Page 25 of My Heart for Yours

“No, my mother’s alcoholism has made me wary of taking anything that could lead to addiction, so I don’t take medications if I can help it. Also …” I hesitate before continuing. “I know it sounds silly, but I have this fear that if I take the sleeping pills and something happens, I won’t be able to wake up or be aware enough to do anything about it.” She nods at this.

“That’s not silly at all. Your fears are valid and understandable, but there are so many options available that if you change your mind, we can find something that will help you get the rest you need without causing you more distress.” I agree even though I know I won’t take her up on this offer, but don’t say anything else. “Tell me, right at this moment, what is causing you the most anxiety?” I appreciate that we’ve finally gotten to the point of this session, but I feel like a dead battery, all my energy drained away and my mind numb.

“I know Cole is gone, that he can’t hurt me anymore, but I feel … vulnerable, like I need to keep checking over my shoulder in case he’s there, and I feel restless, like I should keep moving or something bad will happen. I know it’s crazy, but I can’t turn it off.” Just talking about it is causing panic to rise and I can hear the note of hysteria in my voice, but Diane takes it all in her stride.

“It’s definitely not crazy, Lisa. Take it from someone who knows.” She winks at me and smiles one of her reassuring smiles. “You went through something very traumatic and your brain is trying to process that as best it can. The anxiousness and nightmares are symptoms of this and will decrease as you come to terms with what happened, but it’s going to take time. There are some coping techniques I’d like to discuss with you and obviously I’ll be here whenever you want to talk. That is a big part of any recovery process, talking through what happened even if it feels like you are just repeating the same words over and over again. Don’t close yourself off and don’t hold yourself back from those who care about you. I can tell you are a strong young woman. You are used to being on your own and doing everything your way, but everyone needs a support system once in a while, so make use of the one you have. Remember that you have people in your life now who want to help and maybe it will be good for you to let them.” She lets that sink in for a moment before standing up and collecting some reading material for me to take with me when I leave. Now I notice that more than an hour has passed since we started our session, but Diane moves around her office in a relaxed manner as if she has all the time in the world. I like that, so maybe I will come back again.

Shane is quiet on the way home, which surprises me. I thought he would have loads of questions and the fact that he’s not asking them makes me uneasy. Wow, how self-absorbed can one person be? He has his own life to worry about, his family and his business. The world doesn’t revolve around me and my little traumatic experience. These are the thoughts going through my head when I receive a text from Tinsley: Hey! Heard you’re home. In the mood for company? Is it strange that I love how everyone thinks Shane’s home is mine too? Like that is just where I belong, end of story and nobody questions it. I shoot back: Hi! Sure, but can we make it a little later? Just getting back from therapist

No point in hiding it, she will find out about the session anyway and I know she’ll be supportive. We agree to meet later this afternoon at Shane’s house, and I put my phone away.

“That was Tinsley, she’s going to come over for a bit later.” Shit, should I have checked with him first? “I’m sorry, I didn’t even ask you if that was okay?” He gives me an annoyed look and my unease shoots through the roof.

“Of course, it’s okay. I mentioned it yesterday. You don’t have to ask for permission.” Alrighty then, something’s going on but getting into it in the confined space of Shane’s truck does not feel like a good idea. We both remain quiet and when we finally reach the house, I jump out without waiting for Shane to come around and open the door. Once inside I put down my bag and head into the kitchen to get some water, while Shane disappears into his bedroom. Should I go after him? Maybe he needs space now the way I needed it before, and I should just respect that. Before I can give it any more thought, he comes back out and grabs his keys before heading for the door.

“I’m going to the bar for a while. Not sure what time I’ll be home so grab a meal out of the freezer when you get hungry.” With that, he’s out the door and I’m left standing there alone.

By the time Tinsley arrives, I’ve pulled myself together and made up my mind to leave Marshall Falls. Actually, I changed my mind about five times since Shane walked out the door because the truth is, I don’t want to leave. I love this town and its people and most importantly, I love Shane. I’m not giving up on him or on the future I want with him, but it’s obvious we both have some issues to deal with and maybe doing it while living in the same house is not the best plan.

Tinsley and I do not talk about Cole or what happened after he took me. I think she can tell that I’ve had enough therapy for one day. We just chat about what’s going on in her life, the town, and her plans for tomorrow. How did I forget that tomorrow is New Year’s Day? We joke about making resolutions and ridiculous plans for the year ahead and for the first time today I relax enough to enjoy where I am and appreciate the friendship I have with this amazing woman. When she eventually gets up to leave, she waits for me to stand next to her before giving me a tight hug. My ribs protest but I don’t say a word, savoring the moment instead. Because of my love for Shane and this friendship with Tinsley, I will get better and I will come back.

Chapter 13

Shane

I know I acted like a jerk yesterday. Lisa is taking steps to overcome what happened to her and I’m in complete denial, as if avoiding the subject will take us back in time to before … so I went to the bar and hid like a coward, too scared to face what I knew was coming. I know she’s going to leave and on some level, I even understand why. She’s used to dealing with things on her own and sees herself becoming a burden to me. How do I tell her that nothing could be further from the truth, that I would be the luckiest man on earth to carry this weight for her and that I cannot live without her? But it was this helpless feeling that drove me out of my own home. As much as I want to make things better for her, she is going to have to do all the heavy lifting, and I’m just going to have to stand by and support her as best as I can.

I sat in my office while my memories of being with Lisa played in a loop and my heart fought to get me off my ass, to go home to the woman I love. Eventually I went to the front of the bar instead and helped Reid who was dealing with a packed crowd waiting to be served. As distractions go, you just can’t beat good old-fashioned hard work. Time flew and before I knew it, it was midnight and people all around me were hugging and kissing and wishing each other a happy new year. And I was completely alone.

By the time I got home, Lisa was fast asleep on the couch. She had been waiting up for me and when this realization hit, any resolve to maintain distance between us flew out the window. I didn’t think twice about picking her up and carrying her to bed, because if our time together was going to get cut short, I was going to spend every possible moment close to her. But first I needed to apologize.

She wakes up wrapped in my arms with her head on my chest. I love the way she pretends to be asleep, as if trying to buy some time to figure out where she is, how she got there, and how she’s meant to react. It’s cute as hell.

“Good morning,” I whisper in her ear, letting her know she’s not fooling anyone. At first, she doesn’t move, but that’s to be expected after the way I behaved, so I just continue to hold her while she decides what she wants to do. When she eventually lifts her head and looks me in the eye, my heart stutters and I close my eyes for a second. I hurt her deeply. It’s as clear as day on her face and I can’t stand it.

“Good morning,” she whispers back to me and then tries to shift out of my arms and off the bed.

“Sweetheart, please wait. I need to apologize to you for how I acted yesterday. I …” She shakes her head, still trying to move away from me, but I don’t let go.

“There’s no need to apologize. Yesterday was a strange day, with Joe leaving and the session with the doctor.” She trails off because we both know what came after that. I shut her out, acted like a jerk. Shit, I didn’t even consider that Joe leaving would upset her. Of course it would, he’s been her only support for years. I want to be that person for her now, but if she doesn’t forgive me, I might not get the chance. “I know you needed to go work, you didn’t do anything wrong. I really don’t blame you for anything so there is no need for an apology.” Like hell there isn’t.

“Lisa, will you please sit still for a moment? I need you to listen to me.” My voice is a little firmer than I intended, and she notices and does as I ask. I take a deep breath, trying to organize my thoughts but then decide to just speak from my heart. “I love you, so damned much and the thought of losing you is making me crazy, which is why I acted like a jerk yesterday. I honestly can’t imagine how you must be feeling right now, after everything that has happened, but if you want to talk, I’m here for you. If you need anything, I’m here for you. And I’m so, so sorry for the way I treated you. I’m not going to make excuses, but please just know that I will do my absolute best to be the man you need, now and for as long as you want me.” She had been looking at me but now she drops her gaze, however not before I notice the tears shimmering in her eyes. “Please don’t cry sweetheart? Just talk to me.” Instead of saying anything, she crawls into my lap and wraps her arms around me, holding on tightly. It’s not what I expected but I’ll take it. I’ll take anything she’s willing to give me. We sit like this for a few minutes before she speaks.

“I love you too, more than I can begin to explain. I’ve never experienced anything like this but, Shane, I’m not the woman you deserve, not right now anyway. And that’s not fair to you.” I want to protest, set her straight because nothing could be further from the truth. I see her. I see her pain, and the fear and anxiety she’s trying to hide, but I also see her strength and her beautiful heart. Before I can say anything, she continues. “There is nothing I want more than to stay here with you, but I can’t. I need to find the woman you deserve, and I can’t do that here.”

Lisa

I changed my mind so many times yesterday, but this is the right decision. I love Shane with all my heart, and I know he loves me the same way. He will wait for me and I will come back to him, and we will have the life I always dreamed of but never thought I deserved or knew was possible.

“How soon?” Somehow Shane knew this was coming and I suspect it’s the reason for the way he acted yesterday. I could never hold that against him because it’s breaking my heart too. I try to swallow the lump in my throat, but it won’t budge, and I look around the room, desperately trying to buy some time before having to answer. I second guess myself for what feels like the hundredth time.

“I was thinking tomorrow, but if you think it’s better …” That’s as far as I get before he rolls me onto my back and rests his body over mine.

“I need you to hear me, okay? Nothing about this situation is going to get better with you leaving me. I understand why you are doing it and I will try my best to support whatever you decide, but don’t think for a second that it’s going to get better. Not until you are back in my arms where you belong. Then everything will be perfect, but not a moment sooner. If you are planning on leaving tomorrow, I want today with you, no distractions or interruptions. Just the two of us.” His eyes blaze with emotion and there is no way that I can deny him, so I just nod my head and hold onto him.

But then it happens, the one thing I feared most. I close my eyes and it’s no longer Shane leaning over me, but Cole. My reaction is instantaneous. I start fighting, kicking, and striking out with my arms, and even though they are not being held down, panic flows over me in waves and my lungs collapse. With the last breath I can manage I scream incoherently until the weight resting on top of me shifts and I struggle off the bed. When I manage to focus again, Shane is standing in front of me, his eyes wild and his hair on end. There is a nasty scratch running down his cheek that starts to bleed and that’s it. I fall to the floor and start weeping. Shane kneels next to me and tries to pull me into his arms, but I cannot move from all the adrenaline that flooded my body and drained away just as quickly. On some level my brain recognizes that it’s Shane in front of me. It even grasps that Cole is dead and no longer a physical threat to me but that’s where the disconnect happens. It felt so real, the weight on top of me, the hands touching me, the breath on my face. Oh God, what am I going to do?! I try to focus on Shane’s face through my tears, but his panic must rival my own because that’s all I see staring back at me.

From what seems like miles away, I hear the sound of the doorbell and his panic is instantly replaced by frustration, as if he’s trying to decide what is more important, answering the door or staying here with me. I realize he’s not going to make a decision, so I make a small waving gesture, still unable to speak, and he goes to answer the door. All I can do is stay there on the floor and try to draw air into my lungs while getting my emotions under control.

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