Page 52 of Reclaimed

“I wish I had,” I said, hoping my words could cause him even a fraction of the pain he’d caused me.

“But you didn’t,” he replied calmly. “Why?”

“I don’t know why.”

He sighed. “Yes, you do.”

“Go away.”

“Clearly, you’re more loyal than I give you credit for.”

“Well, I won’t make that mistake again.”

“You’re hurt right now, but I will earn your trust back.”

“Go away.”

“I’m proud of you.”

“Go away!”

“Let me help you to your room. You can’t be comfy here. Then I’ll leave you alone, okay?”

20

I spent the rest of the night curled up in my old bed in the spare room refusing to talk to Ray. I couldn’t sleep, my own anger at myself preventing any kind of rest. I could have got out. I could have gone back to David, back home. I probably wouldn’t get another chance. This time, I couldn’t blame anyone other than myself. I imagined the police turning up and taking Ray away, but it didn’t give me the satisfaction I’d hoped it would. He deserved prison. I knew that on a rational level. Maybe it was just because of our shared past that I felt uneasy about the thought of doing that to him. I shouldn’t feel guilty about anything after what he’d done to me. And yet I did. Despite being furious with him, I also felt guilty that he thought I’d betrayed him. He thought I’d broken his trust. He must have felt in that moment a lot like how I was feeling now – wounded, and alone. But the difference was that I hadn’t done anything to break his trust – he only thought I had. The reality was that I couldn’t bring myself to do it, even though I should have. For him, the hurt had ended the moment he discovered the truth. Not for me. He had tangibly and irrevocably broken my trust, broken me, and that didn’t end for me just because he’d apologised. My skin still burnt where he’d caned me, and I knew that pain would not be gone anytime soon. I didn’t dare look at myself in the mirror; I knew what I would see would be terrible. The pain at least would be gone in a few days, and the marks, hopefully, in a few weeks, but what would stay with me forever was the way he’d made me feel like a true victim. He’d been violent with me before, but he’d never attacked me. I couldn’t ever feel safe around him again after he’d taken out so much aggression on me.

I couldn’t get comfortable in any position. Any contact on my behind or legs, even just the bedclothes, was agony. Ray came in after a few hours with the next dose of medicine, which finally knocked me out.

*

It was early when I woke, and the return of the pain was immediate. I staggered out of my room to the bathroom. I had to see. I let my nightdress fall to the floor and twisted to look at myself in the mirror. Angry red welts tracked across my behind and legs, and the edges were beginning to tinge purple. One mark at the top of my thigh looked different to the others. He’d broken the skin – only the tiniest bit, but enough to make it bleed. I’d wondered about caning before, and the marks it would leave, but nothing about that sight made me feel good. I started to feel queasy again. I knew there was no way I’d be able to shower so I did my best to wash with a flannel at the sink. I rummaged for antiseptic in the cupboard and did my best to clean up my leg. The glint of my necklace in the mirror caught my eye and I glared at it. I hadn’t taken it off since Ray had placed it around my neck the day he left. I unfastened it and let it fall to the floor. I didn’t bother to move it. Let him see it. I put my nightdress back on and hissed in pain as it touched my skin. There was a gentle knock at the door.

“Callie?”

“What do you want?”

The door opened. I wanted to meet his eyes, to let him see my loathing, but I still couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t bear to look into the eyes of the one who’d done this to me.

“How’re you feeling?” It was a ridiculous question. Anger and frustration and fear and sadness all swelled up to the point that I couldn’t form words. I clamped my jaw shut and just shook my head.

“You’re due more medicine, if you need it.” I gave a small nod. I hated having to depend on him for the pain relief. If I didn’t need it so badly, I would have refused to let him anywhere near me.

“I should also check—”

“No.” That answer was easy enough to give. No way was I letting him see the marks. No way was I letting him that close to me. Never, ever again. Ray sighed heavily, as if I was simply being petulant.

“I need to check in case—”

“I just looked. They’re fine.”

“If the skin got broken—”

“It didn’t.” I knew he’d freak if he knew the truth.

“You’re sure?”

“I think I’d know.”

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