Page 145 of The Loathing

FIVE DAYS TO GO…

Sitting at my easel, I stare at the blank canvas. I have been sat here for hours and I haven’t even picked my brush up. My mind is too chaotic. It’s messy and dark and I hate it. I have never felt so blocked before with my painting. This is my escape. But I can’t escape this hell hole that I am living in.

I was never one for fairytales, but now I am living in complete unhappiness, all I long for is a fairytale and to be whisked away by a knight in shining armour.

But not everyone gets a happily ever after and I was one of them.

I let my hand fall to my non-existent bump and I feel my heart break. “I will always love you, little one,” I whisper so only I can hear, “we will be reunited one day… but until then I just wanted you to know that I do in fact love you… very very much. It’s just not the right time for you and me,” I sniff, a tear rolling down my cheek, but I don’t wipe it away. I let it fall. I want to feel the pain of my words and future actions. I want to be reminded of this day for the rest of my life.

Any ounce of happiness I felt is slowly leaving me as each day goes on bringing me one step closer to my fate.

I pick up my palette and squirt black paint onto it before losing myself into my eternal darkness.

* * *

TITUS

“I’m ready to come home now,” I admit, a heavy breath leaving me as I fall onto my bed.

“Are you though?” I hear Arizona ask and I take a minute to think on my answer. On one hand yes, I am ready. Because I can’t stand being in close proximity to someone I have fallen in love with and I miss my daughter and my friends. But on the other hand, no. Because I don’t want to leave the woman I have fallen in love with in this shit situation that is really, nothing to do with me. She’s just a job.

My chest tightens and I feel the ache burning through me.

“Yes,” I groan out as I rub my chest to try and alleviate some of the ache.

“That bad over there?” I hear Arizona crashing about.

“What are you doing?” I ask, pulling the speaker part of my phone away from my ear.

“Just trying to get my computer set up for…” she pauses, “assignments.”

My brows pinch and I sit up.

“Assignments? I didn’t think you had anymore.”

“Huh? No, I don’t. Sorry dad I am exhausted. I have got to do some research and Keaton’s internet is crap.”

“Anywhere else you can go?” I hear her sigh.

“Well yeah, but I kind of don’t want to. I sort of like being here.”

“Only temporary though, right?”

“Of course, yeah! Only temporary, right,” she agrees with me, but something feels off and I don’t know what.

“Arizona,” my tone is a little sterner now and I stand from the bed, “is everything okay? Because you know you can tell me anything,” I swallow thickly.

“Yes dad, honestly, everything is fine. I’m a big enough girl, I can handle myself. Things have just been a little tense at work that’s all.”

“Well make sure you’re having some time out, your mental health is more important than your job and I hate the thought of being thousands of miles away and you struggling with burnout because you’re burning the candle at both ends.”

“Dad, please,” she groans in a plea.

“Okay.”

“I’m sorry, I’m just…”

“Yeah, I know. Tired, exhausted, busy… I get it.”

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