Page 78 of Every Thought Taken

Happy.A simple word with such a complex meaning.

“It’s a constant work in progress, but I’m trying.”

She cups my cheek. “If you need anything, I’m always here. Need to bitch? Lay it on me. Need to scream? I’ll drive us to the trail and stand there as you yell at the mountain. If you need to talk about demons, I’ll always listen.”

God, how long I’ve wanted someone other than a therapist to listen to my inner turmoil. Not that I plan to immediately spill every dark secret with my sister. Her tears as I share some of my monsters will undoubtedly add a fresh wound next to my scars. But having her in my court, having a safe space, is the best gift.

I swallow past the emotional swell in my throat. “Thanks, Ales.” Stepping into her, I haul her to my chest and hug the breath from her lungs. “Means more than you know.”

With a cough, she taps my shoulder. “Can’t breathe.”

I release her on a laugh. “Now you know what your hugs feel like.”

She playfully rolls her eyes. “Yeah, yeah.” Her fingers fumble with the collar of my shirt. “Go on your date already.”

After one last look in the mirror, I exit the bathroom and slip on shoes. Out the door and down the stairs, I take a deep breath and calm the nervous buzz in my chest.

This is what you’ve always wanted.Sheis what you’ve always wanted.

In a flowy, full-length cream sundress, Helena crosses Main and weaves between cars before stepping onto the sidewalk. Sleek, short hair out of her face and pinned with a clip on her crown. Her lips are painted a bold red and her eyes are lined with kohl.

Damn, she is breathtaking.

One step after another, she closes the distance between us. She has yet to notice me outside the restaurant, and I use the time to stare unabashedly. Locals wave, smile or greet her as she passes them, and she returns each gesture or sentiment without hesitation.

Two storefronts down, she spots me in the evening crowd. Her stride stutters for a split second, but I don’t miss it. A soft smile tips up the corners of her mouth as she tugs the strap of her purse higher on her shoulder. Each of her steps kicks my pulse into the next gear. When she reaches me, I take a deep breath and beg my heart to settle.

“Hey,” I croak out.

“Hey, Ander.” She clasps her hands at her waist and fidgets with her ring.

“Shall we?” I open the door to Trixie’s and gesture for her to enter.

Stepping inside, the hostess takes my name, grabs menus, and weaves us through the packed tables. We are seated at a booth near the back of the restaurant. Quiet and somewhat private, I slide into the booth across from Helena.

Years ago, you never needed a reservation for any of the restaurants in Lake Lavender. But when I looked up a few online, I noted each recommended reservations from Friday through Sunday, May to October. I love seeing our small town thriving but miss the lesser foot traffic and quieter streets.

Handing us each a menu, the hostess mentions tonight’s special then walks off. Before I get to read all the appetizers, a young woman sidles up to the table.

“Hey, Lena. How are you?”

A nervous smile highlights Helena’s expression. “Hey, Angelica. Good, thanks. And you?”

The server pulls a pad of paper and pen from her apron, pen poised to write. “Great. Been busy tonight. Half the town must be here. And the number of take-out orders… don’t get me started. But you can’t go wrong with padding the piggy bank. Am I right?” She shifts her attention to my side of the table. “Hi there, I’m Angelica. What can I get you to drink?”

This woman, not much younger than me, has more energy than I can handle. Her smile is kind and personality warm, but her exuberant extroversion makes me step back mentally.

I swallow and smile, hoping it doesn’t look like I’m in pain. “Water, please.”

Helena orders Thai iced tea and asks her to give us time to look over the menu. When the server is out of earshot, Helena chuckles. “Intimidating, isn’t she?”

I scan the restaurant to make sure she isn’t at a nearby table. “Uh, yeah.” I grip the menu tighter. “I may not be as reserved as years ago, but when people invade my space, it throws me off.”

Being on my own, out in the wild for years, it wasn’t often I was near other people. I wasn’t completely isolated from humanity, but my interaction with others was minimal. I made friends within the van-life community, but we mostly kept in contact online or through texts. Occasionally, we met up and hiked trails as a collective. But I enjoyed solitude. I enjoyed separating myself from people and connecting with nature.

In the middle of nowhere, I never felt freer. I never felt lighter.

Now, it is time to find the same peace with my past. And hopefully, my future. Which also means I need to coexist with different personalities and crowds.

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