Page 46 of Calculated Chaos

“Background check and payment.”

“Oh, it’s cool that they check backgrounds.”

“It is.” I stare at my laptop screen instead of Hollister, but slowly I end up turning my head toward him.

He’s scratching his stomach, his eyes trained on my computer screen, his expression curious and unguarded. I need to tell him what I’m feeling. I don’t hide shit from Hollister, and now would be a really bad time to start.

“Holl?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m, um, I’m freaking out a little.”

Hollister sits up, placing his hand on my forearm. “What’s going on?”

“You know how impulsive I can be.”

“Yeah.”

“I started thinking about it, about what’s happening between us, and I was all in because it feels good. It feels like it’s okay that it’s happening.”

“But?”

“What if we fuck it up? Neither one of us has a stellar romance record. What if we’re excited because it’s new and fun and different, but it fizzles out? Then what happens? We could lose everything we have together.”

Hollister’s eyes grow wider the longer I talk, before he stands up and paces the room, ending up in front of the windows.

“Holl?”

“Well fuck,” he whispers, twisting to face me. “I was counting on your confidence to guide us, but you’re having doubts.”

“I don’t doubt how I feel with you. It’s more like what happens after that, or how do we fix shit if we break it? I can’t lose you the way I’ve lost everyone else.”

Hollister nods, crossing his arms over his chest. “No, you’re right. We were being impulsive. Should we just back out now? Call it a weird blip and move forward as friends?”

The logical part of my brain is nodding in agreement, but the way my chest tightens and my stomach tenses tells me that’s not the path my heart wants to take. “I don’t know. Can we do that?”

I scratch the back of my head, at a complete loss. The idea of not holding him again, not kissing him, not feeling our bodies smashed together again leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but the thought of us not being friends anymore is worse.

“I’m sorry, Holl. This is my fault. I pushed us to this weird place.”

“Stop it. You didn’t force me, and frankly, it’s the most fun I’ve had in a long time.” He walks back to where I’m at and sits next to me, his hand resting on my knee. “I’m not sure we can just pretend it didn’t happen, but we can try.”

“How?” I fix my gaze on his. “How do we go back, Holl?”

He searches my eyes, and as he does, I already know it’s hopeless. I want him, and nothing else seems to matter right now. Gazing into each other’s eyes, we lean in at the same time, and as our lips meet, passion explodes between us. Hollister climbs onto my lap, straddling me, his erection quickly growing and pressing into my stomach as I knead his ass.

His kiss settles all the nerves and insecurity, so I just give in to it, believing somehow we’ll figure it out. “I won’t let you go, Holl,” I whisper against his lips.

“Never,” he says back. As he pulls away, pressing our foreheads together, his fingers tangle in my hair. “We opened the cage, and I don’t think we can stuff this beast back inside.”

“No.”

“So we just have to promise each other we’ll fight for this. No matter how it goes, we’ll fight for each other.”

“I promise.”

Hollister sits back, nodding. “I promise too.”

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