Page 27 of My Heart for Yours

“Ask me again tomorrow.”

Once we’re back home I’m overtaken by the same restlessness Lisa suffered from earlier. Everything in me is rebelling against this wait-and-see approach and I have to fight the urge to sit Lisa down and start the conversation we are both avoiding like our lives depend on it. Eventually, I can’t stand it any longer and pull her into my arms. I breathe in the scent of her hair and try to calm my nerves.

“Sweetheart, please tell me what you’re thinking? I need to know what’s going to happen tomorrow so that I can prepare and not throw myself at your feet and beg you to stay.” I feel her tense in my arms but don’t let go. I need this right now.

“He’s in my head, Shane. I need to get him out and take control of my life again. Like I said before, I want to be the woman you deserve. I have no idea how long that is going to take but I can promise you this: being away from you is the last thing I want and the moment I feel ready, I will come back to you.” I believe her, that was never the problem but now I have to accept it and act like the man she’s convinced I am.

For the rest of the day, we just hang out, no serious conversations or probing questions. We have our dinner on the couch again and after cleaning up, decide to watch a movie which turns into a Bad Boys marathon. Action and comedy seem like a safe choice and the rest of the evening flashes by, although to be honest, I’m not paying much attention to what’s happening on the screen. Lisa is curled up against my side with her head resting against my chest and all I want to do is concentrate on the feeling of her in my arms and savor this time we have together. At the end of the last movie neither one of us moves and for a moment I think she’s fallen asleep but then she gets up slowly, smiles back down at me and reaches for my hand. Without a word I take it and we make our way to our bedroom.

Chapter 14

Lisa

The time has come, I decided and I’m going to stick to it. It won’t be that bad, right? Lovers often spend time apart in order to become a better version of themselves and that is how I choose to look at this. I spoke to Tinsley and Jay on the phone this morning because I wanted them to hear about this from me. I’m not sure Tinsley understands my decision but she’s being supportive and jokingly assured me that she would keep an eye on Shane while I was away. I appreciated the attempt because I’m feeling a bit emotional and talking to Jay didn’t help one bit. He made it clear that I wasn’t just leaving Shane, but him too, and even though he grudgingly accepted my reasons, he didn’t pretend to understand them and wasn’t happy about it either.

Shane was quiet through all of this. Last night we spent the perfect night together with me in his arms while we watched movies and then again in his bed. We didn’t make love because having another episode like what happened yesterday morning scares the shit out of me, and it would also make leaving today so much more difficult. Instead, we held each other and whispered our hopes and dreams to each other in the darkness until I fell asleep. This morning we got up early, not that I think Shane got much sleep, and he helped me pack. Now everything is stowed neatly in my Jeep and for the first time today I worry that I might not get through saying goodbye. As if sensing this Shane takes me in his arms and holds on tightly and that tell-tale burn starts in my nose letting me know tears are imminent. I don’t care, I just hold on with all the strength in me while my chest burns with emotions too strong to put into words.

“My arms don’t want to let you go. I promised them you will come back soon, and they’ll be able to hold you again, so please do that for me, sweetheart. Promise me you’ll stay safe and come back so that my body and my heart can surround you again.”

Tears stream down my face, but I manage to choke out, “I promise. Just wait for me, okay? Don’t change, don’t be anything but the amazing man I fell in love with and I will come back to you.” We pull apart far enough for me to look into his eyes which are also filled with tears and then I kiss him, because this cannot be the way I leave things. I need to feel his lips on mine and I need him to feel everything I can’t say. It’s not a tender kiss, it’s wild, full of emotion and need, and when we finally come up for air, I get into my Jeep and drive away.

The plan is to head west, to California. I figure the change can only be good, no reminders of snow or houses that look like luxurious ski lodges with dark, smelly basements. Sun and light, that’s the goal. I’m not naïve, I know that dealing with my Cole trauma is going to take time, but there is another reason for this trip that I didn’t share with Shane. For a while now I’ve been looking for some kind of purpose or calling. I went into IT because I thought I would enjoy the challenge and it supported my loner tendencies, but now that I’ve experienced what it’s like to have friends and be part of a family, I can’t imagine continuing on the course I was on before I met Shane. I want a life that has meaning, I want to make a difference in people’s lives and use my resources to make it happen.

Shane

All I feel is empty, empty heart and empty arms to go with my empty home. I don’t go back inside after Lisa drives away. I cannot bear to be in my house where her scent lingers and her voice taunts me, not right now. I get into my truck and drive to my parents’ house; pathetic I know, but I just need to be around the people who know me best and are going to be sympathetic to the state I’m in. What I don’t expect is to find Jay, Travis, and Derick already there, apparently waiting for me to get my sorry ass in gear and come over. So much for wallowing in self-pity.

We sit at the kitchen table while Mom makes coffee and prepares a plate of baked goods because if you’re going to cry over a broken heart, you have to do it right. Mom’s the best. Travis and Derick don’t know Lisa all that well, so at first they don’t say much, but Jay keeps up a steady stream of anecdotes about the conversations they’ve had, how easy it was to tease her and get her riled up. I just listen because it hurts so much, I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through this.

“She’s really the one, huh?” That’s Derick, the brother I would least expect this question from. I always pegged him for a cynic, especially where love was concerned, and didn’t think he even believed in such a thing as “the one,” but now he’s looking at me, waiting for an answer, so I give it to him straight.

“Yeah, man, she’s the one.” He thinks about this for a moment, but then Travis chimes in.

“Well then, all you have to do is wait. Nothing more to it. She’s got the hard part if you think about it. She has this terrible event to get over and to add to that, she’s under the misconception that you are perfect and that she needs to somehow become worthy of you. I mean jeez, cut the girl some slack. You could have set her straight before now you know.” He winks at me and my jaw almost hits the table. Jay bursts out laughing and points at my stunned face.

“Oh man, that’s priceless right there.” With that they all start laughing and I manage a chuckle, because what else can I do? I experience a pang of regret for not spending more time with Lisa and my brothers altogether and resolve to do so once she’s back in Marshall Falls. It seems my brain is already separating time into two categories, before Lisa left and after she gets back with this time without her being some horrible limbo to be endured until the after part starts. At least sitting here with my family, I know I don’t have to endure it alone and that means everything to me. I think again about what Travis said, about Lisa having the hard part. I never considered it that way. She’s the one who decided to leave after all, but she is doing it for the right reasons, and I can’t fault her for that, so I vow to be less of a wuss.

For the rest of the day, we just hang out, watching sports and catching up on each other’s lives. Mom could not look happier, even though I know she’s worried about Lisa being on her own so soon after what happened, but it comforts me to know that my family care about her as much as I do. Well, almost as much. Eventually I can’t put it off any longer and say my goodbyes. Jay offers to come hang out a while longer but it’s time for me to man up. I decline but agree to see him at the bar tomorrow. If nothing else, the bar is going to do well for the next however long.

Chapter 15

Lisa

Shane’s text came through just after midnight, but I was fast asleep after a day’s driving and a fair amount of crying along the way: Is it too soon to tell you that I miss you?

I miss him so much, more than any text message could say: Never! I miss you too

Despite exhaustion I lay awake for a while, trying to get comfortable in my lumpy motel bed while not getting freaked out by the noises outside my door. Note to self, make an upgrade in accommodations a priority at the next stop. I wake up feeling rested though, so not a complete disappointment. I take a quick shower, get dressed and then head out, stopping for a coffee and breakfast sandwich before hitting the road.

Shane

It’s only been a day and I won’t lie, it sucked big time. I’ve picked up my phone countless times to call her and beg her to come back to me but then I remember why we are doing this. I remember what she went through with Cole, the way she reacted the morning after she came out of the hospital, and the way she kissed me before leaving yesterday and then I put my phone down. The last thing I want to do is make this more difficult for her. Travis and I don’t see eye to eye on many things, but this time he definitely got it right; I have the easy part in this arrangement. I get to carry on with my life with my family and friends close by and all I have to do is be patient. So that’s what I’m going to do.

Chapter 16

Lisa

California is pretty amazing. Don’t get me wrong, nothing beats the East Coast, and I will be making Colorado my home soon enough, but the West Coast … It just has a different vibe to it. I stuck to the coast, travelling from San Diego to San Francisco, visiting all the tourist destinations as well as some lesser-known attractions before making my way back to San Diego and finding a cute little holiday rental in Mission Beach. The name kind of sold it seeing as I’m on a mission too. Once settled, I found a new therapist and started going to regular sessions because who was I kidding. The chances of me sorting out my issues on my own are zero and I don’t want to waste any time muddling through. I have a life to get back to and I hear the time passing like a giant grandfather clock ticking in the back of my head. In between therapy sessions, enjoying the mild weather, and trying new things, I figure out that working in IT is definitely not going to be my future. I’ve spent a fair amount of time scouring the internet looking for inspiration and even went so far as to look at online courses, but without a clear direction, it all seems a bit fruitless. And thirty-two days have passed. Shane and I text and call each other daily, but I’m getting restless. On the plus side, therapy is going well. It is a strange thing to come to grips with how little control we have, especially over other people’s actions and when those actions have a negative impact on your life, feeling guilt is about as productive as carrying water in a leaky bucket. My therapist, Dr. Keaton spent quite a bit of time working through this with me, as well as explaining in great detail the reasons for Cole’s behavior. It’s true what they say, knowledge is power and now that I can remove myself from what happened I actually find it quite fascinating. Nothing about Cole inspires fear in me anymore and I feel as though I’m finally ready to go back to Shane and begin our life together, except for this weird nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach. It can’t be nerves, can it? It started yesterday and comes and goes, but if it carries on like this, I might have to go see a doctor. For now, I decide to go take a walk instead. Hopefully the fresh air will help.

---