Page 25 of Leave Me Broken

“You have to forgive yourself in order for anyone else to forgive you, son.”

“I can’t, Mum. You should have seen the look on Payson’s face when Alyssa told her we had been together.”

Most kids would find it awkward discussing this with a parent—it’s not exactly comfortable, but my family has always had open communication. The way families are meant to be.

“It was a surprise, not a great one either. She’s going to be hurt, but if you are hurting because she is hurting, who is meant to help her get better?”

“I don’t know.”

“You do, and it’s you.”

“She doesn’t want to talk to me. I do not need to read minds to know that.” For the first time since meeting Payson, I did not want to read her mind. I’m always curious what runs through her pretty head but not this morning.

“Maybe, maybe not, but you need to. You need to tell her everything, Ashley. You hid being a dad. You hid the situation with Alyssa. She keeps finding out your worse qualities by surprise. If you would show her them before that, it wouldn’t be so catastrophic. Lay it all on the table, Ashley. You want a future with this girl, then invest in her like there’s a future. Protecting her from your mistakes is doing no one any favors, son. Payson has had an image of you in her head since she was young, you sit on a pedestal for her and that is fine, but you need to show her you are human and despite all the mistakes and wrongdoings, it is her you choose.”

I run a hand down my face and scratch at my beard, thinking. I know she’s right. I guess I’ve wanted to protect Payson from the bad parts about me to live up to the unrealistic standard she set for me, but by doing that, I made things way worse because now she thinks I was hiding things for more sinister reasons. Lying about Alyssa makes it seem like there was bloody feelings involved. I want to punch myself.

“You need a haircut,” Mum tells me a minute later.

I grumble an agreement.

Luca walks into the kitchen rubbing his eyes and scratching his groin. I’m thankful he’s in underwear. He went to lie down after we got back but I couldn’t. I had to bring Parker to school, but I stayed outside the school until the first bell rang, hoping I would see Payson and could pull her aside. I didn’t. I saw her nana’s car, but she must have already been in the school. I drove home, worked out, and have been cleaning ever since. That was three hours ago.

Luca walks past me to the sink, grabs a glass I just washed, and eyes my phone. His smile is huge when he sees who I’m talking to.

Luca became instant family the moment I brought him home during break from volleyball. Especially after we found out I knocked up his sister. He didn’t know Parker was mine right away, he didn’t know I had fucked his sister either and was not happy when he found out, but he came around.

I take my earbuds out and disconnect them so he can see and hear my mum squealing.

While he is chatting with Mum, I put dishes away, jumping into the conversation where I feel necessary. After another hour, Mum hangs up because Dad got home and they were going out.

I check my texts hoping to have one from her, but I find one from Parker instead.

Parker: American girls are obsessed with accents, why did you not tell me before? I would have been here ages ago.

Me: Please ace in something other than manipulating girls with your accent.

I chuckle and slide my phone across the counter to Luca. He reads it and laughs loudly. “Like father like son.”

I grip the back of my neck. Those comments make me feel a way I can’t describe. Like it’s impossible for me to believe Parker is like me at all when he didn’t grow up around me.

“He asked if Janelle was single.”

Luca cocks an eyebrow. “I worry Janelle may be too much for my nephew.”

I turn to grab an apple from the counter and snort. “I warned him the second time he brought her up. Seems his mind is made up, though.”

“God speed be with him, then.”

Me: Talk to me, babygirl.

Me: Payson.

Me: spend the night with me tonight.

It’s been an hour since I sent the last text and I’ve lost hope that she will reply. Payson is a lot of things, and stubborn is one of them. It’s a quality I love and hate about her. I love when it’s not directed at me, not in this way anyway. I want her to want me, I want her to need me. I know she does, I just want her to admit it.

I’ve been angry all day, expected a call or visit from the mayor but nothing came. Yet. Something will and I will be ready. Alyssa is a good player but she’s not worth ruining my team over. I got rid of her best friend because I saw the same qualities on day one.

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