Page 42 of When Cardinals Appear

“I’m going to need a few more of these if I’m going up there,” I quipped, shaking my glass.

With a wicked grin, Rose waved our server over.

The laid-back atmosphere of the bar gave way to excitement as the stage was set up for karaoke. Cedar Haven didn’t have much to offer, but karaoke night was a town favorite. I downed my drink quickly, hoping to imbue some liquid courage before I dared to climb up on stage in front of the town.

“All right, how’s everyone doing tonight?” the DJ called out over the microphone. A chorus of cheers erupted in response.

“The sign-up sheet for karaoke is open now. Come on down and show us how much talent Cedar Haven has!”

Multiple people stood up and rushed to the front, but I made no move to join them.

“Come on, Lanie. Whatcha gonna sing for us?” Rose asked.

“I was thinking something fun, maybe ’22’ by Taylor Swift.”

“Ooh, that sounds perfect!” Rose agreed and motioned for Nate to move. He slid out to let me pass. His encouraging smile did nothing to settle my nerves. Swallowing my fears and my pride, I teetered down to the stage, very aware of just how much alcohol was currently making its way through my system. After a cursory glance at the list, I signed my name along with my song choice. The DJ had Taylor Swift’s newer albums as well. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was Nate’s influence, but for whatever reason, I found myself signing up for a second song.

Most of the singers that night weren’t half-bad, though I probably wouldn’t have noticed, as I was too focused on my own performance. The closer it got to being my turn, the more my hands shook. At one point, Nate laid his hand over mine and gave a gentle squeeze, which did nothing to calm me down. If that kept up, I would pass out before I ever made it on stage.

“All right, all right, all right,” the announcer said. “Next up, we have Cedar Haven’s own Lanie McAllister performing Taylor Swift’s ‘22.’ Give it up for Lanie!”

More cheers came, the loudest ones from Rose and Nate, as I walked up to the stage. I concentrated on the screen, ignoring the crowd as I waited for the first notes to play. My first few lines were a little stiff, and I swayed to the music to try to loosen up. By the time I hit the chorus, I was in my element, flashing two fingers and dancing across the stage.

When it was over, my face flushed from both exertion and excitement. I took a quick bow and returned to my table. Nate and Rose greeted me with huge smiles.

“That was amazing!” Rose grabbed my hand. “Please tell me you’ll do an encore.”

“Well,” I replied hesitantly. “There was one other song I signed up for.”

“Which is?” Rose demanded.

“It’s a surprise,” I said with a sideways glance at Nate.

He raised an eyebrow but didn’t comment.

We sat and enjoyed another round while others performed, then it was my turn again. Still riding the high from my earlier success, I felt less nervous about the performance. But I was apprehensive about the song I had chosen. For one thing, I didn’t know it nearly as well as the last one, and for another, when I’d first heard it, it reminded me of Nate. To sing it with him sitting just a few feet from me would be a whole new experience.

Would he read anything into it? More importantly, did I want him to? Last night had felt like old times in so many ways, and I wasn’t sure how to process those feelings I was having toward him. If he did read something into it, would he tell me? Was I about to ruin the tentative friendship we’d formed?

As the first notes of “The 1″ began to play, I cleared my throat and swayed to the beat. I searched the crowd until I found him. He smiled encouragingly at me as I sang through the first verse, but when I arrived at the refrain, his brows pulled together briefly before his whole countenance softened. The song was about a past love, and the narrator talked about how she wished the relationship had lasted. How sad she was that things had ended between them and how nice it would have been if it had turned out differently.

I sang the last two lines with my whole heart. Cheers erupted from the other patrons, but I only had eyes for Nate.

When I returned to our table, Rose was ready to go. She had texted Steven to come pick us up. My stomach clenched in disappointment. I’d hoped to have a moment alone with Nate, but as I followed Rose to the door, he discreetly grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze. A promise. Of what, I wasn’t sure, but I hoped to find out more soon.

“What was that?” Rose demanded once we were outside and alone.

“What was what?”

“You know what.” She crossed her arms. “That song. The way you looked at Nate. Lanie, what’s going on? I know I’ve teased you about Nate, but I’d meant it as a joke. Now, I’m wondering if I was a lot closer to the mark.” Shaking her head, she stared at me. “I thought you were with James?”

Her words were like a bucket of ice-cold water over the warmth of my high. She was right. What am I doing? Guilt settled in the pit of my stomach. I hadn’t been thinking about James at all.

“I-I don’t know,” I moaned, covering my face with my hands. “I’m so confused.”

Her face softened, and she put a hand on my shoulder. “I can’t empathize, as I’ve never had any doubts about your brother, but I can sympathize. Do you still have feelings for Nate, or is this stemming from the cardinal?”

I stood there, unsure how to respond. Did I still love Nate? Perhaps the better question was, had I ever stopped loving Nate? Deep down, I knew I hadn’t, but it wasn’t the same as being in love with him. He was my first love, and as the saying went, “You never forget your first love.” Was that all that it was? Was I pining for what might have been? What never could be?

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