Page 125 of I Got You

The longer I laid there, the more I realized that what I’d told him last night was true. I’m not mad at him. I’m hurt. I want to be the one he shares his news with, good and bad. Instead, he remains closed off even when I’ve bared my soul to him. I’ve been vulnerable and shared things with him that I’ve never shared with anyone, but he won’t. He remains clamped up tighter than the jaws of life.

I’m frustrated. I don’t just want to see the outside of Shane, the scraps he’s willing to give me. I want all of him. I want to know what shaped him into the amazing man he is. But he won’t. He won’t let me in to hold him and keep him and never let him go.

I know being left as a child broke something inside him. There’s a fear so deep and so great within him that’s been there so long. He only knows how to guard and protect himself from anything and anyone threatening his security. Guarding himself is his comfort. His safety net. And I know now it’s impenetrable.

I’m an idiot. I’m disappointed and stupidly let my feelings cloud reality. Shane was honest going into this that he never wanted to marry or have a family. I let myself think that he’d see he has a family now. That he has me. My whole heart. I’ve given it to him, and I think he’s even holding on to it. He just won’t let me have his in return.

Even now, he’s got it locked down tight where I can’t reach it, and I want to. I want to hold his heart and show him I won’t break it. I won’t let him down or walk away, but how do you show that to someone who won’t let you close enough to even try to nudge it loose just the slightest bit? Who won’t risk it to give you a chance to prove his fear is unwarranted this time?

I want a partner, a best friend, a lover. A man I can build a family of my own with. I want it all, and I want it with Shane, but it will likely never happen. I can’t live the life I want with only tiny pieces of him. I deserve better than that, and he deserves a life without the pressure of me wanting things he’s not offering.

The sting of tears prickle my eyes as the phone rings, and after three rounds of pulsing beats Danny picks up. I shove my emotions deep down and ready myself to get to work.

“Two weeks, baby. Are you psyched? This show is going to bring the house down. I watched the last video you sent, and that dance is hot. I’ve got the team working on it. All we need is to finalize our dances, you need to send through your solo, and then we should be set.”

I don’t want to think about the show. I want to be at home, curled next to Shane, where I left him. I want him to tell me something, anything that will give me hope. But here I am, and I’ve committed to this show, so I’ll work. Proving something to myself that I’m not really sure I care about anymore.

“Ok. Let me show you what I was thinking about our dances. I want to throw out the final song and pick something else.”

Danny groans. “Why? It was perfect.”

“I just don’t think it works.” I don’t have the energy to argue. “I know there’s something better, and we need the best.”

“Ok. We’ll work on that. Show me what you got.”

We worked for the next few hours, giving me a break from my thoughts and heavy feelings. We finalized our dances, knowing we’ll have to rehearse like crazy once I’m in New York, but given how well Danny and I work together, we should be able to nail them pretty quickly.

“I’m going to rest my ankle as much as possible, but I’ll send you music and video for my solo ASAP,” I promise, really hoping I can deliver.

“Sounds good. Maggie, I’m so glad you decided to do this.” He grins. “This show is going to create buzz, which hopefully will turn into a demand for more or maybe even a recurring spot.”

I won’t burst his bubble, but this is it for me. My life is here, and this is where I want to be, not to mention my ankle is sore every minute of the day, and I pray it holds up.

“I hope this works out for you, Danny. You know I’ll give it my all. I’m going to let you go and work on my solo while I have some time left. I’m not loving what I have so far, so I better get to it.”

“Ok. Good luck. I know whatever you come up with will be magic.”

Hanging up, my mind is clearer than when I walked in this morning. Like always, I left some of my heart on the dance floor. My feelings for Shane remain messy and unrequited, at least in the way I need and want, but I know that our friendship and commitment to one another are unchanged.

I need to tell him that. I want him to know that I’ve got him no matter what. He may not let me in the way I want or the way I’d hoped, but he’s still mine for as long as he’ll allow me to be there. I will hang on until my last bit of hope takes flight. Then I’ll have to figure out what to do from there. Love doesn’t give up. It doesn’t just walk away when it’s hard. It stays and fights.

I scroll my phone and my brain, looking for inspiration. I think about all I’m feeling, and as I move from song to song, one hits me, taking on a whole new meaning.

Before I even start moving, it’s as if I can feel the music and lyrics in my soul. I tap play, moving to the center of the room. In the four minutes until the final note, it’s as if everything comes pouring out and tears stream down my face and neck. Tears for my mom and dad. For the kids. For Shane. For me wanting everything and scared that this is it. That somehow I’m going to have to let Shane go, having given away another piece of my heart that I’ll never get back.

But maybe that’s the risk of falling in love. Giving someone pieces of you because you can’t stand not to. So you jump in and hope, no matter how small that hope might be, that some part of you will matter to them, too. That they will handle your fragile heart with care. And whether I wanted to or not, whether I even realized what was happening, Shane has my heart. I can’t bear the thought of trying to collect it back.

The song ends, and even though I know there’ll be tweaks and lots of practice, I’ve done it. I’ve given it everything I’ve got. I’ve left nothing hidden or kept anything reserved, but I haven’t done that with Shane. I’ve held things back. My feelings. What I want and the desire to have it all with him.

I inhale and exhale, my chest pumping with adrenaline and squeezing with a remnant of hope. The door to the studio swings open, and in strides the man who I know, if he had a choice, would never, ever let me down.

Chapter 49

SHANE

I gave her time. About eleven hours, and her time’s up. I can’t wait any longer. I should be at the stadium, preparing for our first game of the playoffs, but the only thing I can think about is Maggie and how much I’ve hurt her. I need to know why.

When I woke expecting to find her tucked into me, all I found was empty space and I hated it. I needed to feel her, to see her next to me, and to know she’s still with me, but she wasn’t, and my stomach has been in knots since.

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