Page 61 of Sean

Julia wanted to ignore her mother’s pessimistic words. She knew her mother meant well, and it was true that no place in Julia’s life had been permanent, but ever since she’d become an adult, that had always been her choice. If she chose to be here on the ranch, would it be possible to stay and make it her home?

As she helped her mother unpack and settle in, Julia kept thinking about Sean and the ranch that she’d come to love. She was comfortable here. More than that, she was happy—or had been until Sean clammed up and went into warrior mode.

But that shift she’d seen in him was temporary. It had to be. After what they’d shared, she couldn’t imagine that it could be anything else.

THIRTY-ONE

Sean scrubbed a hand over his face, trying to erase the barrage of images that wouldn’t let him sleep. Julia was breathing softly next to him, their bodies touching, but despite the comfort of having her close, he couldn’t relax, couldn’t rest. His brain wouldn’t stop flashing through mental pictures like flipping through television channels that only played horror flicks.

He saw his brother’s body, sprawled and lifeless. Sean had been on the other side of the world at the time of JP’s death, so it wasn’t an image he had seen in person, but the full report had included pictures that he’d never be able to unsee. Mixed in with that nightmare were other pictures of scenes he truly had witnessed firsthand. There was the boy who Sean played soccer with outside his base on his last deployment. The boy who had fallen victim to an IED. He’d died in an instant, all while Sean had been standing just yards away, barely grazed by the blast but unable to do anything to save the kid. The panic on his face in those last moments of his life would stay with Sean forever—as would the wails of the boy’s mother when Sean had carried the body to the parents’ home. Images of other soldiers and fellow SEALs he’d seen fall in the line of duty came to him, too.

But the most repeated image—the one that truly held sleep at bay—was one that wasn’t even real. He kept seeing Julia shot through the heart and her lifeless body crumple to the ground. It hadn’t happened. She was next to him, warm and alive. She moved in her sleep just then. As he looked at her, all he could see is what might have been if the bullet’s trajectory had been the tiniest bit different. He stroked her hair, reminding himself that she was still with him, but that didn’t beat back the bone-deep fear he carried around.

Next time, Wilson might be able to pull off a killing shot, and Julia would be dead. He blinked hard, trying to fight the images, but they kept coming until his entire body was tense and his head ached.

He had to get out of this room, get outside, be under the stars where the night air might cool his overactive brain. He slipped out of bed, dressed quickly, and left the room. The house had long since settled down, with all the inhabitants fast asleep, and he knew how to move silently. The only sound was the soft click when he unlocked the door and went outside.

He paced away from the house, going out under the trees where Julia had taken the family photos. In that moment, it had almost seemed like she and the kids were truly a part of his family. At least, it had felt that way to Sean and his family, but Julia had resisted. Had kept her distance. She was the smart one, realizing that getting attached was a bad idea.

He looked up at the velvety night sky and tried to draw in deep breaths. His chest felt tight, constricted. His muscles ached, and he recognized the physical manifestations of the emotional hell he’d experienced in the aftermath of JP’s accident when grief and guilt had nearly overwhelmed him. He never wanted to feel that hurt or sense of helplessness again. He hadn’t been able to prevent what happened to his brother, and he could do nothing to make it easier on his family. Not when he’d been spiraling himself, drowning in a downpour of horrible emotions.

He couldn’t do that again. Wouldn’t do it. Yes, Julia was alive. He didn’t have to mourn her. But the fact that he was on the verge of a panic attack just at the thought of her getting seriously hurt proved that he was in too deep. The loss of her had the potential to wreck him, and he didn’t think he could handle that again. The only way to protect himself was to do what he’d done before—to distance himself from everyone. He’d locked himself away and done what he could to lock up his heart. And now, he needed to do that again.

He wouldn’t abandon Julia, the kids, or her mother while they still needed his protection from Wilson. But the second Wilson was securely behind bars, he was going to go back to his house where he was alone, in control, and not at the mercy of anyone else’s feelings—least of all his own. Distance, physical and emotional, was the only way to go on. Anything else would just hurt too damn much.

“Sean?” Her voice was soft in the darkness.

He spun around. He’d been so absorbed in his own thoughts that he hadn’t heard Julia come up behind him. That was just more proof that this whole situation had him completely messed up. If he was so lost in his feelings that he couldn’t even stay alert enough to be an effective protector, then what good was he? He’d let his guard down, and that couldn’t happen.

“Can’t sleep?” She was less than a foot away and would have touched him if he hadn’t stepped back.

He shook his head, frowning. “Go back to bed. Get some rest.”

“I will if you’ll come with me.” She reached for him again, but he shied away.

He had to avoid contact. If she actually touched him, he didn’t trust himself to resist the comfort that Julia was offering. It was going to take time to get over what having her near had done to him. He needed to start in that moment. Break it off with her. Wipe away all that had happened between them until she no longer hovered at the edges of his thoughts. He needed to shut his feelings off again. Only then would he be safe.

“No. You go in. And you should stay in your room, not mine.” His tone was harsh, and he sensed more than saw her stiffen.

“What’s bothering you? You’ve been acting off since we got back to the ranch.”

How could she even ask that question? Wasn’t it obvious? “You were almost killed today.”

She sighed. “I know, but I wasn’t. It was just a graze. I’ll heal in no time at all.”

“I nearly lost you.” He struggled to get the words past his lips.

“You said that before, and I’m saying again that you didn’t lose me. I’m fine,” she said. “Don’t make a bigger deal out of it than it is. It was scary, but it’s over, and none of it has to change anything between us.”

Sean shook his head. “This has all gotten too messy.” His gut twisted and his lungs got tight, as if his body was actively fighting against what he was saying—but that was just further proof that it needed to be said. That things had already gone too far and that his feelings already ran too deep. “We’ve become too close, and that’s not smart. I shouldn’t have let it happen. The only way to fix this is for us to be done. Whatever’s between us has to be over. Starting now.” He waited for her response, arms crossed over his chest.

“Sean, you can’t mean that,” she said after a beat of shocked silence had passed. “You’re just upset because today was crazy. I’m struggling some, too. In the morning, after we both get some sleep, we’ll talk, and it’ll be—”

“No, you need to hear me. I’ve made up my mind about this, and nothing you say is going to change it. We’re through.” He could hear how harshly the words came out, could see her flinching back from them. God, he was such a jackass. He hated that he was hurting her…but he couldn’t take back the words. They had to be said. Letting their relationship continue held too much potential for heartbreak, and he didn’t think he could survive living through that again. It was better to slice it off now.

“So that’s it?” she asked. “You’ve made your choice, and I don’t get any say in it at all?”

“Yeah, that’s right.” His decision impacted her. He got that. And he was sorry for it. Damn sorry to hurt her. But a relationship took two people, and he refused to be in this one anymore. He couldn’t decide for her, but he could decide for himself, and his decision was made. “I should have stayed in my role as bodyguard. I’m sorry I didn’t.”

---