Page 55 of Reclaimed

“Just come downstairs.”

“Fine. But I don’t want to talk.”

“Okay.” He reached a hand out towards me, and I flinched away, ready to dart back towards the cage if needed.

“Alright.” He raised his hands by his head. “It’s alright; I won’t touch you.”

I allowed Ray to make me some food, I accepted my medicine, and then I left again. I wouldn’t talk to him, and I definitely wouldn’t let him touch me.

*

Those days were some of the worst I spent with Ray. I kept to my room as much as possible, only really going downstairs for meals. Sometimes Ray was cautious with me, and sometimes I could tell he was losing patience. I got some satisfaction out of the fact that he didn’t seem to know what to do with me. He thought he always knew what was best for me, and he prided himself on being in control of the situation, but for once he seemed at a loss. But that wasn’t enough to cut through my growing feeling of despair. After a couple of days, the pain subsided, and Ray stopped needing to give me the medicine, but I was intensely lonely. Having no real conversation and no physical contact meant that I never felt soothed; I was never distracted from reliving the events of that night, from ruminating on what it all meant. I could tell that Ray was starting to get worried. He’d started opening my bedroom door during the night to check on me – sometimes multiple times a night. I always pretended to be asleep.

*

After a couple of weeks of this, Ray told me he was going out again.

“I just need to pick some things up; it should only take a couple of hours. Will you be okay?”

“That depends. Are you going to cane me when you get back?” He looked so wounded by my words that for a second I felt guilty. Then I remembered to feel smug instead. I thought I’d feel relieved, but I found that I felt intensely on edge while Ray was gone, even more so than when he was close. I might not have been speaking to him, but on some level, I was worried that he might not come back.

When he did return, he tried to cheer me up by showing me various things he’d got me – favourite foods, magazines, flowers for my room and several other things that made no difference at all to how I felt about him. He really must have been clutching at straws if we were down to flowers and chocolates. When I refused to thank him or even smile, he looked so dispirited I almost felt sorry for him. Then he turned stern.

“If you won’t talk to me, you can at least listen to what I have to say.”

The determined look on his face told me there was no point trying to walk away, so I stayed seated on my bed. He made as if to sit beside me and I flinched. Clearly hurt, but still wanting to win my trust back, he settled for kneeling on the floor in front of me.

“I know I left at a bad time. Things were going so well, and you were finally happy.” I said nothing and stared down at my lap. “But something came up that I had to deal with, for both our sakes. It took longer than I expected, and it wasn’t safe to get in touch. I’m sorry you were worried.” He paused to see if I was going to speak. I had no words. He wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know. “When I got home, I came to find you straightaway. I didn’t care that waking you was selfish – I needed to see you. And then you weren’t in your room, or anywhere else in the house, and I was going crazy with worry. I didn’t know if you’d left somehow, or if you’d ended up… with Mark.” I knew he was watching my face intently. “When I woke Mark and we discovered you’d gone, I worked out where you must be. Callie”—reliving the moment seemed like it was physically painful for him—“you have to understand. I was certain it was over. I was waiting to hear sirens any second. I thought you were going to be taken away from me all over again. Just when things…” He reached up to take my hands in his, and I was too frozen to fight him. He sighed and lowered his head. I’d never seen him like this. I couldn’t find satisfaction in it, but I also wouldn’t let myself be moved enough to forgive him.

“Where were you?”

He looked up, startled, and then paused, clearly not sure what he should tell me.

“Keeping you here… it’s complicated. People are still looking for you. I have to… lay false trails sometimes.” He watched nervously for my reaction. “I know it sounds… but it’s to keep both of us safe. You know if anyone ever found us, they’d never understand.” I kept silent. It wasn’t that I hadn’t suspected that Ray was having to do such things, but it was still hard to hear out loud. “But there was a complication. You don’t need the details. But I couldn’t come back as quickly as I wanted to. I’m sorry. Mark said you were having a hard time on your own.”

I didn’t elaborate. There was no point denying that I’d missed him. But things weren’t the same now. I didn’t feel the same anymore. I wished he’d never come back.

“Callie, when I saw you with your phone… Surely you understand how that looked? I thought it confirmed my worst fears. If you’d told someone you were with me, if they’d tracked where we were – I needed to know. I wish I hadn’t… but you must understand the urgency…” He trailed off as if it was a question.

I could only shake my head. I understood why he’d been angry, I understood why he’d felt betrayed, but I would never understand how he could do that to me.

“What you felt while I was away – that times a hundred is what I felt when you left me for David, and again when I heard you were engaged. When I saw you holding that phone, I just saw you being taken away from me again. You don’t…” He looked away sharply and took a deep breath. His hands tightened around mine. “I can’t feel that pain again, Callie, I can’t.”

“You don’t get to talk to me about your pain,” I whispered. He was making me feel sorry for him and that wasn’t okay. He had no right to get pity from me. His thumbs started stroking across the backs of my hands.

“I know I hurt you. Badly. I know I lost control after I promised you I wouldn’t. I get why you’re angry. But I need us to get back to where we were. Do you want to live like this, Callie? Because I can’t bear it. I know it’ll take time to get your trust back, but can you at least let me try?”

I didn’t want to live like this. But I knew we couldn’t go back to the way things had been either.

“Fine. You can try. But it won’t work.”

Ray gave a weak smile. “Will you come downstairs with me and help me with dinner?”

“Okay.”

I was too stunned from Ray’s emotional outpourings to have my own thoughts in order, so following Ray’s simple instructions in the kitchen turned out to be a bit of a blessing. Following instructions was what I did best in overwhelm.

Sitting across from Ray while we ate gave me an opportunity to study him. He looked wary, and I realised that, somewhere along the line, I’d ended up with more power to hurt him than he had to hurt me. But then, I supposed he’d hurt me enough already. The way he’d opened up to me upstairs – I’d never seen him like that. I’d seen him express love, and lust, and rage, but never vulnerability. I wished he hadn’t chosen now to let me see that side of him. If he’d shown it to me sooner, maybe I’d never have left. But now I couldn’t help but wonder if he was doing it on purpose – if it was just a manipulation tactic to get me to forgive him. I did pity him. And I didn’t want revenge; I wasn’t angry like that anymore – I just wasn’t prepared to trust him again. I couldn’t do it to myself. Maybe, if I did, we’d be okay for a few days, or even a few weeks, but then something would trigger him again, and we would spend the rest of our lives going around in circles.

---