Page 56 of When Cardinals Appear

“What’s that?”

I opened my eyes and looked at him. “He said that I shouldn’t live someone else’s dreams for me, and I can’t help wondering if he meant my mom.” I dropped my gaze to my lap. “She made it no secret how she felt about you, at least in high school. And she liked James, mainly because she believed he was my ticket out of Cedar Haven.”

“Was that why you were with him? For her sake?”

I sighed and stood from the couch before pacing the floor. “I wish I could say no. It’s not like I felt nothing for James, but…” I stopped pacing and stared out the window at the back of the room. “I don’t know that I would have stayed with him as long had it not been for her encouragement.”

He was silent as he digested all of that, and I pressed my lips together to keep from babbling to fill the quiet. I returned to the couch and collapsed against it, preparing for a long wait.

“Is that why you applied for Mrs. Carlisle’s position? To have control?”

I shrugged. “Yes and no. Initially, James’s revelation about the apartment was a driving force. But something Steven said stuck in my mind as well. He thought I could do more good in a small school like that than in the special school in LA.” I took his hand, lacing our fingers. “But I had other reasons.”

His face softened, and he squeezed my hand. “Did you mean what you said to James? About… me?”

A laugh bubbled out of my throat, clearly surprising us both. “I wouldn’t have blown up my relationship if I hadn’t meant it.”

He gave me that heart-melting smile then. “And you and James are definitely over?”

I nodded. “He returned to the city, and he’ll be flying back to California tomorrow.”

One minute, I sat on the edge of the couch, facing him, and the next, he yanked me into his arms and held me close. Once I got over the shock, I laid my head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat, sighing contentedly.

Too soon, he pulled away. “I’m glad you told me, but I want to take this slow, Lanie.” I opened my mouth, but he pressed a finger to my lips. “Don’t misunderstand me. I still have feelings for you too.” He tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. “But you just lost your mother, are in the process of selling your childhood home, and ended a long-term relationship the other night. Any one of those things would cause a lot of upheaval in life, but I can only imagine how hard it’s been dealing with all three.” He took my hand in his. “So I want to give you the time and space to sort through what you want. You’ve still got that job waiting for you in California, and you may choose to go.”

“I think that’s wise,” I said, though part of me didn’t love the idea.

“But maybe I can help you sort through some things,” he said. “Besides your mother, what drew you to James, and what made you decide to move to California?”

“We met at school, freshman year of undergrad,” I said, not sure he really wanted to hear any of that. “I was sitting in the cafeteria, having lunch by myself. All of my roommates had classes in the afternoon while mine were mostly in the morning. He was with his friends, and they came over to ask if they could sit with me.” I laughed lightly. “Later, he told me he felt compelled to sit with me, like something was pulling him there.”

“Fate?” I could see in Nate’s eyes how much it pained him to ask.

“I don’t know that I believe in fate,” I replied. “Not in a universal sense.” I couldn’t keep the edge out of my voice, and Nate noticed.

“What do you mean?”

I shifted on the cushion and avoided his gaze. “You’re going to think I’m crazy.”

“I promise I won’t.”

Little did he know that was a promise he couldn’t keep. With a sigh, I pushed myself off the back of the couch and turned to look at him. “Have you ever heard a legend about cardinals?”

He shook his head and gestured for me to go on.

“I went to see my neighbor, Cassandra, the other day,” I began. “I’ve been seeing this cardinal often, particularly before seemingly innocuous events in my life that later prove to be important in some way. I saw it the morning my mom’s car had the flat, the day we had lunch at Bea’s, the day you came to help with the estate sale, the day of my interview, before the dance, and this morning.”

His eyes widened further, but he didn’t say anything. Unsure what to make of his reaction, I pressed on.

“Cassandra told me that cardinals are visitors from heaven, our loved ones who have passed away, coming back to check on us, often with a message. She suggested the cardinal might be my mother, and the days she chose to visit were to help convey her message.” I glanced at him. “It’s like she’s pointing me to you. After what you told me this morning, I-I’m starting to believe it.”

Every moment that Nate sat there staring at me caused my anxiety to increase. He thought I’d lost it, and I couldn’t blame him. My chest grew tight, and I stood to leave, but he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back beside him. I perched on the edge of the cushion, still worried he would have me committed.

“I saw a cardinal this morning before you called,” he finally shared.

“You did?” I demanded, raising my eyebrows.

“Briefly. Besides feeding Shadow, I haven’t been sleeping well the past two nights,” he admitted. “I didn’t like how we left things. When I finally gave up and went to get coffee, there was a little cardinal on my back deck.”

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