. “She spends sooo much time in it – not surprised it’s super comfy. Her pillows are amazing. She looks like she melts into it every time she lies down. But we’re getting her out tonight! So, let’s get this party started!”

Becca started streaming music onto her speaker, and the sudden club atmosphere had me frozen in place. I watched as Ty grabbed Becca and they started dancing wildly throughout the room. Logan turned his attention toward me, making me self-conscious. He was still lying on my bed, drinking his beer, the curiosity evidentin his eyes.

“Do you want one?” he asked while studying me. “And by the way, you look real pretty tonight.”

My palms had started sweating, and my breaths were short and choppy. It felt as though the air stopped moving in the room. I knew I had to look as if I didn’t belong here, because that washow I felt.

I didn’t know if Icould do it.

I didn’t knowhowto do it anymore. My anxiety was rising as the temperature in the room went up as well. Logan could see iton my face.

He got up from the bed and stalked toward me, keeping eye contact with me the whole time. His approach made my pulse quicken, and I knew he could see the change in me. He leaned down, but not too close, and whispered, “Are you OK, Lanie? You don’t look so good.”

“I’m just really hot. I, uh, need to use the bathroom. Tell them I’ll be in the elevator lobby when you guys are ready to go, OK?” He nodded, and I sprinted out of the room and down the hall.

Our nightly trips for dinner together had become our thing, but for some reason this felt different.

Suddenly, this felt kind oflike a date.

I was racing down the hall, not paying attention, and crashed into something. Rather, someone. I made everything drop from their hands, including a tray of food and a pile of books.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. I’m so, so sorry.” My voice cracked with my words. My eyes were facing the ground, working hard to avoid eye contact with whomever I had crashed into. I was on the edge of a possible breakdown because I knew I needed to stop and help with the mess I created, but I wasn’t sure I could.

Using my hair as a curtain, I tried to hide the tears that had welled up and were threatening to cascade down my cheeksany second.

“Lanie.” The voice was deep but soothing. Of course, I should have recognized it, but because I was flustered, I didn’t.

I heard his voice again, his deep, soothing voice.

“Lanie,look at me.”

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