Page 97 of A Lesson In Beginning

I barely heard Ruth’s voice calling for me from below.

My bedroom door crashed open, the doorknob likely putting a hole in the wall from just how hard I had pushed it open. But I could not think about that right now.

“Where is my suitcase?” I mumbled to myself. I fell to my knees, reaching beneath the bed to pull it out. Throwing it onto the bed and opening it quickly, I ran to the closet, pulling everything I could fit in my arms out, hangars and all.

I shoved them into the suitcase, quickly pulling the hangars away from the clothing, my mind spinning with what else I needed to grab.

Clothing. Samuel’s things. The small amount of personal belongings I had. Samuel’s toys. Well, some of them at least. They wouldn’t all fit in our bags, and we needed to pack light. He would be heartbroken at losing toys, but in time, he would understand what I had to do.

I turned, ready to race to Samuel’s room where he was peacefully napping, and collided straight into Ruth.

“Adah!” Her arms grabbed hold of my upper arms with a tight grip, forcing me to look at her, to acknowledge her presence.

“Out of my way, Ruth. I need to pack.” I tried to pull away from her, but she only dug her fingers into my skin harder.

“No! Stop! Look at me. Listen to me.”

“I can’t!”

“What are you doing?” She literally shook me, but I did not have time. There was no time. No fucking time.

“I have to pack! Let me go!” Tearing myself from her grip, I tried to push past her, but even though she seemed tiny in stature, the woman was strong. She blocked me, nearly shoving me back onto the bed.

“NO! What is going on? What did that letter say?”

“Please, Ruth! I have to protect Samuel. Please. I can’t lose another child, I ca —” Sobs tore from my throat, stealing my ability to speak. My entire body clenched into one tight ball, fear overwhelming me.

I couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. Not of anything, except getting my son and me as far away from here as possible.

“Adah!” Her hands cupped my face, nearly screaming at me in an attempt to break through.

“He found us, Ruth!” I spat back in her face, the very act of saying the words ripping my throat apart with pain.

“He is in prison, Adah. He can’t get to you. You are both safe. You are safe!”

“We will never be safe from him. I cannot lose Samuel. I can’t, Ruth. I —” My throat threatened to close on me, so tightly had emotion dug its claws into me.

“Adah, he is safely locked away. He isn’t even eligible for bail for another ten years. Ten. He literally cannot get to you.”

Slowly, her words slid through my terror, though calm was far from possible at that moment. I sat there on the bed, tears pouring down my cheeks. She crouched down in front of me, taking long, slow breaths.

“Match my breathing, hun. Nice and slow.”

My eyes found hers, my breaths still gasping and quick as I tried to slow them down to her pace.

Her hands took my wrists, the crumpled letter falling to the floor as she tapped lightly against my inner wrists with her fingertips. Then on my shoulders. Then my collar bone. Even up to my face, where she tapped lightly against my cheekbones.

“It’s a technique to calm a panic attack.” I nodded, breathing still the most difficult thing in the world to me.

“I feel like I can’t breathe.” I barely whispered the words.

“I know.”

Finally, after a few more minutes, I was able to take a solid breath. I thought it would help. But it didn’t. I felt the wave of emotion swell inside of me, crashing to the surface as sobs ripped from me, unimpeded by the panic that had consumed me.

“Talk to me, hun. What’s going on?”

“I’m just so… tired. I can’t do this.”

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