Page 26 of My Heart for Yours

Of all the people who could have showed up today, Shane’s mom is the last one I expected, but that’s who walks into the bedroom. Marilyn doesn’t hesitate, just walks over to me, and takes me into her arms. How is it possible to have such a perfect moment amidst all the pain and heartbreak?

Shane

I can’t do this, I’m not strong enough. I sit on my couch with my head in my hands, tears streaming down my face while Dad sits quietly next to me. Mom went straight to my room, closed the door and I haven’t heard a sound since, which I’m endlessly grateful for because Lisa’s tears are killing me one drop at a time. I feel like I can’t breathe; the panic from earlier only now subsiding slightly. I try to wrap my brain around what happened. One moment I was pouring my heart out to her while lying on top of her like I’ve done before, and the next she was fighting me off as though her life depended on it. I realized right away that it was some kind of Cole-induced flashback that caused this reaction, but nothing could have prepared me for it even though I heard her discussing this very thing with Jay in the hospital. If Cole wasn’t dead already, I would gladly end his miserable life for causing Lisa so much pain.

Dad clears his throat.

“You want to talk about it? I’ve never seen you like this before.” I know he’s talking about what happened with Layla because it’s true, I never felt as strongly about what happened two years ago as I do about the woman currently falling apart in my bedroom. I let out a ragged breath and turn to him, prepared to tell him everything but he just lays a hand on my shoulder and shakes his head. “I know this is different, but the last time you lost your heart, it wasn’t just your brother you kept yourself away from. Your family needs you Shane, and I think you need us too, especially now. Tell me what we can do to make this better for you.” Dad was never one to shy away from his emotions and he always encouraged us to own our feelings, as unconventional as that might be, but right now it’s all just too much.

“She’s hurting Dad, and there is nothing I can do to help her. She’s leaving and I agreed to let her go but I don’t think I’m strong enough to go through with it.” He doesn’t say anything for a few minutes, probably trying to work it out in his head because suddenly it doesn’t make much sense to me either. How can I let her go? She needs me, even if she’s not willing to admit it and I know given time we can work through this together, but I can’t do anything if she insists on leaving tomorrow.

“You’re going to have to trust her, son. None of us knows exactly what she went through with Starke, but if she believes that leaving is the only way she’s going to get over it and move on, you need to let her go and trust that she will come back to you.” I know he’s right; I’ve been telling myself the same thing since the first time I suspected she was going to leave, but now that the time is drawing closer, I have to wonder how I’m going survive until she comes back to me.

Mom comes out of the bedroom a short while later and lets us know that Lisa fell asleep again. Strange as it may sound, the concern on Mom’s face goes a long way to calming my conflicting emotions, if only to assure me that I’m not dealing with this on my own. She hugs me tightly and after making me promise to let them know if I need anything, they leave. All I need is to be close to Lisa, so I go back to the bedroom and crawl into bed next to her, but this time I don’t spoon or hold her. I just lie there with a pillow’s width of space between our bodies and stare at her until I fall asleep as well.

When we wake up again it’s almost lunch time. Lisa is much calmer now, if a little distant but I decide to follow her lead in how the rest of the day is going to go. She takes a quick shower, dresses in a pair of jeans and one of my sweatshirts and then heads to the kitchen to make us some lunch, while I’m left to contemplate the foreseeable future without her in it. How long is she going to stay away? Does she even know? What is she going to do while she’s gone? Hell, what am I going to do? Nothing about my life holds any appeal without Lisa to share it with.

I have so many questions, but asking them now feels wrong, because I know it will only cause more strain on the time we have left and that is not what I want. So instead, I go to the kitchen as well and help to prepare our meal. I notice right away that Lisa is not shying away from me physically, almost as if she’s testing herself to see how much she can stand after what happened earlier. We move around the kitchen, brushing up or reaching over each other like we’ve done it a million times, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. Because it is. Our love for each other has not changed or diminished, this trial is temporary. I hold onto that just as Lisa turns into me, stopping me in my tracks with her direct stare.

“We’re going to be okay, right? I need to hear you say you won’t give up on me.” I don’t question her vulnerability or need for reassurance because I would walk through fire for this woman, so I give her my truth in the only words I know. “I love you, Lisa. I will wait for as long as it takes you to come back to me.” Then I take both her hands, pull them around my waist slowly giving her time to protest or pull away if she wants to, and kiss her. Her lips are so soft and yielding and I sense that she would let me deepen the kiss if I wanted to, but that’s not my goal. This is not about passion or need, even though I feel that too. This is me giving her my promise that the words I spoke come from my heart.

Lisa

How does Shane do that? Does he have a little notebook like Dr. Wilson in which he keeps all the things he’s learned about me, all the perfect words and gestures to make my heart melt and my knees weak? How strange is it that after everything that has happened today, I want him, his strong hands and the firm body that I know will never hurt me, despite the tricks my mind tries to play. And I know they are tricks because Cole is dead. I killed him. Maybe I should feel guilty for doing it, but I don’t. He was going to kill Shane and that is something I could never live with.

We finish up in the kitchen and take our plates to the couch rather than sitting by the table. Maybe Shane needs the closeness as much as I do. We eat in silence for a few minutes, but my appetite seems to have deserted me and my food sits like a rock in my stomach, so I give up and turn to him instead. He stops eating as well and raises an eyebrow in question.

“You haven’t asked me what happened while I was with Cole. After what happened this morning, I feel like I owe you an explanation or something.” I trail off because I’m not a hundred percent sure this is the right thing to do or even that Shane wants to talk about it. He frowns for a second before his face softens. He places his plate on the coffee table next to the couch and then reaches over to take mine as well. Once he’s turned back to me, he takes my hands.

“Sweetheart, you don’t have to explain anything, least of all to me. I wasn’t sure you wanted to talk about it so soon, but if you’re ready, I’m right here and I’ll listen to every word.” God, I love him so much. I give his hands a squeeze and then take a deep breath and begin.

“Joe called me the day before the festival to tell me that they lost track of Cole and that I should go back to Chicago where Joe could keep an eye on me. I’m such a stubborn idiot. I thought I had time, that I could talk to you and we could come up with a plan, but the timing was all wrong and by the next morning it was too late. He grabbed me just after I texted you, drugged me and took me to that house in the mountains where he tied me to a bed in the basement.” I take a moment to study Shane for a reaction but apart from a tick in his jaw, he’s motionless so I carry on. “Trust was a big thing for Cole, specifically him being able to trust me, so I was always either tied up or blindfolded when I needed to use the bathroom. He would hold onto me and lead me around and I figured in order to win his trust, I had to play helpless which actually seemed to work. He would let me out of the basement more often and when I asked him to show me around the house, I waited for the right moment and pushed him down the stairs. Unfortunately, he managed to pull me down with him which is why I have the bump on my head and the cracked ribs.” I wonder if Shane’s figured out yet that I make lame jokes when I’m nervous or uncomfortable. I glance up at him again and immediately wish I hadn’t. Shane isn’t smiling. In fact, nothing about him looks relaxed or amused. I open my mouth, about to start rambling but he cuts me off.

“Lisa, you have no idea how happy I am that you managed to get away, but I need you to tell me the parts that you left out the first time. I need to hear all of it.” Playing dumb won’t work, he knows there’s more and even though I can see it’s causing him pain, I tell him about the touching and kisses I was helpless to stop, the moments that came later that I tried to endure until I couldn’t take anymore, and finally the threat that led to Cole lying at the bottom of the stairs with a broken neck.

Shane

She blames herself for what happened and sees her actions as some form of betrayal. That becomes clear as day the longer I listen to her and I think more than dealing with the trauma, Lisa needs to deal with this guilt because it will just get in the way of everything else. Her wanting to leave makes a bit more sense to me now, not because I agree with her but because I understand how guilt can twist you up inside, make you feel weak and undeserving of the things you want. I tell her that I don’t hold any of her actions against her, hoping that she hears me and takes my words to heart. The only person to blame for what happened is dead, case closed.

Now that she’s done talking, I take her in my arms and pull her onto my lap so that I can hold her close. We don’t say anything for a few minutes which is fine with me and from the way she curls into me I think she feels the same way. Even with all the uncertainty hanging over us at the moment, I know she’s strong enough to get through this and I will do anything in my power to make sure she comes back to me. I can be patient, but it seems Lisa cannot. She starts fidgeting and moving around until I release my hold and look into her eyes.

“Tell me what you need, beautiful.” Her eyes get a little shiny, but she doesn’t look away.

“I don’t know. I just feel a little restless, that’s all. Could we go for a walk or something? Maybe some fresh air will help.” I smile at her and then stand up with her still in my arms which causes her to burst out laughing. As long as I live, I will never grow tired of that sound. “Look at my man, so strong he could probably leap tall buildings in a single bound too.” I puff out my chest, not the easiest thing to do with her still in my arms and head for the door.

“Damn straight, and that’s not even the half of it.” I wink at her and she laughs again.

“Oh, do tell.” She wriggles in my arms again and this time I put her down, but keep my arm around her waist, the need to keep her close never diminishing.

“Nope, you’re going to have to stick around to find out the rest.” She stills for a second and I almost begin to regret what I said, but then she says the words I didn’t realize I desperately needed to hear from her.

“I will come back to you Shane, I promise.”

Our walk takes us into town where a number of people stop to greet us and enquire how Lisa is doing. I love that and I can see it means a lot to her too. We decide to stop for something sweet at The Meeting Place, a small coffee shop that serves the best pies around. The conversation is light and kept in the present, neither one of us wanting to give too much thought to what will happen tomorrow, even though it’s a constant murmur in the back of my mind, but soon we are both quiet, struggling with all the things we do not say.

This is how Aaron and Tinsley find us and for once I’m relieved for the interruption. Aaron doesn’t say much at first and we just sit and watch the girls chat and laugh. After a few minutes of this he looks over at me.

“You doing okay?” He knows I’m not, but as a rule we don’t spend a lot of our time talking about feelings, so I just nod.

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