Page 130 of I Got You

SHANE

I step off the podium, needing to find Maggie. The relief I felt when I saw her in the stands was almost more than I could bear. It wasn’t that I didn’t expect her to be here when she said she would be. I just needed to see her. I needed the confirmation I saw in her blue eyes that she hadn’t given up.

These past twenty-four hours have been excruciating, and I’m exhausted and feel completely incompetent. Maggie agreed the letter was a start, but what now? She read the only thing I’ll ever have from my mother. Hopefully, she understands now how little I have to offer her. I wasn’t even enough for my own mother.

She said that I only offer her scraps or fragments, but the reality is that’s all I have. My life hasn’t consisted of happy memories or stability or any kind of example of what it means to be a husband or part of a real family. Unlike football, it doesn’t come naturally. My instincts have always been to keep to myself and to remain unaffected and unattached. I’ve only ever depended on myself.

All of that has changed. Despite my best efforts, I’ve become attached to Maggie…and the kids. As completely selfish as it is, I want Maggie to be mine and only mine. I want to be a part of their family and everything they have together, but I don’t know that I can give her everything she wants and deserves.

I step out into the hallway and see her leaning against the wall, waiting with the kids.

Liv runs to me. “Shaney!” She jumps into my arms and hugs my neck tight. “You won! Can we get pizza now?”

“Sure.” I hug her, and the tightness in my chest that’s been there since last night releases just a little more. Maggie steps forward, and I set Liv down. She smiles up at me and instantly throws her arms around my neck.

I knew I needed to see her, but this. I’ve longed for this, having her close to me where I don’t have to let her go for a while. I pull her close, sliding my hand behind her head, unwilling to let her go yet.

“You up for pizza, big guy?” she asks as I close my eyes, finally able to take a full breath and easing the permanent ache in my chest.

This is all I want. I want to go with Maggie and the kids to have pizza and then go home. To our home. The one they’ve allowed me to be a part of.

“Yeah.” I pull back, and she brings her hands to my face, searching me. “Thank you for being here.”

She smiles. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Are you sure?” I need to be sure.

“Yes. Trust me.” She has no idea how much I want to. She pushes up and presses her lips to mine for just a second.

“Ewwwww. Come on. We’re hungry,” I hear Teddy whine. “Save all that for later.”

Just to mess with him, I kiss her a little harder, feeling her smile under my lips. I look over Maggie’s head and see the kids lined up against the wall, snickering, except for Hank, whose head is in his phone. Yes. This is what I want.

“Come on, you little punk,” I say, ruffling his hair. “Someday, you’ll understand.”

“No way. Kissing is gross.” Teddy scoffs.

“Think of all those germs and bacteria you just swapped,” Garrett adds, laughing.

Hank slaps me on the back. “Good game.”

I take Maggie’s hand, Liv’s in my other, and I walk out of the stadium feeling like maybe, just maybe, everything will be ok.

∞∞∞

“Tell me.” Maggie slides in next to me on the couch. “If you want to.”

When we got home from dinner, I built a fire in the fireplace while Maggie ushered the kids through baths. I’ve thought about what I want to say, but all I know is to start from the beginning.

She waits patiently, running her fingers over my knuckles.

“I don’t remember much about her. She had long, dark, almost black hair. I’d sit on the back of the toilet in our trailer while she put makeup on, telling her I liked her better without it. All the memories I have are snippets, single moments in time. Nothing…cohesive.”

I take a breath. I hate talking about this and trying to make sense of something I will never understand, at least entirely.

“She was sick…a lot. Couldn’t get out of bed. Other times, she’d flip out, and I’d cry while she screamed and yelled. Sometimes we had food and sometimes we didn’t. An old lady next door would have me over while my mom got better. I didn’t understand then, but men would come in and out all the time. She used to lock me in my room at night. I don’t know if it was to keep me in or them out, but it scared me, being trapped in there when I’d wake up.”

Maggie slides her fingers through mine, holding me a little tighter.

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