Page 72 of I Got You

She huffs but moves so I can sit. Leaning back, I open the footstool, and Maggie rests her head on my thigh. “Tell me about the game.”

I tell her about the hot shot not cooling his jets after our last go round, and in a matter of minutes, she’s back asleep. I look at the kids and back down at Maggie before resting my head, realizing how happy I am to be home. A huge part of me is scared at how attached I’m becoming to this family.It’s like a dream, and at any moment, I’m going to wake up and find out that they’ll never be mine.

Chapter 25

MAGGIE

Each sewn-on little gold reflector shimmers in the afternoon light pouring in through the single window of our dressing room. My reflection stares back at me in the full-length antique mirror, and I tug at the neck of the scratchy gold material.

I hate dresses like this. It’s not this dress in particular. This dress is gorgeous. It’s a fitted maxi with a high neck and cap sleeves, leading to a low-cut back that dips close to my behind. The dress is exquisitely elegant and makes Simone look like a goddess. It’s beautiful, but my short stature doesn’t do it justice.

I wish, like Liv, I could feel like a princess, but dresses like this make me feel suffocated and want to crawl out of my skin. There was a time when I wore a dress like this and felt grown-up and beautiful, but it was a turning point. A moment in time when I was no longer innocent. One second, a little girl holding my mom’s hand, thinking the world was good and kind, and the next, darkness enveloped me, showing me the ugliness and harshness of life.

I pull at the neck again and check my phone. I’ve been expecting a text from Shane telling me he’s here, but still nothing. Something about knowing he’s here will help me breathe easier. His calm, strong presence grounds me, and I need that today.

These past couple of weeks have felt like we’ve started to settle into a rhythm. Since getting over the flu or whatever we all had, something changed between Shane and me. We’ve become friends who live life together. We live together, share days together, sleep together. I’ve shared personal things with him, and he’s been supportive and caring. For the first time in so long, I don’t feel alone, and I hope Shane feels the same way.

“Hey.” Simone comes to stand beside me, fixing her long, dark curls. “You ok? You’re fidgety.”

“Yeah. I’m fine. I’m just…excited.” I lie, looking over at Carmen, standing with her mom, blinking like a maniac so her mascara doesn’t run as they do the final touches on her hair and makeup. She’s the spitting image of a blushing bride, and I have to look away as a sharp pain sears through me at the moment I’ll never have.

I need to get a grip because watching her walk down the aisle with her dad will be a knife in a freshly scabbed wound. This isn’t how I want to feel today. I want to be full of joy for one of my very best friends, and I am. I’m so happy for her and John. They’re going to have an amazing life together, and I’m grateful I get to be a part of it. Selfishly, though, I can’t help but grieve all the things about today that I’ll never have.

I check my phone again. Nothing from Shane, but I have a voicemail from my lawyer, and given that it's Saturday, I know it’s not good news. I close my eyes and take another deep breath as someone peeks their head in the door.

“About five minutes, ladies.”

I put my arm around Carmen, willing myself to let go of lost dreams and things I cannot control. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more beautiful bride.”

She squeezes me. “You ok?”

A lump forms in my throat, but I quickly swallow it down. There’s no room for tears today, and Carmen deserves my full attention. “Weddings are an emotional roller coaster.”

“Tell me about it. I don’t think I’ve cried this much since they announced Gilmore Girls was ending. John is going to freak when he sees what a mess I am.”

We laugh and gather our bouquets.

“Nah. You’ll have to hand him your hankie when he sees you. Trust me.”

“Come on, girls,” Simone says in her best diva voice. “It’s showtime.”

∞∞∞

I made it through the ceremony with only two tears and one bout of searching each face, hoping it was Shane’s. I took slow, calming breaths through every step of Carmen’s saunter down the aisle and all through their vows, and I freaking made it.

I slide my arm through Carmen’s brother’s, ready to run on to the party and closer to getting out of this dress. I’m still waiting for Shane, and that voicemail hangs over my head like a guillotine.

As the bride and groom greet their guests, I find a moment to slip away to the dressing room to check my phone.

SHANE: I’m not going to make it. Bad game. Sorry. I’ll see you at home.

Tears prick my eyes all over again, but this time, I let them hang on the edge. I wanted him here. I wanted his steadiness and banter. I wanted him to take my mind off all the heavy and put it back on easy and fun for a little while.

My fingers hover over the letters to type back something like I understand, but right now, I don’t. I don’t understand. He told me he’d be here, and even though he’s had a rough day, he’s not the only one. I get that he knows nothing about what’s going on in my head or how I’m feeling, but he told me he’d be here. I was counting on him, and I wanted him to be here.

I close the text box and pace for a minute, gearing myself up for what I know is likely in the voicemail. I don’t want to listen to it, but just like facing today and this dress and all of the grief swirling inside me, ignoring it isn’t going to change a thing.

I stop in front of the window where the last light of the day is creeping below the horizon. I hit play, put the phone to my ear, and close my eyes. I didn’t think it could be worse than Cliff and Joan suing for custody of the kids, but it is. It’s worse.

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