Page 27 of All My Firsts

There were tears welled up in his eyes, and they started spilling over.

I had to look away, not wanting to fully come to terms with the gravity of what really happenedto me again.

How many challenges could one person face in a day? I still hadn’t completely come to terms with the fact that Max had someone watching me. That was coupled with the verbal lashing I’d suffered through earlier, and then this.

The strength I thought I gained by standing up to Max had drained, slowly taken with every stroke of Logan’shands on me.

Xander’s presence as he approached the couch was that of a warrior who had returned from battle. His muscles still rippled from tension, his towering height imposing as he raised his arms, hands behind his head, almost in defeat.

He seemed to be such a dichotomy, his teary-eyed expression clashing with a surge of hostility that seemed to roll off him. The intensity forced me to look away, yet again.

But then I felt him before I saw him, the couch dipping with his weight. I was curled up in a ball on the other end, my head buried in my knees, which I held tight. I turned my head slightly, one eye peeking above my knee, enabling me to glance his way. His outstretched hand was tentatively approaching, him not sure if he could touch me yet.

I wasn’t sure if he could touch me yet.

But then I felt it. His gentle fingers, first on my arm, then up to my shoulder. Trying to affirm that he was here for me. Not pushing, but waiting. I sat there, still, figuring out what my next move should be.

Lifting my head, I looked at him full on only to see his red-rimmed eyes rivaling the look of mine. My cheek was resting on my knees, new tears cascading down. His touch didn’t waver, rubbing consistent circles againstmy shoulder.

And I didn’t want to respond to his touch right now, not after what happened.

But it was impossible,inevitable.

His touch ignited a fire inside of me, a spark that went straight to my heart. He seemed to know exactly what I needed.

I let go of the restraint I was holding on to.

It snapped and seemed to allow me to feel something again for someone else. That feeling deep inside that had been forced into hiding, forbidden to be presented to the world for years. The bonds were being shed, one by one, simply by his touch. I felt myself pulling away from those bonds, trying to stay away.

Our eyes met again, the connection unmistakable, strong.

And I launched myself into his arms.

And he caught me.

He wrapped his arms around me with such strength, holding on in a way that made me feel safe.

Everything unleashed from inside of me. The utter devastation that this happened again, with someone else, washitting me.

His hands were stroking my head, his fingers running through my hair. Xander wasn’t trying to stop me from crying. He knew I needed this and let me get it out. Moving me from the couch to his lap, he kept me in his arms. I dropped my head to his shoulder, my arms holding him as if my life depended on it.

And at that moment, I think it did.

The torrent of emotion rushing from me caused my body to shake and shudder ashe held on.

Eventually, my tears ran out. I was still hiccupping from the massive cry, having trouble breathing, calming down. He took a hold of my face, his fingers guiding me tolook at him.

The pain I saw in his face, pain for me, was startling.

Hewasn’t mad.

He was devastated and broken along with me.

“I know these tears aren’t just about tonight. Your soul is damaged. I see it and recognize it, Lanie. You can talk to me. I’m here for you. We’re the same, you and me. And you may not feel ready to talk, I get that, but when you are, I’m here.”

His thumbs were rubbing the tender skin under my eyes, attempting to keep it dry, to no avail. But then I saw something in his deep, blue eyes.

I saw recognition, understanding. And I saw his pain.

---