Page 129 of I Got You

Having you was the single thing I have done right, and it seems like the only glimpse I have that God really does exist. I’m not worthy of you and certainly didn’t earn you, but there you were. The one thing that makes me believe.

It makes me know that giving you a chance in this world is the only right thing. A chance I never had.

I know you may not feel it or understand it, but I love you with all I am. Maybe one day, there will come a time when you are faced with a circumstance or an opportunity, and you will simply know that sacrifice is the only right thing. Doing something for the sake of another because there isn’t another choice.

Fly, my sweet boy. Soar to the greatest heights. I will love you until the end of time and beyond. You will always be mine.

Mom

I sit on the bed, trying to not let my tears hit the page. I read it twice, absorbing the words and wondering how Shane feels about them. I want to know. I want to know everything. When did he get this? Does he remember her? Is this why he married me?

My mind spins, waiting for understanding to take hold. The pain in this letter is living and real. It’s raw, as if blood, sweat, and tears seep from the page, but it doesn’t change anything for the little boy who was given away. He was still left, abandoned by the one who was supposed to care for him and cherish him always.

I want to sob for him. I want to hold him and care for him and love him until he doesn’t feel alone or unwanted anymore. I want to show him that good and right exist and that even though we live through pain, suffering, and horror, sometimes it makes us who we are so that we can become who we need to be.

Instantly, I need to see him. I fold the letter and replace it just as I found it. I know this doesn’t change everything for us, and there’s so much more, but he’s given me this. This one thing, and it’s huge. I love him, and I’ll show him what that looks like. I’ll hold on to the hope that one day he’ll be able to see, even if he can’t name it, that he loves me too.

∞∞∞

As Shane walks down the sideline, the man walking toward me has overcome so much, and I know I don’t even know half of it. He’s braver than he’ll ever realize and despite what he thinks, he has an enormous heart inside that massively muscled body. I just need him to see that there’s life still pumping through it. He’s so full of love, and he’s been giving it away, accepting nothing in return.

He makes his way in front of our seats and looks up at me. He doesn’t have his game face on and it worries me. I smile, tug on his jersey, and mouth, ‘You’ve got this.’ I see him relax, and he nods slightly before turning his back to me, focusing on his team.

I watch Cole warming up, and he’s looking strong. I take my seat, and even though I can’t wait to watch this game unfold, I’m even more anxious for it to be over so I can hug my husband and try to set his mind at ease.

Kickoff puts the game in motion and as Cole takes the field, we chant his name. The game against our rivals is riveting, as expected, and I end up standing with my hands clenched more than I sit. I watch Shane in action, calling to his guys and helping them prevent their opponents from gaining yards.

A couple hours later, the clock runs out, and the Colorado Moose are moving on. We stand and scream as the fans go crazy. I see Cole throw his hand in the air, pumping his fist three times just like my dad used to. I’ve cried so much today, and I feel like I’m going to start all over again.

I search for Shane and see him in the middle of the field, shaking hands and congratulating his team. Then I see him turn, weaving through people as he walks in my direction. I’m not waiting any longer. I tell Hank to watch the kids, and I climb over the wall, meeting him on the field.

He picks me up and holds me tight.

“I’m so proud of you,” I say into his ear amidst the chaos around us.

“Did you read it?” he asks.

“Yes. Thank you for trusting me.” I feel his chest rise and fall against mine with relief.

“Can we talk about it later?”

“We can talk about it whenever you want.” I squeeze him as tight as I can.

“It’s a start,” he says quietly.

I pull back and cup his scruffy face, wanting to see him underneath his hat. I smile. “Yes, it’s a start.” I hug him tight again. “Now, go celebrate with your team.”

“Wait for me,” he says, and I know he’s talking about more than waiting for him to be done with interviews.

I bring my forehead to his. “Always.” I press my lips to his, soft and gentle. When I go to pull back, he chases me, taking the kiss deeper, and I’m happy to reciprocate. I’ve wanted to be close to him like this for so long, and I think he might finally let me in, even if it’s just a little bit. He keeps it PG, but I’d be just fine if he wanted to try this again later when we’re alone.

Pulling away, I see the slightest smile, like he’s still a bit unsure. He sets me down for just a second before scooping me up and dumping me back over the wall. Liv jumps into his arms and he holds her like she’s the most precious thing while giving each of the boys a high five and Hank some kind of hand-slapping shake before jogging back to the team. I just watched the interaction and wonder how he doesn’t realize what he’s doing. What he’s been doing all along.

I know he’s scared. He’s completely terrified. After reading the letter, I know even more now that he’d been unwilling to let anyone in out of fear. To allow himself to feel things deeply when, at any moment, they could be taken away or, even worse, walk away. But he’s done it. He’s taken the big leap, only he crossed one tiny step at a time without even realizing it. I need him to turn around and see how far he’s come. He’s doing it, and all I need to do is be patient and wait.

I can’t help the big grin on my face. I know we have a hill to climb, but like he said it’s a start, and even if I have to lug my big grizzly bear to the top myself, I will because he’s worth it.

Chapter 51

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