Page 16 of All My Firsts

“Logan, how do you even know we’re together? We haven’t even told you yet!” Becca whined.

“Are you kidding me? Ty’s been pining for you for weeks. Once I knew he was finally talking to you, I knew he worked up the nerve to ask you. Took you long enough, dork. I was sick of hearing it every night – Becca this, Becca that. If he wasn’t going to ask you out, I was going to ask you for him.”

“Shut up, Logan!” Ty yelled as he threw fries at Logan’s face. The smile he then had for Becca made it obvious he was kidding. “We’re adults, dude. I think we’ll be able to handle being friends if things go south. Right, babe?” His question was directed at Becca, who was basically sitting on his lap, and who stuck her tongue down his throat the second he stopped talking.

But Ty pulled back for a minute and looked seriously at Logan. “I think you have somethingyouneed to take care of yourself,don’t you?”

“Nope, don’t go there, Ty. It’s not happening. I told you it’s not, didn’t I?” He glared angrily at Ty, the angriest I think we’d ever seen him. Even angrier than he was at Xander. At that, Logan pushed his chair back with a screech and abruptly stood up, grabbed his food tray, and started towardthe garbage.

“I’m done, guys. I’m heading back to the room. See ya later.”

He left us all with our mouths wide open. Ty and Becca gave each other a knowing look as Loganstormed off.

“Ignore him, guys,” I said. “I’m happy for the two of you. I’m sure you’re both adult enough to handle anything that happens down the road between you, and we can all stillbe friends.”

They gave each other giddy smiles and kissed again as I spoke. I was happy I had elevated the atmosphere, but it didn’t eliminate my own fears about our group. But, hey, who were we to stop their attempt at love? They had every right to be happy, regardless of our need for us to be friends afterward. It was selfishon our part.

Life goes on. It would be ournew normal.

Ty and Becca became one of those cute new couples I’d always enjoyed watching from my bench.

Except this time, I had an up-front view ofthe action.

They were cute to watch, like the couples I viewed from my bench. I couldn’t tell where their limbs ended or began; they were constantly wrapped around one another. They didn’t get much schoolwork done from what I could see, and Logan and I were getting locked out of our respectiverooms often.

Plus, I still hadn’t seen Logan since his outburst in the cafeteria the other day. Between the incident with Xander and him storming off that day, there seemed to be a few things he could be mad at me for. He and I had just started getting closer, and now days had gone by without a word. Not seeing much of my new friends was causing feelings of abandonment to creep up inside of me. I couldn’t help it.

I knew I needed to confront him. But confrontation was something I tried to avoid, surely due to some form of PTSD from Max. My inability to confront the issues in my life was a major concern, one I knew I needed to work on. But as far as problems went, this one with Logan was small. With that in mind, I decided I needed to do this; I could confront this problem in my life. I could go talk to Logan.

I started for his room.

However, my anxiety rose as I approached his room, all the potential outcomes running rampant in my brain. Would he get angry and yell at me for coming to him? Would we not be friends any longer? Oh my God, how would this affect the whole group? Standing outside his open door, I froze, afraid to make the next move.

But I did peek in and found him alone. My small hand barely made a sound as I knocked on his door, and his head turned my way as I stepped halfway in. He was lying in his bed, looking at his computer, doing work. His large frame barely fit on the small beds provided in the dorms, his feet hanging off the edge.

“Hey, Logan.” My hands were sweating atthis point.

“Hey, Lanie.” He was still quiet as he made eye contact with me, looking almostembarrassed.

“Logan, what’s going on? Ever since the cafeteria the other day, you haven’t said more than two words to me, and now with Ty and Becca spending every second together, I miss you. Did I do something to make you mad?” My breathing was ragged, but I got the words out.

His head jerked up, and his face softened onceI finished.

“Oh my God, Lanie, you didn’t do anything. I’m such an ass.” He stood up and came toward me with slow steps. “What Ty said the other day in front of you guys fucking pissed me off, and I’ve been too embarrassed to see you. I didn’t even stop to think you’d feelyoudid something. It was absolutely nothing you did at all. It was all Ty.” As he spoke, he looked down into my eyes, and I felt a hint of intimacy in the moment. “I could never be mad at you, Lanie. Not in a million years could I be mad at you – alwaysknow that.”

Shit. I had been right those other times when I thought Logan was flirting with me, but this was more. This was heavy; this came with feelings. It felt as though he was about to make a major declaration when, thankfully, Ty and Becca came bouncing into the room. Logan and I both jerked our heads toward the door.

“Hi, guys! Are we interrupting something?” Becca squealed withexcitement.

“No!” I yelled.

“Yes!” Logan screamed at the same time.

I pulled away from Logan, needing the separation to be greater than the room afforded with the four of us in it. I wanted to make a run for it, bound out the door. But the moment was awkward enough already. It would have been made worse by a sudden departure, so I stayed. But my reluctance had to be evidentto everyone.

“Hey, Becca, uh, didn’t you and Lanie have to do that thing you told me about?” Ty said and made some weird eye motion to her to give her the unsaid message.

“Oh, yeah, Lanie, let’s go.I forgot, and we’re going to be late.” She grabbed my hand and led me out of the room and had her head against mine the second she could. The whisper that wasn’t a whisper assaulted my ear. “What was going on in there? Were you and Logan going to hook up? That would be great. The four of us could go out all the time, Lanie!”

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