Page 12 of The Stars Over Hollywood

Tracy nodded, not entirely convinced, but she didn’t know Hayden well enough to push her. “Okay, well, you can talk to me if you’d like to. Now or when we’re back home.”

“Thanks.” Hayden’s index finger tapped the railing impatiently before taking a deep breath. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.” Tracy waited for Hayden to continue, her heart beating a little faster, because she had no idea what Hayden wanted to ask her.

“When did you know you were gay?”

Tracy’s mouth fell open. That was not what she’d been expecting. If she’d had to guess, she would have said that Hayden wanted to ask her for acting advice or find out what happened with her own career. But this? This was out of left field.

“Eighth grade,” Tracy said as she got over the shock of Hayden’s question. “It took me until maybe March or April to realize it, but I had a massive crush on my Spanish teacher.”

Hayden’s lips slid into a grin. “So, that’s why you’re so good at Spanish.”

Tracy returned her smile. “Looking back, I have no idea why it wasn’t better. I think I was too focused on her and not on what she was saying. I had it so bad,” she said with a laugh. “It took me months to realize why I wanted to impress her so much or why bumping into her unexpectedly in the hallway gave my mood such a boost.”

“Wow. So you were really young.”

Tracy shrugged. “Yeah. I guess. Things weren’t as easy back then. I didn’t officially come out to my friends until I was in my early twenties.”

“When you’d left acting?”

Tracy pursed her lips. That was her own fault for getting into her career. “Yeah.”

Hayden shook her head. “Did you have any idea that Charlotte or Ada or Kerri were queer too?”

Tracy opened and closed her mouth, her mind temporarily short-circuited by a word that for so long had been a slur. “Kerri had told us. But Ada or Charlotte? I had no idea. Looking back, I think that’s why we got along so well, why there was this bond between us.”

“Is that why you quit acting?”

Tracy bit the inside of her cheek. “It’s kind of related but not really.”

Hayden searched her eyes. “I feel like I shouldn’t ask you what you mean by that.”

Tracy looked away, the water shimmering beneath the moonlight. “It was a strange time in my life.” Even all these years later, her heart raced thinking about those few months.

“Okay. I’ll say the same thing to you.” Hayden turned to face her. “You can talk to me if you want to. Now. When we get back home.”

Tracy ran a hand through her hair. “I had an affair with one of the producers on the show.” She had a sense that if she opened up to Hayden, then maybe, with time, Hayden would feel like she could tell her whatever was on her mind. “I was head over heels. For the first time, really. I wouldn’t count that crush on my Spanish teacher as anything serious. This was my first relationship with someone, and it shouldn’t have happened.”

“Because you were working together?”

Tracy nodded. “She was in a position of power. She was twelve years older than me. And she was married. To a man.”

“Oh shit.”

“Yeah.” Tracy let out a heavy sigh. “It just kind of happened. I couldn’t even say who pursued who. But it was thrilling. Heartbreaking. Every kind of emotion. And I somehow thought we were going to end up together. That all the sneaking around we did wouldn’t last for long.”

“She was going to leave her husband?”

“That’s what she told me,” Tracy said, hearing the sadness in her own voice all these years later. “Maybe I was naive to believe her, but it never happened. Her husband found out about us and threatened to out her to her boss.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah. And somewhat understandably, she chose her career over me.” Saying it all these years later still stung, but she had to believe that she was better off. “I was devastated. The show ended, for other reasons, but I don’t know how I would have come back the following season with her still there.”

Hayden’s eyes never left hers, waiting for her to continue.

“I took a few weeks off, auditioned for other roles, and I did have some small parts here and there, but my heart wasn’t in it anymore. I drank way too much. I was famous then, easily recognizable. So, I went out. A lot. Got great seats at games. But anytime I thought about getting caught up in acting again, I could never allow myself to let go. Not fully. And that made for some pretty shitty performances. Add to it that I was constantly hungover.” Tracy shrugged. “So, I quit acting.”

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