Page 107 of I Got You

“I don’t want to,” I say, willing my voice to hold strong.

He grabs my hand, intertwining our fingers. “Tell me.”

His closeness and touch loosens the muscles in my throat just enough I can pull in a deep breath, trying to be brave when I feel nothing but shame. This is it. The worst of me. I just handed it to him on a large yellow envelope platter. Allowing someone else access to this is like handing over the keys to the kingdom. It’s the single thing that will shred my soul into a thousand pieces with the most subtle mention.

I’m giving it to him, the whole damn thing. Something I’ve never given anyone before, not even my dad, because we never really did talk about it. Now, I have to. I have to talk to Shane about it, and it might be the most terrifying thing I’ve ever done. Saying it out loud to the man, I only want to see the best. I’m forced to give him the very, very worst.

The contents of my half-eaten dinner rise in my throat as I shove myself forward and off the cliff. “When my mom died….” I start, trying to focus on his firm grip on my hand. “Being there, seeing it happen, and watching her take her last breath…I started to shut down. For a while, I just…I tried to go on like nothing had changed even though everything had. She was gone. Dad was gone all the time. I kept dancing, but she wasn’t there. She was supposed to be there, you know? But she was just gone, and everything else was the same.”

He adjusts his hold on my sweaty hand but doesn’t let go. I stare at the security and safety of our linked hands, hoping that after I tell him this, he’ll still be here.

“The older I got, the more angry I became. I just wanted something, anything, to feel normal. I wanted a normal dad who worked a regular job and was home every night. I wanted to dance and not feel guilty every time I put my ballet shoes on, to not wonder every day why I was still here and she wasn’t. I wanted to go to bed and not watch her die all over again every single night. I hadn’t slept for years, and I was so tired.”

I rest my head on his shoulder, our hands still linked. He hasn’t let go yet. “I spent a couple years in therapy, but I even got tired of them telling me that grief takes time. Time wasn’t making anything better. Talking didn’t make anything better. Nothing did, so I just…stopped. I quit talking, quit trying at school, quit dancing. I stopped living. All I could do was lay in bed wanting her back, and when I tried to accept that she wasn’t coming back, I just wanted to disappear.”

I clear my throat, needing the large painful lump to lessen if I’m going to make it. “The summer before I got into Juilliard, Cliff and Joan offered to have me come stay with them. My dad agreed even though they didn’t have the best relationship. He thought the change might be good for me, and by that point, I needed something different. Anything. I couldn’t live trying to pretend everything was fine anymore when life was somehow moving on without me. So I went.”

“At first, they were nice. They didn’t have any children and treated me like I was their own. I went shopping with Joan and attended big fancy parties. They’d introduce me to their friends and kids and encouraged me to get to know them. I dressed the part and played along…enough.”

“I went from one world where I didn’t feel like I could go on to another that had me flitting around like some made-up princess, but it was different, and I didn’t have to pretend. I still didn’t talk unless I had to and wasn’t interested in making friends with these spoiled rich kids, but it was all a decent distraction. Then, I heard Cliff on the phone with my dad, telling him something was wrong with me and how he hadn’t gotten me the help I needed. I didn’t care. I was away from everything that constantly reminded me of all that was missing.”

I peek at Shane from the corner of my eye, and he’s staring at our joined hands, listening.

“Eventually, Joan wanted me to do the southern debutante thing like all their friends' daughters did. The ballgowns, the coming out, date one of their chosen guys. The more she and Cliff pushed, the more I started to feel the walls closing in all over again. I felt like I was suffocating from the inside out. The dresses alone were torture. I couldn’t do it.”

“That kind of thing still exists?” Shane’s voice is low yet soft.

I nod. “Yeah. It’s weird, but in their circle, it’s what girls do, but I couldn’t. Their disappointment was made clear, but I just couldn’t do it. They wanted me to be something they’d never have otherwise. It was important to them. As time went on, I remember I started to feel different. Lighter. It was like the pain and grief suddenly didn’t feel so heavy. Instead, I didn’t feel anything. I started talking to one of their friend's sons, who’d been paying attention to me. He was older and cute and seemed to cut through the crap so many others existed on. He pushed me out of my comfort zone, and I went along.”

Sweat pools in my armpits with remembrance as a chill rolls through me. “I spent weeks walking around like I was floating on a cloud. I didn’t know what was happening, but it was a relief to feel nothing. I quit eating. When I was hungry, I kind of liked the feeling. It was something I could feel. Talking became secondary again except to Jared, but he wasn’t really interested in talking either.”

I can feel Shane’s eyes on me now, and I want to hide. I close my eyes, not able to look at him. “But one night, I laid in bed feeling light, like I could float away. I was literally numb, and it scared me. All that time, the pain, the hurt, the nightmares, and then just…nothing. Cliff and Joan threw this huge Fourth of July party. I found Jared and stole a drink from the bar. I remember looking at it and wondering what it would feel like, wanting to feel a buzz or…something. I drank it, then another, and pulled him inside.”

“Maggie,” Shane says so quietly like he knows where this is going.

He goes rigid next to me, and I hold my hand up to stop him. “I knew what I was doing. Well, I thought I did. I was young and dumb and so not ok. I thought it would break through the numbness. I took him to my room, and…I’d not done that before. It wasn’t what it should have been. He wasn’t…gentle.”

The sting of humiliation ricochets through my entire body, lighting a fire along its path, and suddenly, I need space. I drop his hand and scoot away from him just a bit, my heart pumping fast. Of all people, this is not what I want Shane to think about when he looks at me. The thought stirs my stomach.

I force the bile in my throat down and push myself to continue. “I laid there afterward just staring at the ceiling, my world spinning, and he went to sleep, likely drunk. Sometime after, Joan came in and found us. She freaked out, saying she should have known I’d get myself into trouble. Jared left, and she locked me in the room. It was the first time I’d cried in years. All I wanted to do was call my dad. I just wanted him to come get me and take me home.

“I don’t know how long I was in there before she brought me food, but I was too sore and weak and severely hungover to eat anything. I hadn’t even showered, but she left the door open, and I crawled to find my phone. I called my dad, crying, and it was like I fell asleep, and then he was there.”

“I remember him scooping me up, carrying me out, yelling. I’d never heard him like that, and it scared me. He took me straight to the hospital. That’s what’s in there.” I point to the envelope. “The report and pictures. I’d lost a lot of weight, which I didn’t have to lose. I had bruises, and…they found narcotics in my system.”

“What?” Shane says so low it’s almost a growl.

All the tears I’ve swallowed down pool in my eyes, quickly spilling over. “I never took anything. I promise.”

“Maggie. They drugged you? Those pieces of….” He clenches his fists and then releases them.

A cool rush of shock rolls over me that he doesn’t assume I’d been using. “Yes. I’m not sure how. Maybe the food or in my drinks. I’m not sure even why they did it other than if they could get me to submit, to change, and follow their lead, they could get me to be what they wanted. They could brainwash me to fit into their ideals. I’d be the daughter they never had. I think maybe in some sick way they thought they could use the fact that I was Tim Matthews' daughter to gain even more connections and status.”

I shake my head, panic filling what’s left of my mental capacity. “I don’t know, but Shane, all this is my word against theirs. I don’t have any proof. All I have is these pictures and the report to show what happened while I was in their care. My dad pulled everything together. He wanted to press charges against them, but I begged him not to. I just wanted it to be over. I was so ashamed and embarrassed.”

Shane grabs my face and holds it in his hands, forcing me to meet his determined eyes. “You have nothing to be ashamed of. Do you hear me?” His eyes are dark and so intense more tears escape. “You were just a kid, and they took advantage of your….” His jaw flexes. “You were grieving, and they used that. They hurt you. They drugged you. Maggie, you didn’t do anything wrong, but try to keep living when you didn’t want to.”

My body lets go, and I fall into sobs. I was trying to keep my head above the water when all I wanted was to drown. To be with my mom again.

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