Page 24 of Leave Me Broken

When she leans toward me, my spine steels. “Don’t worry, neither was mine.”

Her words are soft but I know our coaches can hear. Luca’s eyes fly open in horror. I gasp and once again cover my mouth, hoping to stop me from saying anything I’ll regret. Ash does nothing. He stands, eyes on me, completely frozen and not giving anything away.

Well, not—not anything because if it wasn’t true, Luca wouldn’t look so guilty, meaning he knew. If it wasn’t true, Ash would be up in arms throwing her out of the gym or off the team altogether, but he’s not. He might as well be a fucking statue.

Disgust rips through me like a knife. It’s serrated and leaves my broken pieces in shambles. I wonder if they can be put back together or if this is it. If there is one thing about Ash Pearson, when he cuts me, he cuts deep.

8

Payson

Lies. Always more lies. I wonder if anyone ever tells the truth.

Yeah, kids, Santa is real.

Leave your tooth under your pillow and the tooth fairy will bring you money.

No, Mom, I didn’t sneak out last night.

Yeah, this is my first time too.

No, Officer, I was wearing my seatbelt the whole time.

I’ll always be here for you, P.

No, I’m not doing the same thing with Alyssa as I am you.

I love you so fucking much, Jailbird.

Lies. Bullshit fucking lies.

Pain is temporary.

I laugh because I’m just as bad as everyone else. Cutting my arm hurts but it’s just enough pain to distract from the ache in my heart.

Pain is not temporary. It makes you think it is but it’s always there, living in the shadows, waiting to strike when you are at your best. Always there, reminding you that everything is a fucking lie.

9

Ash

Hurt. Anger. Horror. Jealousy. Distrust. Loss of respect.

That’s everything I saw in Payson’s eyes when Alyssa dropped the bomb. I knew it was coming. I knew what Alyssa was working up to and yet, I let it happen. I told myself I wanted to be the one to tell her so I could beg her to hear me out, but I just stood there like a bloody waste of space and watched the girl I love be ripped apart by past mistakes. Maybe deep down I wanted Alyssa to tell her because I knew I couldn’t. Opening wounds we just patched pulls us backward, and all I want to do is move forward.

The girls have long gone to class, and I’ve dropped Parker off for his first day, wishing him a good one and hoping he believed my fake smile.

I’m pissed. Pissed at Alyssa and pissed at Jason for taking me to a fucking strip club in the first place. Pissed at the bartender and waitresses who kept bringing me alcohol and pissed at myself for allowing everything to happen.

It’s my fault Alyssa is out for Payson. She’s still pissed about this summer. I thought we moved on after the last time. I thought it was over, sure she made comments and hung on me but I knew it was petty and her attempt to tease Payson. Alyssa has known since the beginning it was never her and never going to be her.

It’s my fault I didn’t say no to Jason. I wanted him to like me for some fucking reason I can’t remember now that my fist connected with his jaw for offending my girl the very next night. It’s my fault I kept ordering drinks. I thought it would help ease my mind. I was so nervous about slipping up and spilling everything to her brother that I drowned myself, hoping it would stop the bad choices.

It didn’t and I made an even worse one. It was stupid to ever think a bloody stripper could make me forget my Jailbird when nothing else has. Of course that stripper had to be Alyssa’s sister. Talk about adding a cherry to this fucked-up cake.

My phone ringing cuts the music in my ears. I think of ignoring it but it’s my mum, and I know she is calling to check in on Parker. I push everything aside in hopes I can have a normal conversation with my mum.

My mum is like a bloodhound when it comes to her kids being upset, and an hour later, she’s nearly got me in tears. I’m not a bitch, but I’m fucking lucky to have the mum I do. I’ve seen shitty mums in my lifetime. Payson’s is a perfect example.

---