Page 62 of A Lesson In Beginning

“What would you add to the play you engaged in last night?”

“I suppose more for him. It felt awfully one-sided. I am worried he will end up feeling resentful because he is getting nothing from our play in return.”

“Oh, that’s a damn lie. Joel is a pleasure Dom. I can guarantee you, without a shadow of a doubt, he enjoyed himself immensely. That being said, you should talk to him about what you are feeling. There are ways to combat those voices that pop up after a scene.”

“Like what?”

“Like adding it to your aftercare. I have the same issue, so after Levi and I finish a scene, once I’ve come back to Earth a little, we discuss it. Things we liked. Things we didn’t like. Sometimes, things we want to add or change or subtract. It’s a great way to suppress those feelings of rejection.”

“I hadn’t ever considered that. We simply cuddled for a little while and then left.” I felt my spine stiffen as I recalled our aftercare and the moments after it.

“What just happened?”

“What do you mean?”

“Your entire demeanor just changed. What happened in aftercare that has you feeling that way?”

“It wasn’t the aftercare. It was what happened after it.”

“Will you tell me about it?” She reached across the bed, her hand covering mine, offering me both strength and comfort.

“After we finished, we picked up and cleaned the room, as directed. Then we left and walked through the club. He led me up to the offices, where we met up with Talia and Zeke.”

“Did something happen?”

“Not exactly.”

“I’m here and listening.”

“It was walking through the crowd of people. From the moment we left that room, I felt like I was on display, being paraded through hoards of people who all knew exactly what had just happened. It felt like —” I cut off abruptly, a shiver of fear and nausea rushing through my body.

“Oh, Adah. It felt like that night all over again. Your wedding night.” While there was pity in her voice, it was the commiseration that I latched onto. My eyes found hers, both glassy with unshed tears as we each relived that terrorizing experience in a moment of shared trauma.

“I hadn’t realized that’s what was happening, but… yes.”

“Have you ever talked about it? To anyone?” Her hand squeezed mine gently. I realized at that moment that I hadn’t. I had not spoken to a single soul in this world about that night.

“No. Never. Well, I suppose I tried to talk to Josiah about it in the first days of our honeymoon, but he squashed that quickly.”

“Even Josiah wouldn’t talk to you about it? Adah, that’s horrific. It was a brutal thing for any of us to go through.”

“It was, wasn’t it? To be on display, and forced to go through… that. I hadn’t given much thought to it in these last years. I suppose I wrote it off as the way things were done. It was simply what was expected of a godly wife. So I did what was necessary and never spoke of it again.”

“But walking through the crowd last night must have brought it all back up to the surface.”

“Why did that happen?”

“Because trauma is a fickle and sadistic bitch. It will creep up at the most ridiculous of times, and it’s sickening when it happens.”

“You’ve had it happen? But you and Levi talked so much about your trauma.”

“Did you think that it just went away?” She laughed gently. “I wish that were true. Unfortunately, it’s not. It’s like grief, and in a way, I suppose it’s perhaps even a grief of its own. We all still have our own issues. Panic attacks, nightmares; you name it, we deal with it. But you aren’t alone.”

“How do I get rid of it? How do I find a way to be okay with it?”

“I’m not sure it ever goes away, exactly. But the first thing is to talk about it. Realize you are not alone. This is an experience that you were completely alone in before. But you’re not alone anymore. Any of us — and I know I speak for the lot of us — any of us will be there for you. I promise. Outside of that, maybe talk to Joel about having the scene somewhere else. You could do them here? We have the dungeon in the basement you two could use. It’s soundproof, so you wouldn’t need to worry about the children, even.”

“I’m not sure I could use the space that you and Levi use for your home dungeon as a play space for me. Not that I’m ungrateful for the offer, of course.”

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