Page 43 of When Cardinals Appear

“Both, maybe?” I finally said with a sigh. “Please don’t tell Steven. I’m afraid he’d let it slip to Dad, and then I’d never hear the end of it. He has more than enough fodder for his campaign to convince me to stay. This would just add fuel to the flames.”

“I’ve told your father he needs to let that go.” Rose rolled her eyes. “But I promise I won’t say a word to either of them.”

Her eyes were so filled with pity, I couldn’t bear to meet them.

“You need to figure this out and soon. Before someone gets hurt.”

I nodded and dropped the subject as Steven’s car pulled up. Rose slid into the passenger seat while I claimed the back seat. I looked forward to having some time alone with my thoughts. Rose was right. I was playing with fire, and someone, probably me, was going to get burned.

When I arrived home, I saw I had missed a call. Nausea swept through me when I saw it was James and not Nate. But maybe it was for the best. We needed to talk, and while it was too late to call him back, I did it anyway. I couldn’t keep avoiding him.

“Lanie?” His voice was groggy, confirming I had woken him up. “It’s late. Is everything okay?”

“I’m not sure,” I mumbled.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, and my heart broke a little at the sincere concern in his voice.

“I need to tell you something,” I said, debating exactly what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it.

“I’m listening.”

“I—“ An internal battle raged within me until I finally made a choice. “I applied for a job in Cedar Haven.”

Coward. But I couldn’t bring myself to tell him about Nate over the phone. We’d been together for all of our adult lives. He deserved better. We both did.

The silence on the other end did nothing to assuage my guilt. What is he thinking? The springs on his bed squeaked, and I could almost see him sitting up, rubbing his eyes, and trying to make sense of what I’d said.

“Why would you do that? You have a job here.”

“I know.” I covered my eyes with my hand. “It’s just, the other day, when you told me you’d found us an apartment, I felt like my life was moving on without me. I needed to feel like I was in control of something. I’d heard about this job from some of my fr-friends.” I winced as I stumbled over that word. “I thought I would keep my options open.”

James exhaled slowly. I’d never hated myself more. First, I woke him up, then I couldn’t even fess up to the real truth, the one that mattered. But I supposed that was fitting, since I wasn’t even ready to admit that truth to myself.

“I thought you said you didn’t want to move back there because it’s too painful. I... I thought I was doing you a favor by finding us a place.”

“I know, babe, and I appreciate it, but the place you found… It’s too expensive.” I blew out a breath. “I want to be part of the process.”

“All right, well, we can wait until you’re here, then. I just don’t understand why you applied for a position there. You do still want to move in together, right?”

I closed my eyes, wishing I could give him a better answer. I wasn’t sure about anything at that moment. Despite the issues we’d had recently, James had been a good boyfriend. We had a lot in common. But there had always been something missing, and that night, sitting beside Nate with my heart jackhammering in my chest, I realized the thing that was missing was passion. I didn’t feel passionate about James. Sure, I cared about him, but how I felt didn’t hold a candle to my feelings for Nate.

“I do,” I assured him, and at that moment, I meant it. What I wasn’t clear on was whether that would change. “I just—look, there’s something I need to...”

“Hey, listen, you don’t have to explain anything to me,” James cut in. “I know you’re having a rough time, what with your mom’s estate and selling the house. If waiting to find a place until you’re here will alleviate some of your burden, I totally get it.”

“Thank you for understanding,” I replied, sagging against the wall. The war going on inside me was wearing me down. “I’m sorry for waking you.”

“Hey, I’m here for you. Whatever you need.”

My eyes welled with tears, and I forced them back, desperately trying to keep my voice even. “Go back to sleep. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Good night, my love.”

I winced as I ended the call. The truth had been right there on the tip of my tongue. Why hadn’t I told him about Nate? I was all mixed up inside. My head fell back as I stared at the ceiling. What was I going to do now?

Chapter Nine

“You’re coming to the Valentine’s Day dance this weekend, aren’t you, Lanie?” Rose asked as we sat together on my bed, pretending to pack. It was a convenient excuse for hiding from Steven and Dad as they continued preparing the house for sale. The real estate agent planned to list it the next morning, and I struggled to come to terms with the idea that someday soon, my childhood home would be in the hands of strangers.

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