Page 32 of Calculated Chaos

Clearing my throat, I close my eyes again, imagining myself back at my desk, focused on my spreadsheets and tasks, ignoring everything I experienced last weekend. I don’t need a PhD to notice the stark difference in reaction.

When I open my eyes this time, the man simply nods. “Did that help?”

“Yeah. How do I stop being scared?”

“That’s easy. You stop being scared by doing what scares you.”

“It all just feels like chaos. It’s not me. I’m a very structured person. I don’t take risks.”

“Ah, but perhaps there’s a part of you that wants to.” He leans in so close his breath warms my face. “Chaos can be fun.”

I nod, gazing into his eyes. “Are you a therapist?”

He laughs. “Far from it. I just enjoy people enjoying life. I think the world could use more chaos of the good kind. Why not pursue the things that feel good and even scare you a little? It makes you feel alive.”

Swallowing hard, I nod, completely entranced by his words. He blinks and so do I, sitting up straight and backing away from him.

“Thanks for your help.”

“My pleasure.” He stands, glancing around the park. “Good luck.”

“Thanks. What’s your name?”

“Thorn.”

“Maybe I’ll see you around, Thorn.”

He smiles, and as a car honks loudly, I turn to look at the sound. When I turn back, Thorn is gone. My eyes dart around the park, but he’s nowhere to be seen, leaving me to wonder whether I just imagined the whole interaction. Huh.

I might have imagined it, but his words linger, so I pick up my phone and very bravely click the link to sign up. If both choices are right, then I owe it to myself to follow through. If I find out I like being smacked around, tied up, and called a good boy, so be it. If I find out I like it more if Axel is doing it all, well… I guess I’ll figure out how to deal with that later. First things first.

Chapter Fifteen

AXEL

The front door opens only twenty minutes after five. I smile as I hop up from the couch.

“Well, well. Look at you getting home while the sun is still up.”

Hollister grins, his cheeks turning slightly pink. He walks straight into me, pressing his forehead against my shoulder, so I wrap my arms around him, kissing the top of his head like I often do. It hits me how many times I’ve been teased for how much physical affection I show Holl. I guess I’ve always been more comfortable with him than anyone else.

“You okay?” I ask.

“Definitely. Just feeling sort of… alien. I needed my anchor.”

I hold him a little tighter, inhaling the fruity scent of his shampoo, like berries and pineapple on a summer day. He just leans into me, keeping his arms at his sides, but slowly, his hands move to my back, sliding down and resting at my hips.

Looking at this interaction through the lens of what we experienced over the weekend has my body tingling. The urge is strong to scoop him up and… and what? Cuddle him? Spank him? What the actual fuck is happening in my brain?

Hollister steps back, slowly untangling himself from me. As his hazel eyes focus on mine, his cheeks flushed and lips parted, I’m immediately reminded of the breathy pleas in the dungeon.

“Thank you,” Holl whispers.

“For?”

“Being you. Being here. Caring so much about me. It sounds dramatic but…” He chuckles, dragging his hand through his hair. “I think the intervention was actually life-changing. Nothing that was totally fine for me on Friday fits anymore. I am not okay with just doing life the way I have been. I want… more, I think.”

Smiling, I drag my hand down his arm. “I get it. I think it was good for both of us. It’s been bothering me that I don’t have any direction for my life now.”

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