Page 98 of A Lesson In Beginning

“You can do this. I promise, you can. He’s locked safely away, behind bars. He cannot come after you. And why do you think he would?”

“Because I testified against him. I didn’t even realize that’s what I was doing, but I did. My testimony helped to lock him away.” That truth had never been uttered from my lips, not to another soul. The intense weight of the truth I had shoved down deep inside of me could no longer be ignored.

“Oh, Adah. It’ll be okay. I promise. Levi can help. He can call the lawyer, and we can file a restraining order against him. We can do it now, so that it’s in place should he ever even be granted parole, not that I think that’s likely.”

“No, Ruth! You don’t get it!”

“Then tell me.”

“I’m tired!!”

“I know you are, but this is important.”

“You don’t get it, Ruth. You never have. I’m not just tired. This? This goes beyond tiredness, beyond exhaustion. Hell, it goes beyond anything words can describe.” My voice cracked around a sob lodged deep in my throat, but even that painful emotion could not deter the words that would no longer stay silent.

“I don’t sleep. Did you know that?” I scoffed, wiping my nose on my sleeve grossly and not even caring. She simply shook her head. “I doubted you did. No, I don’t sleep. Not in how most people understand sleep, anyway. There is no putting my head on the pillow at night and closing my eyes until sleep claims me, a happy little smile on my face as I get rested to face the new day. Because I can’t. I CAN’T, Ruth.” My chest ached as the words continued pouring out of my mouth, impossible to stop.

“I can’t rest. Because if I rest, who will take care of him? Who will make sure that Samuel is alright? I used to sleep, you know? A long, long time ago I would sleep, and even though it wasn’t good sleep, I did at least sleep, more like a person normally does. Sure, it was full of tossing and turning, but it was at least an occasional reprieve. Because I would dream. I would dream and just… just for a split second, I could breathe. Because as I lay there sleeping, it wasn’t nightmares that invaded my mind. No, I lived the nightmare.” Tears streamed down my face, my throat raw from it all.

“And I know you did, too, Ruth. We all did. But it was… It was different for me. You had Levi. All of you and your sisters-in-law had your husbands. But do you know what? Your husbands aren’t like mine. Levi is nothing like Josiah. Even back when I didn’t know the truth, the fucking Temples were put on a pedestal. And now, even now, nothing has changed. Not for you.” I scoffed derisively, shaking my head at the absurdity of it all. She simply sat there, letting me pour the words out without interrupting.

“For you, life got better. But for me? For me, I don’t sleep. I don’t sleep because back then, in those days that turned into nightmares, when I would allow myself to sleep… I didn’t notice. I didn’t pay attention. I was sleepwalking through my life, thinking that someone would save me. Some man. First my father. Then my husband. Hell, at times I even thought the Reverend himself would surely come to my aid if I were ever truly in need, right?” Sniffling, I caught my breath again, the words pouring out of me so quickly it stole my breath.

“But that didn’t happen, Ruth. None of it. It was a lie. A lie I had been told by my mother, who had been told by her mother before her, and on and on it went. But it wasn’t mother who started that lie, or her mother before, or her mother before that. It was men. Men lied. Men fed us lies to keep us quiet, to keep us docile, to keep us squarely under the thumb of their control. A lie they told to compel us to submit to their ever-shifting and increasingly violent whims.” Words failed me then, my tears taking over as my chest tightened so painfully I feared it would literally stop my breath. I took a few calming breaths, Ruth’s fingertips once again tapping against my inner wrists. But still, she stayed silent, allowing me to give voice to all the chaos that was swarming through my mind.

“I slept once, Ruth. And do you know what happened when I woke up? My child was taken from me. She was ripped from my very arms, torn away by a social worker — a fucking stranger. I still remember it. I can picture it with such vivid, violent detail that it will live forever, etched in my memory. I will never forget her little body, curled around that social worker, reaching for me. Her arms stretched out to me, reaching so far I thought her fingers would pop clear off. That’s how hard she fought to get back to me. Her eyes, those beautiful brown eyes, were wide with fear. God help me, so much fear it still turns my stomach. She was so scared, and all she wanted in this world was me. Me. Her mama.” Shakily, I covered my mouth with the back of my hand, the urge to scream nearly overwhelming me as I relived that horrific experience anew. I was unsure if I was even breathing at that point, but my breath fanned out against my skin, telling me I was, in fact, still breathing; I was still alive.

“She screamed, Ruth. Did you know that? She screamed for her Mama until her throat was raw, and she was out of my sight. Until they walked her down that hall; down that long, long hall. Around the corner, and further away from me. I couldn’t see her. I couldn’t see those dark, gold kissed curls, or those beautiful deep eyes. I couldn’t see that sweet smile, with those little dimples that appeared even when she barely grinned. But I could hear her. I could FUCKING hear her, Ruth. She screamed, and I hit the floor. My hand stretched out, just wanting to… Christ, I don’t even know. I just wanted her to know she was okay. That it was going to be okay. That I wasn’t giving up on her. That I loved her. Because I did. I do. I always will.” Sobs racked my body, my chest aching with the violence of a parent losing a child.

“You know, her family didn’t deserve this. Her birth parents? The ones Josiah stole her from all those years ago? I know that. I’m not stupid. Of course I know that. But while I feel for them, while I pray for their healing, while I know it was the right thing to do, to give her back… All I can do is hate the men in this world, in the world of Zion, who brought down this pain; this horrific, terrible, life-ending pain. Not on me. No, I don’t care about me. But on her. On my sweet daughter. She was barely three years old, Ruth. The same age Samuel is now, and Christ —” Hiccuping back a sob, I forced myself to continue, to say the words that had violently and brutally tore my heart to pieces these last years.

“What was I supposed to do? I am her mother!! And I couldn’t help her. I couldn’t hold her and let her know it was okay. I couldn’t soothe her tears and remind her I would always love her, but that she had parents who loved her first, and it was time for her to go home. I could have said that, you know. I could have helped her. But they wouldn’t let me. Because I wasn’t her mother in the eyes of the law. No, I was Adah Price, wife of the evil kidnapper and abuser Josiah Price.” My sobs, my yelling words, finally slowed, my breathing returning to something that at least resembled normalcy.

“I haven’t slept, Ruth. I haven’t slept, because I can’t. Because if I stop putting one foot in front of the other, if I stop fighting for even one breath of space, I will lose it all. I’ll lose Samuel, too. So I don’t sleep. I don’t sleep the way you sleep. I keep pushing, keep fighting, until my body forces my eyes to close, and forces me to surrender to just enough sleep to survive on.” Sniffling again, I reached for the box of tissues on the bedside table, blowing my nose noisily and not caring for a single moment how unladylike I may have sounded.

“So, while that may be sleep, while I may have technical experience of sleep, I have lost the knowledge of how to rest. Of how to heal. Of how to recuperate. Because that is not what life grants women like me. Not for Adah Price. I don’t get to rest. I get to do nothing but survive. And survive I have, God dammit. Because I cannot lose Samuel, too.”

And it was done. All the words left me, finally having been given a voice. I didn’t have any tears left to cry. My eyes, swollen, puffy, and red, burned with the tears that had been shed. Tears that had been held back for so long, I had been unsure if they ever would be shed. But they had been. And now I sat there, feeling more empty and alone than ever.

“Adah, I had no idea.” I looked at her finally, the pain and despair written in her brown eyes so plainly that they could have broken me anew. But I was past that now. I was already broken.

“No one did. Why would they?” I brushed it off, but Ruth was not having that. Her hands found mine, squeezing them within her grasp.

“It’s time to take your life back, Adah. You are strong, and powerful, and so incredibly brave. Please, let us help you file the restraining order. Let us help you close that chapter of your life once and for all. As much as you can, anyway.” With all the fight knocked out of me, I was finally able to hear the sense in her words. I nodded, fearing I had no voice left to speak.

“Good. We’ll talk with Levi in just a bit, and I’ll have him call our lawyer. Thank you for opening up to me; for sharing your truth. Just know you are not alone. And you never will be again. We have you. Both you and Samuel. And we love you.”

“Thank you.” I barely mouthed the words, my throat raw and stinging with pain.

She left the room, leaving me to my thoughts, not that I had many. I laid down on the bed, shoving the suitcase aside just enough that I could find a moment of rest. The only thought that lingered was that, as much as I valued the support she and Levi had given me, it was Joel who I wanted to talk to. It was Joel who I wanted to spill my secrets to.

Without the tightly held armor I had clung to all these years, the truth was written plain as day to see, no longer hidden. Joel was the person I longed to turn to. Not because he had agreed to be my Dominant, should I wish it. But because I had fallen for him. Head over heels, I had fallen for him.

Now, I just had to tell him.

But that was a problem for tomorrow.

Today, all I needed was sleep.

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