Page 105 of West Bound

The others agree and we quickly make our way to our favorite hangout, Billy’s Long Bar, for a night of no boys allowed.

“Wow. That lumber-hottie Cam is dancing with looks like a sexy grizzly bear. Vaughan would lose his freaking mind if he was here right now.”

We arrived at Billy’s and immediately fell into our good times. I saw Brady whom I had a fun romp in the sack with before Phoenix, Cami and Cat got pulled onto the dance floor by the two guys who look like they walked off the set of Sons of Anarchy, and CeCe is getting talked up by a third member of their gang.

“Well, it looks like we’re about to find out.” CeCe mutters and points towards the dance floor where we see an irate Vaughan, pushing his way through the masses and grabbing Camille.

I hiss. “Yikes. That has the makings of a shit storm. I’m gonna go get a refill. Wanna come?” I ask CeCe, holding up my empty glass.

She says no and I head to the bar for some flirting and a beer.

Brady slides me a cold bottle and I lean over the bar, waiting for him to finish with another customer before returning to me like he promised.

“So beautiful. Are you looking for a repeat tonight? I came in first, so I don’t have to close. We could leave as soon as I’m off.” Brady runs his hand from my wrist to my shoulder and leaves a quake of goosebumps.

Only these aren’t the same ones I get when Phoenix touches me. They are not the chills of excitement. Not the kind I get when he bosses me around and tells me I’m a good girl. And they are definitely not the kind of goosebumps I get when he calls me Peaches and tells me he loves me.

“I, um–” I’m interrupted by the buzzing of my phone in my purse. “Can you give me a second?”

I reach into my purse and pull it out to see a text from Phoenix. There are no words, only a selfie of him in the mirror, shirtless and with my peach tattoo displayed proudly.

A tightness pinches in my chest and I rub it, trying to ease the horrible feeling that has come over me. I look up at Brady who is doing the same flirt routine with another woman. Same practiced smile that gets him the big tips. Same wink that has the ladies coming back for more. A familiarity I’ve grown accustomed to over the years from different men. It’s the act they all use to get what they want. It’s the act I used.

I never realized how much of it was exactly that; an act. Does anyone really, truly love sleeping with one stranger after another? Never really getting to know anything about them other than what’s on the surface and their favorite sex position? That’s all I ever needed to know. But now I know that Phoenix loves watching cheesy comedies while eating almost an entire bag of chocolate peanut butter cups. The miniature ones with the foil wrapper that he wads up and builds on until it’s large enough to toss around like he’s warming up for the mound.

I know he loves PB&J for breakfast with the crust cut off and the edges pressed together like a little pocket. I know that he loves a good bubble bath after a tough game, and his new favorite scent is peach. I love how he takes any opportunity he can find to kiss me like it might be the last time. He can be gentle and sweet, and handle me with such care that you wouldn’t think possible for a man like him. But give him a second and he’ll turn into a beast who loves to pull my hair and treat me like his personal sex toy, which I never thought in a million years would be something that makes my body sing with delight.

All of those things that I could never imagine myself wanting are now the only things I want in my life.

I walk away and take a little time alone to think about my mistakes, his mistakes, our pasts…our possible future. I dance and wonder what it would be like to have a man, my man, spin me around only to be pulled back into his arms and held like the most precious thing in the world. I think about Cami and Vaughan and how I’ve never seen either of them smile the way they do when they’re together. Or the heartache they feel when they’re not.

Then my mind spins the opposite direction and I wonder if Phoenix can truly give up the life of excess he lived before me. I can say without a doubt that I would give up everything for him. Other men didn’t even register on my radar when I was with him. I didn’t think of anyone but Phoenix. I didn’t long for anyone but him. He gave me his words, but that is all I really had to go off of.

I’ve seen all of the cheating athletes and how they practice, “what they don’t know won’t hurt them” attitude. I don’t want to be the oblivious wife, waiting at home for her husband to return. Not that I want to be the one who knows what he is up to when he’s not home.

My mind continues the push and pull of what-if this and what-if that when CeCe comes running up to me.

“Viv. We’ve gotta go. It’s Vaughan.” I barely have time to put my drink down and I’m following right behind her as we run out of the bar, chasing a very drunk Vaughan and a hysterical Cami.

Then it all happens so fast yet so slow.

Vaughan on his motorcycle. The red light. The car. The screeching of tires. The crunching of metal. The agonizing screams of a woman who’s heart is breaking in real time.

I watch on as my best friend holds the man she loves in her arms, not knowing if he’ll ever wake to see her face again.

Tears pour from my eyes and I ache to have Phoenix next to me, holding him close and knowing that everything will be okay.

We ran into the hospital on the heels of the ambulance that brought Vaughan in, our eyes constantly spouting tears and our hearts in our throats. We surround Cami and Hayes until Dagen and his parents arrive, then we give them space to comfort one another.

An eerie silence stretches through the sterile hospital waiting room and it claws at my nerves.

“I need a minute,” I whisper to Bishop who sits next to me, clutching my hand in a death grip.

“Are you okay?” he asks, concern lacing his voice.

“Yeah…no. No I’m not, Bish. I messed up and I need to fix it.” He nods, wraps his giant arm around me and hugs me.

“I’m here if you need me, Red.” Bishop kisses the top of my head and I grab my purse and walk outside.

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