Page 72 of When Cardinals Appear

Dr. Brooks handed me a box of tissues. “As I said during our first session, we often need closure from ourselves. But there’s nothing stopping you from telling her now.”

“Except that she’s dead.” I stared out the window at the new blossoms on the dogwood tree just outside the building. “And heaven is too far away.”

“Maybe,” she said, and her eyes swam with unshed tears. “I don’t consider myself a religious or spiritual person, but even I believe there are signs if we know where to look. So go somewhere you feel closest to her and tell her everything.” She lifted one shoulder. “Who knows? Maybe she’ll send you a sign.”

I thought of the cardinal. What I had originally thought was my mother trying to meddle in my love life suddenly seemed to represent so much more. The bird had kept an eye on me, and I’d found comfort in its regular appearance. Whether my mother intended to steer me toward Nate or to help me find a way to forgive and let go no longer mattered to me. What mattered was that I knew my choice, and I knew what I needed to do.

After I finished with therapy, I went back to my dad’s house. I found the number for the school in California and dialed, my hands shaking. Part of me would prefer to do that in an email, and I would send a follow-up message to confirm, but they’d given me my first shot as a teacher. They deserved more than a two-line email.

“Montgomery School, Andrea speaking. How may I direct your call?”

“May I speak to Principal McBride, please?”

“Certainly. May I ask who’s calling?”

“Lanie McAllister.”

“One moment, please.”

The phone rang a couple of times, then a deep voice answered. “Lanie, what a pleasure to hear from you. How are things going in Maryland?”

“Well, sir. The house is under contract. All that’s left is to file the finalized estate with the court.”

“That’s wonderful news. I’m sure you’re anxious to get back to the West Coast and settle in before you start.”

“Actually, that’s why I’m calling.” I cleared my throat and squared my shoulders. “I’ve been offered a position at a local school here, and I’ve decided to accept it.”

The silence on the other end did nothing to help my pounding heart. I felt awful to leave them in a bind, but I knew I was making the right decision.

“I see,” he finally said then sighed. “I can’t say I didn’t see this coming.”

I blinked, unsure how to respond to that. “I’m sorry?”

“You’re not the first person who returned to their hometown and decided to stick around,” he replied with a chuckle. “Much as I think you’d be a great addition to our faculty, I understand, and I hope whatever school you’re going to knows what a treasure they’re getting.”

“Thank you. I really appreciate the opportunity you offered me.”

“If you ever change your mind, please feel free to reach out to me directly. I’m sure we’d be able to find you a place here.”

I thanked him again and ended the call. One down, one to go. Next, I called the local school. That conversation took a little longer as we discussed the logistics of my start date, having an initial meeting with Mrs. Carlisle before I started officially working with the children, and finalizing the salary offer. When I hung up, I felt lighter and free.

But I wasn’t done. I planned to do as my therapist suggested and tell my mother everything, but first, I wanted to clear the air with Nate.

I tried him at the auto shop and at home, but my calls and texts went unanswered. I supposed I couldn’t blame him for not responding to me after our last conversation.

Walking into the kitchen, I saw the notes Mom had written, sitting on the table. The one for Nate lay folded beside mine. It dawned on me that I’d never told him about the note. Would he even want to know? Maybe it was best if he didn’t. After all, he’d fulfilled his promise to her.

My head snapped up. As I’d suspected, the cardinal was perched on the railing of my father’s back deck, staring at me through the kitchen window. I gazed at it for a moment before my eyes drifted back to the paper in my hand. Perhaps that was a way to reach him. He might avoid me, but I knew him well enough to know he wouldn’t ignore a dead woman’s last words.

I scribbled my own note to him on an envelope and stuffed the letter inside. After grabbing my coat, I slid my feet into my shoes and raced out to Mom’s car. Dr. Brooks had told me to follow my heart, and I intended to do just that.

Chapter Fifteen

I sat on the partially frozen ground, staring blankly at my mother’s headstone. I didn’t know how long I’d been there, having lost feeling in my limbs long ago. Overall, I felt hollow and barely noticed the cold. My tears had long since run out, though the cool streaks they left behind were turning into icicles against my cheeks.

After leaving Mom’s note for Nate, I went there. Per my therapist’s suggestion, I’d gone to the place I’d felt closer to her. Which probably explained why I’d avoided the cemetery for most of my time home.

When I first arrived, I could barely get the words out over my tears. But I told her everything, and I forgave her for it all. While I’d hoped the cardinal would join me, if for nothing else than a sign that my mother heard me, I remained completely and utterly alone. Once I’d said what I needed to, the significance of what I had lost fully sank in, and I finally allowed myself to sit with my grief. No more pushing it away by staying busy or hiding from it under the covers in a darkened room. I let it wash over and through me, feeling everything and not holding back.

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