Page 20 of All My Firsts

I needed to walk a bit around the pond to get away from a few students enjoying the day. Finally, I had some privacy. But my hands were shaking so much I felt like I couldn’t even press the buttonson my phone.

But I did. And it started ringing.

I knew he answered because it stopped ringing. But there was silence on the line. And that scared me.

“Hello? Max? Are you there?” My voice was weak, shaking, not the voice of the strong Lanie I became in the past few weeks. It angered me that he had this much control from so manymiles away.

“It’s about time, Lanie.” And then there was more silence. He was trying to control the conversation with his silence, and it was working. I was getting nervousand scared.

“I’m sorry, Max. I’ve been, uh, really busy getting settled here. Starting classes and getting my work done, learning the layout of the campus, getting to know my roommate.” Shit, this was notgoing well.

“Lanie, shut up.”

More silence. And I was shaking, my phone about to come outof my hand.

His words were biting through thephone lines.

I felt the slap on my face, the one I knew he wantedto give me.

I knew I was rambling; his silence didthat to me.

I needed to learn to stay silent like he did. That would be better, saying nothing, but I hadn’t gotten there yet.

There was not going to be a nice side of Max during this call.

“I’m assuming you were paid a visit today. Karl will be keeping tabs on you. As long as you stay in line, you won’t knowhe’s there.”

He paused, and I stopped breathing, waiting for himto continue.

My heart was beating out of my chest, and I thought for sure it could be visible through my shirt. I looked around again, this time feeling as though there were eyes on me. Was Karl watching me now?

“There is absolutely no fucking reason you could not pick up the phone and call me. There is absolutely no fucking reason you should not be texting me every night and every morning. I thought the original agreement if you went to school was that you went to class and the rest of the time was spent in your room – that was it. No social life while you’re there,”Max seethed.

“But before I left, I told you ...”

“Shut the fuck up, Lanie,” Max screamed. “You told me what? That we were over? You don’t get a say in that, remember? It has nothing to do with you, or has your stupid little brain forgotten that already? Karl will make sure you stay in line, that you don’t do anything stupid. We can’t have a repeat of that shit you pulledlast year.”

Last year. When I thought going to my guidance counselor and reporting his behavior to someone of authority would be the smart thing to do. It didn’t turn out the way I’d expected. Instead of the typical response one would expect, the counselor called Max’s father directly. Not the police, not my parents – Max’s father. That was the first sign I was dealing with a situation out of my hands. One I had no control over.

Until college arrived. My escape clause.

Max was still yelling through the phone. The rest of what he spewed in my ear was so vulgar I started to shut down. It was the only way I’d survived over the years; I had to shut it out, not listen, not hear what he was calling me or telling me he was going to do the next time he saw me. I didn’t know how my brain did it. It allowed my head to go someplace else, to escape during the worst of what he said and did. But it didn’t change that the abuse was still happening. And even over the phone, it didn’t feel any different.

But while my brain shut Max down, it did start thinking of more recent events. Flooding my thoughts were my times with Becca and the guys and how they’d made me feel like I belonged. Our night bowling, our meals together, our hang-out times in the dorm. I had friends again, and I’d started having normal experiences most college kids expected to have. Then there was Xander. There may not have been much between us, but it showed me I could feel comfortable around another guy. I never would have thought that possible after Max. These thoughts were giving me a newfound strength, something I’d neverfelt before.

I felt... hope.

“Lanie, are you listening to me? What the fuck? Are you still there?”

I guess my zoned-out session was longer than normal. But something had changed in me.

Something big.

“Yeah, Max, I’m still here. And I’m listening, but I don’t think you’re remembering our last conversation before I left for college correctly. I remember it a lot differently than you do.” My first mistake was pausing in the conversation. Over the years, I should have learned from him to continue to spewmy thoughts.

“What the fuck are you talking about? Whatever the fuck I said was just to make you shut up. I hate it when you cry; you’re such apansy ass.”

In my head, I could see the sneer that would be on his faceas he spoke.

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