Page 33 of Calculated Chaos

He nods. “It’s a dream to retire early on paper, but in reality, what do you do with the next fifty years of your life?”

“Exactly. There’s only so much leisure a guy can take.” The words are on the tip of my tongue to confess about the class, but I have to stand by my decision to explore this without sucking him into it. He needs to decide on his own what and how he wants to explore. “Did anything happen at work?”

Holl scoffs. “No. I overreacted of course. I bet he didn’t even notice. He just gets off on beating me down in front of my peers. Remember when he hired me, and the whole speech about him not treating me differently because I was his kid?”

“Yeah.”

“But he does. He treats me like shit, and while he’s not exactly Mother Teresa with everyone else, he’s much easier to deal with.”

“He doesn’t deserve you, Holl.”

Hollister nods, biting his bottom lip as his eyes focus on the floor for a second. “Yeah. I think I’m starting to realize that.”

“Hey.” I grip his shoulder, squeezing gently. “Want to grab some tacos from the place on the corner?”

His face lights up. “Hell yeah.”

* * *

This time, stepping up to the heavy black doors of Chaos has my stomach in excited knots. Now that I know what’s waiting on the other side, I’m both curious and low-key terrified that I’m going to learn things about myself I’m not ready to face. But I’m here now, and what kind of role model for Hollister would I be if I backed away from uncomfortable things?

The man at the door glances at his clipboard when I give him my name, nodding to the other man, who presses the buzzer and holds the door open for me. Once inside, I’m greeted by the same woman who was there last Friday. Her presence is interesting to me now that I know this is a gay club. Then it dawns on me that maybe I’m making a gender assumption based on appearance, and that’s not cool.

Another man shows up a second later, wrapping a blue tag around my wrist. “Right this way,” he says.

I follow him through the nightclub section and down the hall to the hidden elevator again, my heart rate kicking up the closer we get to the top floor.

“Don’t be nervous,” the man says.

I chuckle. “That obvious?”

He pats my arm. “No one will bite you here without your permission.” His eyes roam the length of my body, the smile on his face revealing his appreciation. “I have a feeling you can hold your own though.”

I sort of laugh-choke at his comment. “Do, um, do straight guys come to seminars like this?”

He twists to face me, one eyebrow lifted high. “Oh, sweetie.”

Why did he say it like that?

The elevator doors open and we step out, but he stops me, putting his hands on my shoulders. For the first time, I really notice him. His deeply tanned skin and thick black curls, dark brown eyes lined in purple liner and mascara, the glossy pout of his lips.

“There’s nothing wrong with being curious,” he says.

“Yeah, I know. That’s why I’m attending the seminar.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about. I mean…” He drags a long, manicured finger down my chest. “Curious.”

His meaning is shockingly clear as images of Hollister flash in my mind.

“You can find anything you want here,” my guide continues. “Anything. Just be open to it. Don’t judge it. Experience it.”

I nod, swallowing past my dry throat. “Good advice.”

He hooks his arm through mine, leading me down another hallway where there’s a room at the end. It’s got a lot more people in it than I anticipated, which makes me feel better actually. I can just sit in the back and soak it in.

“Enjoy, sweetie,” my guide says as he winks and leaves.

I’m sure I was told his name, but my brain can only handle so much new information at once. I head straight for the back row, only to find it full of people. I move up the rows until I encounter the first empty seat, along with three others, on the third row. At least it’s not right up front.

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