Page 51 of A Lesson In Beginning

“Hello!” Talia called back to her, waving politely. The woman carried a toddler, who was fighting tooth and nail to be let down and let loose to play. Her face scrunched up in utter dissatisfaction at her current predicament.

“Would you mind if my daughter played with your children?” Immediately, we agreed. The woman set her daughter down on the blanket a short distance from where we sat. There was a single moment of awkwardness between the children, then Violet offered her toy to the little girl, and all was well.

“I’m Natalie, and that’s my daughter, Sophie.” Introductions were quickly made as Natalie made herself comfortable at the bench that sat perpendicular to ours and struck up a conversation. I had never been in favor of small talk, and was happy to let Talia and Ruth lead the discussion with the stranger. I kept my eyes on the kids, to make sure that everyone was getting along with the fresh addition to the group. Thankfully, they seemed to have accepted her into their little bevy without a single qualm.

“How old is your little one?” Ruth asked politely after the kids had been playing for a few minutes.

“She just turned two. God help me, right?” I turned my gaze away from the playing children, trying to take measure of the woman.

“They can certainly be a handful sometimes.” Talia responded with a chuckle. “But they’re also such a delight, especially when they get sleepy and just want to cuddle.”

“Boy, what’s that like?” The woman responded petulantly. “Children are just such a hassle at this stage. Not sure why I decided that having another baby was a good choice. My son is in first grade this year, and at summer school right now, thank God. Otherwise I’d be driven to drink with all the chaos that ensues with two underfoot. Am I right?” She tipped her head back with a lilting laugh.

Anger and resentment bubbled up under my skin, rippling along my body. I did my best to keep my mouth shut, truly I did. But best laid plans…

“No.”

“Excuse me?” Natalie’s laughter stopped short at my curt comment, not that I cared a lick.

“I said, no. You asked if you were right. You are not right.”

“Uh… excuse me?” She laughed awkwardly, looking at Talia and Ruth, who both sat quietly.

“Children are a gift. A gift from God. How dare you talk about your precious daughter like she’s nothing more than a burden — no! A mistake that you made. You do realize that they can hear you at this age, don’t you? Surely you aren’t dumb enough to think that small children are unaware of their surroundings and the attitudes in which adults regard them. You should thank your lucky stars that you have not one, but two beautiful children to love and adore. I’m sure they love and adore you. Honestly, I feel sorry that they are stuck with a mother who is selfish enough to only think of herself not only in general, but particularly in front of them. It’s disgusting. If you didn’t want children, maybe you should have kept your legs closed.”

“Adah.” Ruth’s gentle warning went unheeded as I glared at the pitiful excuse of a mother.

“How fucking dare you!?” Her shrill screeching didn’t bother me, but her choice of words flared my anger into outright rage.

“There are children not ten feet from you. Watch your language, or take your daughter elsewhere.” If looks could kill, we would have murdered each other in a heartbeat.

“Oh, you better believe I’ll be taking my daughter elsewhere, you self-righteous, pious bitch!” She scoffed, her hands clenched tightly as she grabbed her diaper bag, then her daughter, and promptly stomped her way back to the parking lot.

“Adah, that was not okay.” Ruth’s voice was calm, but her scolding was not lost on me. Not entirely, at least.

“I know, right? How dare she go off on her children, mere feet from where her daughter was playing?! Children have an intuition. They know when they are being talked about. They can pick up on attitudes and demeanors far more than people realize. But to be so callous about —”

“Adah, I mean you. You were not okay.” Ruth’s correction stopped me short.

“You think I was in the wrong?” I was shocked; appalled. “You can’t possibly think that she was right to say those things, Ruth.”

“It’s not about whether or not she was right, Adah.” Talia’s soft, kind voice chimed in, coming to Ruth’s defense, much to my astonishment. “It’s not okay to berate someone you don’t even know. All mothers have moments where they just feel fed up. I’m certain you’ve felt that very same thing before.”

“Yes, of course. But I would never say such things aloud, let alone where my child could hear me.”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s not your situation. It’s not your child.”

“You’re both wrong. She needed to be taught a lesson. She needed to be forced to see the error of her ways. She doesn’t know how lucky she is to have two children that are safe and healthy and —” I cut off abruptly, unwilling to say the ugly truth that lingered just on the tip of my tongue.

“And what?” Talia gently urged me to continue, but I was incensed, my indignation written on my face as easily as words on a page. Ruth’s hand covered mine, but I wanted nothing of her comfort.

“No, don’t try to comfort me while you sit there and judge me.” I spat the words, standing from the bench seat and crossing my arms over my chest angrily.

“I’m not judging you, Adah. But you did judge that woman, and quite harshly. Regardless of your opinion, it did not need to be stated, especially like that. It’s unkind.”

“What’s unkind is her attitude towards her children! And how can you sit here and say that my words to her were unkind? Educating her was the kind and godly thing to do. It’s what any good —” Again, my words abruptly halted a fraction of a second before I finished them. In an instant, I realized what I was about to say. “Like any good woman of Zion would do.” My words to her had been cynical at best, though I had only thought to teach her the error of her ways. Just as every woman had done to me from the day I was born. I had ministered to her as we were taught as women.

And those teachings were wrong. They had only ever made me feel judged and scrutinized. I had parented my own children as though I were held under a magnifying glass out in the sun. Their scrutiny was amplified a thousandfold, until I felt I was burning under the expectations thrust upon me.

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