Page 79 of Every Thought Taken

Angelica returns with drinks, takes our menus after we order, and promises to return soon with the appetizer. Honestly, the kitchen could take an hour to make the food and I wouldn’t care. I am here with Helena, and she is what matters.

“So,” she says, sipping her creamy tea. “Tell me about van life.”

My eyes widen as I scoff. “Where do I start?” I shrug. “It’s liberating and terrifying and adventurous. And as much as I love it, the road gets lonely.”

She rolls her lips between her teeth, her eyes on the table a beat before they meet mine. “I get that.”

Which part? The freedom and open road or the loneliness?

Loneliness on the road is different than isolation among others. If I am honest, lack of companionship in the thick of people is worse than on your own in the middle of a desert. Being surrounded by people who don’t want you eats away at your soul. Rips you apart. Keeps you constantly teetering on the edge of poor decisions.

Beneath the table, I wring the cloth napkin in my lap. Twist it tight enough to sting my palms.

“Helena, I—”

The server deposits the appetizer on the table. I nod with a forced smile and a muffled thanks.

I use the momentary interruption to take a sip of water and mull over how to proceed. Taking a bite of spring roll, I give myself another minute. Helena isn’t oblivious to my stalling tactics. Her attention is fully mine as she nibbles on a spring roll and waits for me to continue.

“There are things you don’t know, things Ales doesn’t know.” I draw in the condensation on my glass. “When you left for college, I hit an all-time low. I got swallowed by the darkness.” My blues meet her greens across the table, my stomach cramping. “Before I say more, I need you to promise me something.”

Setting the spring roll down, she wipes her hands with a napkin and nods. “Sure.”

“This is a heavy promise to uphold, but I need your word.”

Her forehead wrinkles as her brows pinch together. “I swear, whatever it is.”

“Promise not to feel guilty. What I need to tell you, it isn’t your fault. You need to know my mind would’ve steered me down the same path eventually. It’s chemical.”

Tears rim her lids as she pins me with veiny eyes. “That’s a difficult promise to make without details, but I’ll try.”

Inhaling deeply, I hold the breath in my lungs until they beg for release and fresh oxygen. On an audible exhale, I step outside of my comfort zone and prepare to put my soul on the line.

Scanning the nearby tables, relief washes over me as I note no one’s attention is on us. I take one last cleansing breath and swallow past my nervousness. “Not long after you left, I started cutting again.”

She sucks in a sharp breath, but I ignore it and trudge forward.

“The momentary euphoria and relief sated me the first week. Then it wasn’t enough.” That first time I felt nothing when the blade sliced my flesh, I was angry. Pissed off at my body for betraying me. I needed release and my body refused to give me what I was desperate for. “So, I needed a new escape. Something less…temporary. For days, my mind was a black hole. Thinking, planning, on the path toward executing.”

Across the table, Helena holds her breath. Her chin wobbles as she bites the inside of her lips. And as much as I’d like to skip the grim parts, she needs to hear it all.

In order for us to move forward, in order for us to have any type of future, this needs to be out in the open.

“In the middle of the day, I strolled into Lakeside Grocer and stole a bottle of sleeping pills.” I curl my fingers into tight fists under the table, my nails biting the flesh of my palms. The pain a welcome reminder that I am here. I am alive. That this moment in my life, though dark and frightful, does not define who I am. “I swallowed all of them when no one was home.” Tears blur my vision as my throat swells with emotion. “All I wanted was to fall asleep and never wake up. All I wanted was freedom from pain, from burdening others, from being undesirable on every level.”

Tears paint her cheeks as she chokes out, “Ander…”

“I woke up in the hospital more than a day later. They’d pumped my stomach and restrained me to the bed. For weeks, I sat in a psychiatric ward and talked about my feelings.” Those constant sessions didn’t change the way I viewed life and the world, but they taught me ways to cope with my biochemistry and the natural thought deviations I experienced.

I lift an arm from my lap and lay it on the table, palm up. Without hesitation, Helena rests her hand in mine, holding on to me with unimaginable strength. And god, it makes me love her more.

“This will always be part of who I am. Only now, I’ve learned how to coexist with it and still live a happy life. Some days are easy. Some days, I am happy. But other days, I stay in bed and avoid life.”

Helena wipes her cheeks with her free hand. She stares down at our joined hands, her chest expanding before she audibly exhales. “Ander, I’m sorry. I-I—”

“No. Please don’t apologize. We may have been rocky that last year, but what happened isn’t your fault. You had a lot on your plate, too.” I lean over the table and bring her hand to my lips, kissing the top. “It’s a lot to take in, but I don’t want secrets between us. And I wanted to tell you before I let Ales know.”

“I…” She sniffles. “I don’t know what to say.”

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