Page 103 of Home Tears

“Julia, you can’t be Erica. You and Jake are you and Jake. It’s not Jake and Erica. It’s not even Jake and me. You’re you. You’re different. Jake’s with you because of you. He asked you to share the rest of your lives together. He loves you.”

She shook her head, whispering, “Not like he loved you. Not like he loved her.” Her hand formed a fist. She pressed it against her chest. “I can’t be either of you two. I just can’t do it.”

“Julia.” That’s what she’d been thinking? All this time? “You’re going to be his wife. You’re going to have his children. What I had with him was in our past. We were children. You’ll have children with him. Don’t you get that?”

Tears fell from Julia, and so did a wall to Dani. She could see her sister in a new way, where she saw the hurts and pains. She saw her vulnerability, too. Dani pulled her sister into her arms. “He loves you, Julia. I know he does.”

“He loves you.”

“He and I were together our entire childhood and through high school. Julia. A person doesn’t stop loving someone when the break-up happens. It takes a long time and I’d hope that Jake would always love me.” She grasped Julia’s face, a hand to both sides, and said fiercely, “But he’s not in love with me. He’s in love with you.”

“He loved Erica.” Julia broke down again. “I can’t be Erica for him and sometimes I think he wants me to be her. I don’t laugh like she does or make the same jokes. I don’t even cook like her. I’m a good cook. Erica was awful, and I feel like Jake wants me to burn the lasagna. I don’t want to burn the lasagna.”

Dani couldn’t contain a laugh. Erica had burned, destroyed, or exploded anything she baked and cooked. Julia had been awarded championships for baked goods eight years in a row. She probably still did.

“You shouldn’t have to burn your lasagna. You have really good lasagna.”

“I do.” Julia’s hands curled into fists with Dani’s shirt. “I felt like I needed to go to confession when I burned the toast.”

“Consider it done.”

Julia broke again. A fresh cascade of tears. “And they had this ritual where Erica would start telling a story and Jake would finish it for her. They spoke their own language, Dani. How can I do that? I have no idea what he’s going to say sometimes. I tried to finish a sentence for him, and I swear, I felt like he hated me in that moment.”

Dani cracked a smile, but soothed, patting Julia’s hair.

“He still loves her.”

“But he’s in love with you. That’s all you need.” Dani felt a headache forming. “Look, you and Jake are going to be fine. I truly think that. And as for this—between you and me—it’s our family’s fault. It’s not ours. We were raised to be like this, and that’s wrong.”

Julia pulled back, giving Dani a blank look.

“I know we’re doing the comforting thing right now, but I’ve no doubt we’ll go back to fighting in a second. It’s engrained in us. I don’t know how to not fight with you now, so you can mock me. You can hate me even, but we’re still sisters.” Dani looked away, watching the water. “I’ll go visit Kathryn tomorrow. Even if she throws me out, I’ll do it.”

Julia sniffled, wiping at a stray tear. “That’s all I wanted.”

“Liar. You want me to apologize. You want me to stay away from Jake. You want me to go see Kathryn. You don’t want me at the house—I can keep going, if you want?”

Julia rolled her eyes. “Now who’s being the dramatic one?” She groaned. “I know that I love you, and I know that we’re sisters, and family stands for something, right? But sometimes, I truly cannot stand you.”

The conversation shifted. Dani couldn’t explain how it did, or articulate how she knew it did, but she felt it in her gut. Julia wasn’t talking about Kathryn, Mae, or Jake. She was talking about the one who used to burn her lasagna.

Dani pulled tight on her blanket, twisting the ends in her hands. “She would’ve still died if I stayed.”

Julia closed her eyes and bent her head.

Dani added, “I don’t think anything would’ve changed if I stayed. I wouldn’t have helped because it’s how our family is. Kathryn’s dying, and Mae won’t go near her sister.”

“She’s a coward.”

“It’s called stupidity, pride, and just too many ghosts and secrets between us. And we don’t even know half of them.” Dani spoke the truth, and felt her knot unwind—just slightly—from its hold deep inside of her. It hurt, but it hurt less.

“It would’ve helped,” Julia spoke up. “If you had been here. It would’ve helped. You could’ve been at the funeral. That would’ve helped. I really wanted you there. Even if we hated each other, I wanted my sister beside me.”

“For what it’s worth, I wish I had known. I would’ve come back.”

“Erica changed a lot.” Julia smiled for the first time and laughed even. “I know that I do stupid things. I clean obsessively, and straighten every pencil in the house, but it’s because I need my world to make sense. I’ve had so much ripped from me. I’m controlling and seeing you making Jake laugh, I can’t control that. I can’t control how much my fiancé still loves you, and I hate that. I hate you, but you’re my sister.” Her voice dropped. She was so quiet now. “But I don’t hate you, and I hate that, too.”

Fuck it.

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