Page 50 of When Cardinals Appear

“He’s part of it.” Also true, though not the whole story. “But it’s… complicated.”

He waved his hand. “I’ve got all night.”

We stared at each other as I struggled to formulate the words. Figuring that I didn’t have much else to lose, I took a deep breath.

“As I told you on the phone, I applied to the position after you told me you found an apartment.”

He shook his head. “I just don’t understand why it was such a big deal for you.”

“We were supposed to go apartment hunting together,” I said. “You promised me you would wait until I got back.”

“Are you serious?” He gaped at me. “I know what we said, but you had so much on your plate. The least I could do was to have a place for you to land, all ready when you returned.”

For some women, his care and attention would seem like a blessing, but for me, it was just another example of an area of my life in which I had no control. I didn’t know how to express that without sounding like I’d lost my mind, so I decided to just go with it.

“I appreciate what you were trying to do,” I began. “But your actions chipped away at the one area in my life that was still mine.” When he frowned at me, I sighed. “I didn’t want to come back here.” I threw my arm out on that last word. “I had no desire to be my mom’s executor, to go through her things like this, to settle her life like it was some legal transaction. Steven was the obvious choice for executor, but for reasons I may never understand, she picked me. And so, I had no other option but to come back here and face all the memories I’ve been trying to avoid.”

A knot settled in my stomach, but I ignored it. “I held onto the knowledge that when I returned to the West Coast, I would finally be able to make the life I wanted for myself. We talked about getting an apartment together, and I was so looking forward to doing that with you, but then you told me you found one.“ I shut my eyes, taking deep breaths to control my temper. “And of course, it wasn’t just any apartment. It had to have all these amenities that we’ll probably never use. You chose something so far out of our price range, I expect we’d be living on ramen noodles for the next decade.”

It dawned on me at that moment that the problem in my relationship with James was not me or James or even Nate. Our problem was compatibility. James and I had never fully been in sync. After Mom died, when he left me to backpack across Europe, I bottled up my feelings because I didn’t want him to miss the trip of a lifetime. But someone who knew me, who understood me, would have recognized how much I needed a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold.

“We’ll manage,” he said with a careless shrug.

Ugh. Definitely not compatible. I shot him a withering look. “I don’t want to just ‘manage.’ With all the options for housing, why can’t we start somewhere smaller? Less expensive?”

“Fine!” he retorted. “Then we’ll keep looking, but that doesn’t explain why you took such a drastic action. Why can’t you just admit it’s because you want Nate?”

“Because it has nothing to do with Nate!”

He raised an eyebrow. “How can you say that when you just admitted you have feelings for him?”

I buried my head in my hands. “You didn’t let me finish.”

For a moment, I thought he was going to argue that point as well, but he leaned against the wall and gestured for me to continue.

“I agree with you that I should have spoken about my reservations. There’s no excuse for why I didn’t. All I can say in my defense is that I’ve been under a lot of pressure since I arrived to get things squared away with the house.”

He didn’t respond, and I was grateful to have a moment to organize my thoughts before I went on. “Nate told me about the position, and then I ran into the teacher who’s retiring. The town is really struggling to find a teacher to replace her. When you told me about the apartment, something inside of me just snapped.” I left out the part about Cassandra and the cardinal. My reasons were already questionable at best. James would have me committed if he thought I was looking for signs in nature. “So, I applied for the position, and they wanted to interview me the same day, but I haven’t accepted anything. I haven’t even been offered the job.”

“But you will be,” he muttered. “And it sounds like you’ve already made your choice.”

In that moment, I realized I had made a choice, but it wasn’t about my professional life. Regardless of whether I stayed in Cedar Haven or moved to LA, regardless of whether Nate and I found our way back to each other, one thing was certain: I needed to let James go.

“I haven’t made a choice about the job,” I hedged.

He saw right through my half-truth. “So, that’s it, then?” His brown eyes were sad as he looked at me. “You’re getting back together with him?”

“I don’t know what will happen with Nate,” I said, and that was true. After the way he’d left that night, I didn’t even know if Nate would speak to me again. “But I’m not being fair to either of you.”

It was James’s turn to put his head in his hands. His fingers riffled through his hair. “This is not at all how I expected this night to go.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, knowing all too well how inadequate my apology was.

He leaned back on the stairs and slid a hand into his pocket before pulling out a small black box. “I know it’s cliché to propose on Valentine’s Day, but you sounded so down on the phone, I thought it’d be a nice surprise to lift your spirits.” He gave me a rueful smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Guess I misread that situation entirely, huh?”

My heart was heavy as I met his gaze, tears brimming behind my eyes. “I really am sorry, James. I never meant to hurt you.” I took his hand. “I was going to tell you everything the next time we spoke.”

“Well, I suppose this was better than a Dear John letter or a text.”

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