Page 60 of Tendu: Dancing in the Castle

“Let me make love to you, so you remember how good we are together.”

“Don’t do this to me, Aleks.”

He dropped his hands at once, but carried on speaking. “That last time, here, between us. The first morning. This cannot be the thing you remember. I was try to turn everything back to just sex. Is not working; I was overwhelmed by your touch and your sweetness. And horrified at myself for making you—”

“You didn’t make me do anything.”

I lowered to a crouch on the stairs and he followed suit. We sat closely together, hands clasped round our knees like small children.

“I wanted to do that,” I told him, reaching out to take his hand. “You never let me before.”

“I didn’t want you to do something you might not like, just to please me.”

“It was with you, so of course I liked it.” The rest of the truth of that moment blurted out too. “In fact, I would have liked rather more of the experience than you were willing to give me.”

He met my direct gaze.

“I’m not the sweet little girl you seem to be painting me as,” I told him. “And you’re not an evil seducer.” I kept hold of his hand as it seemed to be calming him. His eyes had lost some of the manic look of earlier. “But I did stand out here afterwards feeling discarded and inadequate.”

“All inadequacies are mine,” he said. “You are perfect, in all things.”

“No,” I replied, cross, dropping his hand. “I’m not perfect. But this week, here. This isn’t what I’ll keep from our relationship. It won’t be. That wasn’t us. We were over when I got off that bus, maybe before.”

“No.”

“You gave me so much, Aleks. I didn’t know it could be like that: sex, love, relationships. It was the best five weeks of my life.”

“No,” he said again. “This time we had, I didn’t treat you right even then. I should have been taking you out. I know so many places you would love. I realise this when I see you all dressed up for the Ceilidh. You are exquisite, so striking in formal dress. And why am I never see before? Because all I wanted, like the spoilt, selfish creature of me, is to be home in bed with you. I am so shamed.”

“That’s all I wanted too.”

“Tell me what to do.”

His face was full of hope, but what he meant couldn’t be. My heart couldn’t go through this again.

“Do what you came here to do,” I advised. “Make us the best dancers we can be. You’re really good at that. We’re already so much better than we were before you taught us. But, right now? Go downstairs and get something to eat. Then go to bed and sleep.”

“This, I can do,” he said, at once brightening, and standing, and then he was gone. Only the echoes of his departing feet remained with me on the hard stone stairs.

Chapter 19

BymorningIknewmy resolve to be gone. I could remember what it was like to be warm, to lie next to him, to hear his heart pound after love and his breathing slow in slumber. I loved him too much to resist another heartfelt entreaty. His pain pulsed within the aching space of my own chest, so real, so wrong, and so easily fixable.

And there he was, waiting, yet again, on the stairs.

“Amalphia,” he said. “Do not worry. I am not to be bothering you anymore, only to say this.” He’d shaved and smelled all soapy and fresh. “I respect your wishes. My door, it is always open to you. If you want to talk, or sit, anything. Never knock. You understand?”

He was offering friendship. We walked down and round, his hand hovering over the base of my spine, but not touching, not now.

We parted ways in the great hall.

Justin eyed me beadily. “Hearst has a theory that Zolotov got dumped by snotty-tights Simone over there. And now you and he waltz in here together. Anything you want to tell us, Phi?”

“I met him on the stairs. He was nice. Told me I could talk to him anytime.”

“That’ll be because I told him you’d dumped the prick,” said Will.

“Will!” I said, horrified. “Please don’t tell people… stuff like that.”

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