Page 56 of Reclaimed

“I spoke to Mark earlier.” He lifted his eyes to meet mine. I waited for him to elaborate but he seemed to be trying to draw me in.

“About what?”

“He wanted to see if you were okay. You seem to have made quite the impression on him.” I’d forgotten about the moment in the kitchen with Mark. Surely, he wouldn’t have mentioned it to Ray? My heart quickened, but I didn’t break eye contact. I was tired of being the victim, of having to spiral into acute terror every time a word or action of mine might have displeased Ray.

“I’m sure he was just being polite. I don’t think anything makes much of an impression on Mark.” I resumed eating, trying to look casual.

“What makes you say that?”

“I just mean… he doesn’t give much away.”

“No, I suppose not. But I’ve known him a long time. He liked you.”

“Really? Half the time I thought he couldn’t stand me.”

“And the other half of the time?”

“Well, I… I don’t know.”

“He didn’t show any signs of wanting you?” I wasn’t sure who was going to be in more trouble if Ray got the truth out of me – me or Mark. Or maybe Ray knew already and was testing me. It seemed odd, having just convinced me to spend time with him again, to then become so possessive. “Well, what about you? How did you feel about him?”

I shrugged and pushed food around my plate.

“I thought he was kind sometimes, I guess.”

“You can tell me the truth; I won’t be angry.”

“There’s nothing to tell.”

“Callie, give me some credit. I know you didn’t sleep together, but I know something happened between you two. It’s okay – I want you to like him.”

I watched again in my mind’s eye as Mark passed Ray the cane, his eyes unashamedly fixed on mine.

“I don’t.”

“But you did feel something. At the time. Both of you.” Ray didn’t look angry, merely curious. For all I knew, Mark had already given the game away.

“I… we… I don’t know. Sometimes he seemed interested, and sometimes he seemed disgusted. At one point he… it seemed like he was making a move. But I… we stopped things.”

“Why would he be disgusted?” It was reassuring that he was choosing to focus on that part of my admission rather than the details of what had happened between us.

“I don’t know. Because of how we live. He kept asking me questions – about you, about the punishments, about our… dynamic. It seemed like he disapproved, but then I guess he can’t have done, because he didn’t seem to want to do anything about it.”

“I don’t think what you saw was disapproval. I think it was fascination.”

“With me?”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not doing anything fascinating here; I’m just doing what I’m told.”

“Well, I don’t know if it’s as simple as that. I think you’ve been living in a way you like recently. But Callie, I know you might not see it, but your submission is fascinating.” I rolled my eyes. “It is. I know it comes quite naturally to you, and I know you have mixed feelings about that. But Mark got to see how beautiful and resilient and loyal you are. Most people in your situation would not be coping anything like as well as you are.” I so badly wanted to believe him. The idea that my submission could be a source of pride rather than one of shame seemed too far into the realm of fantasy for me to swallow. “If he seemed ambivalent, it’s because he wanted you and felt bad about it.”

“Because of you?”

“Partly maybe. But you know already how most people feel about this kind of thing. They have all this guilt, this sense that what they want is wrong – they can’t let themselves have what they want, even though they’re enthralled by it. I guess you and Mark have that in common.” If Ray was right, it might make sense of the fluctuations in Mark’s attitudes towards me. I wasn’t sure that I liked the parallel.

“Maybe he’s trying to protect himself.”

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