Page 128 of I Got You

“I do.”

The two words pierce my soul with devastating accuracy. I leave because I have no choice. I’m already so late. I push out the gym doors with anger coiling around me like a boa constrictor. I’m so angry that I can’t just give her what she’s asking for. I don’t know how.

I want to give Maggie anything she desires. All of me, just like she asked. How to do that? I don’t know how to give her something I lost so long ago or maybe never had to begin with.

My heart was ripped out when my mom left me standing there, afraid and alone. She just walked away, taking my five-year-old heart with her. How can I give Maggie something that is not in my possession?

If I gave her the pieces I have left, would it be enough? All I have is dark, empty space where goodness and love should reside. If I show her my scarred remains, will she still want me?

I jump in my truck and peel out of the parking lot, knowing that if there’s anyone I would try to give my whole messed up self to, it’s Maggie. She trusted me and left nothing hidden. She’s my best friend. The kind I’ve never known to exist until now.

So that’s all I can do, try. I have to try to give her my ugly, damaged remains and hope it will be enough because not trying isn’t an option. I want Maggie. My little firecracker. My fighter. My Firefly. I need her. All of her.

I don’t know what to do or say, but I’ll fight just like she’s shown me. It’s what you do when someone matters. You stay, and you fight like hell. So I’ll give it everything I’ve got and maybe I know where to start.

Chapter 50

MAGGIE

SHANE: Top drawer of the dresser all the way in the back. There’s an envelope with a letter inside. Please read it.

ME: Are you sure?

SHANE: Yes

ME: Positive?

SHANE: Maggie

ME: Ok

SHANE: I’ll see you here.

ME: Grizz, focus on the game. I’ll see you there.

∞∞∞

I left the studio not long after Shane walked out the door. I didn’t have anything left to give the show today and wanted to make sure that I got to the stadium in plenty of time. I’ve never seen Shane so shaken, and I hate that he’s feeling this way today of all days.

A lot is riding on this game, not just for him but for Cole and the entire team. He needs to be focused and have his head in the zone. If my being there, in his jersey, gives him comfort, then I’ll make sure he sees me as soon as he walks out. I want to be there, and I want to be there for him.

I’m not sure what I expected to come from spilling my heart to him and telling him I needed more, but I hadn’t expected him to dive in. While grabbing something to eat in the kitchen and talking to Gwen about getting the kids ready for the game, I heard my phone buzz. I had to read his text three times to make sure I was really seeing what I was seeing.

I know this man. I know that he heard me, and he’s trying. That says more to me than any words ever could. That tidbit of hope that I had left this morning just ballooned. It’s all I can ask for him to try. He may not be able to say that he loves me or even understand or admit that’s what he’s doing, but he’s trying to give me something, and I’ll take it because I love him. That’s what love does. It stays, holds tight, and doesn’t run when things hit a snag.

That’s what he expects. He expects me to leave, to run away, but you don’t let something so beautiful and so good go because it gets hard. It hurt that he didn’t tell me about Ohio State, but it’s what happens sometimes. We hurt each other. It’s what we do with that hurt that makes all the difference.

After asking Gwen to make the kids lunch, I showered, preparing to do what Shane asked. I stand in front of his dresser, staring at it, unsure what I’ll find inside. I know whatever is in the letter is important to Shane, and he’s trusting me with it. It feels big, and my stomach rolls a little with the weight of it.

If I have any shot of protecting his enormous, delicate heart, I need to know whatever is in the letter. And I will protect it. I will guard it with the skills of a Navy Seal.

I open the drawer, reach into the back, and find the envelope. I perch myself on the edge of the bed, gripping it with care. Taking a deep breath, I open and unfold a single sheet of worn notebook paper.

My boy. What can I say? There are so many things, and yet nothing could ever be enough. I know you will always have questions and will probably be angry with me for all of your life, but the one thing I know with absolute certainty is that this is the most selfless thing I have ever done.

I hope that you can believe me someday. I have tried, oh how I have tried and tried to rid myself of the demons that haunt me. To scour myself clean and make myself worthy of you. There won’t be a day that goes by that I won’t wish I could have been more for you, that I could do the right things to be able to spend my life showing you what you mean to me. But here I am, doing the only thing I know to do that will help ensure you have the life you deserve.

I know you may not believe me, but you are the light of my life. The single bright spot. I won’t quit trying, and I’m not giving up, but I have to give you up to hopefully allow myself a chance, and the only reason is for you.

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