Page 51 of When Cardinals Appear

I bumped his shoulder with mine. “I wouldn’t break up with you over text.”

“Appreciate that.” He sniffled, and I could tell he was barely holding it together.

“Look, why don’t you crash here?” I pointed up the stairs. “You can have my bed, and I’ll sleep in the recliner. It’s too late to drive back into the city.”

With a sad smile, he stood. “I need some time alone.”

The knot in my stomach grew, but I nodded. I understood why he wouldn’t want to be around me right then, but I hoped that I would see him again. I prayed that one day, he would forgive me. He had been there for me through some of my darkest moments, and I didn’t want him to disappear from my life completely.

We walked to the door, and he put his hand on the knob, hesitating. When he turned back to me, the tears he had been fighting were streaming down his cheeks.

“I hope you figure it out, Lanie, and that you live the life you want, not one someone else dreamed for you.”

I was taken aback by his words, but before I could formulate a response, he stepped into the cold winter’s night and shut the door behind him. I didn’t know how long I stood there in the empty hallway, staring at that door, but eventually, my back began to ache from lack of movement, and I moved to the kitchen.

Checking my phone, I felt my chest tighten when I saw I had no messages. I debated texting Nate but decided against it. My emotions were chaotic enough after the conversation I’d just had with James. No need to put my heart through the wringer a second time that evening.

I could text Rose, and I knew she would rush right over, hold my hand, and see me through my grief. But the one I wanted to talk to most of all was the person I could never talk to again. My chest ached, and I placed my hand on the wall to hold myself up.

“Oh, Mom,” I whispered to the empty house. “What have I done?”

Chapter Ten

Sleep eluded me well into the night. I tossed and turned for hours until I finally gave up and just lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling. What was I going to tell Nate about James? More importantly, how was I going to tell Nate? Would he even agree to see me? Would he even care? Last night, he was so cold and distant, even before James arrived. Sure, I should have told him about James sooner, but it wasn’t like he’d been clear about how he felt about me either. One minute, he acted aloof and detached, and the next, he gave me one of those sexy smiles that melted my heart.

And he still hadn’t told me whatever secret he was keeping about my mom. I’d pushed it out of my mind, choosing to focus on our time together, but it ate away at me. Lately, it felt like my mother was a puzzle I couldn’t solve, as if I struggled to piece together the woman I knew and the one I’d discovered only after her death. The puzzle remained unfinished without the information Nate had withheld, a mystery that wouldn’t be resolved until that last piece revealed itself.

The pitch-black of my room lightened to a dull gray as if even the sun refused to shine on me that day. I supposed I deserved that. My eyes burned from lack of sleep, and I dragged myself from bed in hopes a cup of coffee or five might help me make it through the day.

When I entered the kitchen, my gaze immediately strayed to the window, searching in vain for my cardinal. The one time I could really use a message from the beyond, and it was nowhere in sight. Figures. Maybe the cardinal’s absence conveyed a message in and of itself.

After I poured my coffee, a flash of red caught my eye. I hurried over to the window. My little friend perched on the sill, staring in at me with its small black eyes. It chirped, and I could swear I heard a hint of annoyance in the song.

“What do I do now?” I asked.

The bird chirped again then flitted along the windowsill, its feet clinging to the edge. When it reached the end, it fluttered down to the back porch, and I moved to the sliding glass door in the dining room. It hopped closer to the door and cocked its head at me.

“Did I make the right decision, breaking up with James?”

Another chirp came, that time a short syllable. I shook my head. Why did I expect some poor bird to understand the complexities of my life when I could barely make sense of them myself?

My phone pinged, and my heart jumped into my throat. But it was a text from Rose.

Come dress shopping with me.

I laughed, though it sounded hollow. Don’t you already have a wedding dress?

Not for me. For you. We need to get you an MOH dress.

When I glanced at the window, the cardinal was gone. A shopping trip was exactly what I needed to avoid wallowing all day. And who knew? The cardinal had shown up before I saw Nate countless other times, so maybe I would run into him again that day. I confirmed I’d meet her at the mall that afternoon and rushed to get ready.

After I’d showered and dressed, I checked my phone. But I still didn’t have any messages from Nate. With a sigh, I dialed his number, crossing my fingers. It went straight to voicemail. Sinking onto my bed, I debated what I wanted to say.

“Hey, Nate, it’s Lanie.” I paused. “We need to talk.” That was the understatement of the year, but I didn’t want to pour my heart out in a voicemail. “Give me a call when you get the chance.”

Did my tone convey everything I wasn’t saying? Probably not, but at least it was a start. I’d taken the first step. The ball was in his court, which did little to comfort me. I could only hope he would give me another chance, though I had no reason to expect him to. I’d likely exhausted my quota of second chances.

Rose was already browsing dresses when I arrived. The warmth of her embrace chased away the dark thoughts from the morning, and I knew I had made the right decision in escaping the house.

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